Ok so for all of those men out there that accuse women of being wishy washy ... of toying with you guys, of letting you believe one thing is going to lead to another and then it doesn't and you believe all women are this way. I personally am not that fuckin' way. If I mean to do something, it happens. If I don't, I don't even let it get started. If I'm not sure, I make it 100% clear up front that I'll try but that I might not be able to follow through, thus taking the fault away from me, as he entered into it knowing that it might not happen. For those of you who think women are so horrible for doing that stuff I listed above ... well, women aren't the only ones. Guys do it too. I'm pissed right now because of it.
I was trying to overlook all this bullshit that's been going on with my husband and I. We were starting to goof off before bed, and early might I add, now it's 11, when this began it was merely 10:15. He plays around for a half an hour before abruptly stopping and snapping at me that he just wants to fucking go to sleep ... yes HE said 'fucking', not me. WHAT THE FUCK? Is my husband secretly gay or something? He led me to believe we were getting somewhere in the sack and then just stopped and snapped at me. I've offered him things that probably not many other self respecting women would open up so completely to. He turns them down, ALL of them. Am I ugly? What is the deal?
But fine, see, whatever the hell he was thinking tonight I don't know. Tomorrow is his birthday. I KNOW he's planning on getting birthday sex. Guess what, because of having to worry about his precious schedule of needing to get right home after the funeral so he could cut wood (which he didn't even do any of) we came straight home and then we had to leave to go do a bunch of SHIT for HIM. He had to hurry and do all of this so he could get home and work on his precious truck. Lo and behold, look what was forgotten today ... birth control. THAT means that he will NOT be getting birthday sex because I'll have skipped my normal time to take a dose, as I won't be able to go get it until later tomorrow due to things I have going on in the morning that I can't just push back or change or cancel. So the joke will be on him, because now that he's pulled all this shit on me, I FULLY intend on waiting until we're getting into bed and he thinks something is going to go on, then I intend on telling him that the birth control dose is fucked up so I don't want to risk it, so oh yeah, no sex.
What a bastard pulling all of this shit in the week of our anniversary? The rate this week is going, there's no way we'll be ok come Friday. 2 years we'll have been married. Together for 4 years this past march, 5 years this coming march. 22 years we've known each other. All of it feels like such a joke. A waste of time. At this point in time I wish we weren't even married. I absolutely hate him right now for making me feel this way. I told him he upset me tonight, I told him I was tired of his playing mind games, letting me think one thing and then it being another and he KNOWS that I've about given up on trying to guess his motives for anything. So he quite literally was just fucking with me because he knew I wouldn't have assumed anything else.
We're suposed to have planned to go out on Friday, dinner, movie, whatever else, customary anniversary sex. I don't feel like doing ANY of that. I feel like going out and getting drunk with friends and leaving him the fuck behind. I feel like doing that right now. I wish it wasn't so cold out now because I'd like to go drive around, but I'll freeze my ass off and aside from that I think dad just went to bed so he'll wonder why I just took off in the middle of the night. FUCK, I forgot to get milk ... because my husband decided he wanted to hang out with friends instead so I had to entertain the friends that came that weren't his. Then it was already 8 pm or later before they left, so I needed to eat dinner. Then he started his other crap. Oh well, so what if I don't get my glass in the morning. Not like I'm gonna die, just going to have a really scratchy horrible feeling sore throat.
I want so badly to wake him up and tell him to leave, but if I do that he'll have to go past my dad and then he'll just go across the street to the farm. They'll want to know what's going on. Then within miliseconds of that the rest of his family will know something's up and we'll lose all of our privacy, not that there's much left. Maybe this week is the powers that be way of telling me we need to be over and it's not worth trying because it's always going to be something fucked up every time I think things are sort of ok.
I give up. I don't even care what happens. I just really hate it because now I'm pissed, and wired, and even though I only had three and a half hours sleep last night, I'll be up til 3am at least tonight, and have to get up after about three or four hours of sleep again in the morning. Leaving me completely wiped out. He's sleeping fucking peacefully. I tell you one thing, I'm probably going to sleep on the floor tonight because I don't trust myself sleeping next to him, even on top of the blankets. If he rolls over and touches me I'm liable to begin strangling him or something worse. I just want out of this. Badly. I hate him.
Hegemone posted on Nov 18, 2008
| views: 239
Comments
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pusscat said on Nov 19, 2008....
Oh darling you are hurting so bad right now and I just want to hold you tight and squeeze until I feel you relax against it. Before I say what I am going to say, I want you to know that I, as much as the next person, values marriage. I do believe in working at it but I also know it takes two to work at it.
Privacy is something we all desire and crave to a degree. Peace is something we all desire and crave but to a degree. These things are not worth protecting at all cost though hun. If you keep this up you are going to be a wreck, then your family and friends are gonna figure something is up and start prodding you for answers anyway. If you suddenly snap at hubby in front of them, again, they are gonna start asking questions and yes, that means your dad too. Thing is heggie, is it worth your sanity right now to keep your privacy and peace in the household? Why should you be the one that keeps the peace and lets the world think everythin is ok?
Even if you love him, I don't think either of you can breath right now. You do need space away from him. You know what? Just the peace and space to think and breath that you will gain away from him will actually be worth all the busy bodies. Busy bodies won't kill you but stress, anger and depression sure can feel like they are killing you! I do believe, from what I have read in this post and the previous one that being together right now is going to escalate this problem and in no way resolve anything.
I don't know any person and trust me, in 42 years I have obviously made many friends, that can have a bit of slap and tickle at bed time and NOT think sex was going to follow! what in shits name was he thinking of? It wasn't your feelings that's for sure. Your husband has got you doubting your own desirability, your own worth. That is the time to say STOP!! Don't you go anywhere either. I don't know how the set up is there about the farm you mention, but kick his butt over there and let everyone gossip and try to interfere all they like. Just tell folk that you are far too emotional to discuss anything right now and it will be your husband that you do the first lot of talking to anyway. Thank them for their 'kindness' and leave it at that. Once that is out the way the time is yours to think and unwind darling.
Please think about what I've said as I am worried about you. You know how to PM me ok?
Please take care
pusscat
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fragglesrock said on Nov 19, 2008....
oh hege. i left a comment on your other post... i am so sorry that things are getting worse rather than better...i hope today brings fresh insight. and pm me also if you would like. -
Hegemone said on Nov 20, 2008....
Pusscat - Thank you for all of that. It's true, privacy is not worth it at all costs anyway. However, it seemed to work for the time being. I was satisfied enough with sleeping in my clothes on top of the blankets, just so long as he wasn't able to throw an arm over me or something. At that point I really think I'd have popped him a good one. Either way, by morning I didn't have much to say but I didn't quite so much feel like killing him, just not ready to talk to him. Also I was SO ready to go to my weight watchers meeting because, as you said, I was gonna get time and space. We had a tense little moment before I left, but I got the point across to him that I was unhappy because he was a little upset (not angry, or agitated upset ... like upset upset, lol) that I hadn't gotten under the covers. I made my case and left. I think that gave him enough time to do some thinking and self-inspection because he was worlds better once I got home. So I don't know, the space DEFINITELY helped, now I'm just trying to take it little by little, hoping that we can maintain this whole 'getting along' thing we have going. Also, to explain, I don't so much worry about having to explain things to my dad ... but my in laws make life hell, even if I tell them to leave me alone, thanks for the concern, they don't. They involve themselves, they make it ugly, then they proceed to telling whomever else involved and sometimes those not involved what a horrid piece of crap I am or what a bitch I'm being, then it turns into this family wide thing where some family member comes and goes 'Ok, whats your damn deal?' It then turns into months of turmoil, and stress I'd rather avoid. I can handle having it out with my husband and being stressed for that ... but that kind of widespread, never knowing where it coming from next kind of worry I try to avoid. Especially because I could CRUSH that whole family via all the secrets I've been told from one to another ... and I don't want to be given the chance to do so, as I know if I get too fed up with them I'll need some kind of weapon to lash back ... and one of those things might just be it. That said, lol, hopefully you get a little more of a feel why our privacy is such a big deal when it comes to his family.
Frag - Thank you very much, so far still so good.
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b.dreamer said on Nov 20, 2008....
If your not happy, it's ok to fly like a bird. There are millions of suitable partners in the world and we shouldn't have to settle. You shouldn't have to be so angry or fight so hard to get what you want. People will always come and go, but your the one who has live your life. Don't make regrets, go all out and follow your heart. Don't be afraid of what others think - it's YOUR LIFE! -
Hegemone said on Nov 20, 2008....
Thank you dreamer, well put. For now I'm following my heart, which tells me that I don't want him out of my life at all at this point, as I mentioned elsewhere ... I want us to be perfectly ok and I'd like to see us have children eventually .... BUT, I want us to be ok first and I want to know we're going to last, and I think everything that's going on now, the whole 4 months then counseling, etc. is our trial period. I've decided if we can't manage through this, than really, we have no business staying married and miserable (I'm not always miserable, just sure in the hell seems like it lately though) and certainly no business bringing children into that. I know I won't be happy if I don't tap out every resource before just calling it quits, so this is where I'm at now, I think this works the best for me because then at least I'll know I tried, I won't have to wonder if I tried hard enough. Thank you for the comment! -
b.dreamer said on Nov 20, 2008....
Why tap out every resource? That's like visiting 5 mechanics for one junky car. He better be a rich casanova, as most people don't put up with hassle unless it's well worth it. Don't sell yourself short or put tons of effort into one ugly duckling. Love em' and leave em' is my motto. If your young I encourage you to fence jump every other month until you find the greenest grass period. Wish you the best Hegemone and remember just because the rest of the world eventually settles doesn't mean you have to. -
Hegemone said on Nov 20, 2008....
Dreamer ... I'm tapping out every resource because I need to know. If we end this thing and I have thoughts such as 'What if counselling could have helped?', 'What if he finally got it?', 'What if I jumped the gun?'. I want to know without a doubt that none of that is possible, because if I do have those doubts they'll drown me. It's easy to say not to let them, but that doesn't mean that's what'll happen. Using your analogy for 5 mechanics for one junky car .... the first 4 mechanics might not've had the right knowledge or tools, that 5th just might and that car might not be so junky with a good washing and some new parts. Just my way of thinking. I'm not a love 'em and leave 'em type of person. I'm not much of a 'Go out and meet people' type of person either, so I know once my husband and I are done, I'm not going to bother falling into something that could turn into the same kind of mess I've been in before. You know, once bitten, twice shy. Anyhoot, appreciate your thoughts!
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