I had to go to a family reunion of my husband’s side yesterday. It was hosted by his parents at their farm. I so do not enjoy being around his immediate or extended family. It was an afternoon filled with fake laughter, passive aggressive behavior and snoopy questions.
My mother-in-law is a prime example. She was introducing someone’s girlfriend and introduced everyone in the room but me. She is so passive aggressive. She is fake nice to my face, but I feel the knife between my shoulder blades when I turn my back.
I get it. She doesn’t like me.
Never in my life have I lied to this woman, but she will ask me questions about something. Then later, I will find out she also asked my husband the very same questions to compare our answers. I guess she’s hoping to catch me doing something, but that’s not going to happen.
It’s also gotten back to me at least twice that she tells lies about me.
I could go on and on.
I think here are a few of the deep seated reasons why my mother-in-law truly doesn’t like me.
1. I’m smart.
2. I don’t generally bake from scratch.
3. I don’t gossip with her.
4. I’m not thin. Her small mind believes because of that I must be lazy.
5. My husband likes my cooking better than hers.
6. I don’t feel the need to grow acres of produce in a garden for two people.
(Again, I must be lazy.)
7. I haven’t been able to have children.
8. I’ve had sex with her son.
9. I embrace technology.
10.I can and do think for myself.
I could probably list more, but you get the idea.
My husband’s father and sisters are just the same as his mother. So, when I’m around them I figure I’m just better off to speak when I spoken to. I try to be nice and give them no fuel for their fire.
Each and every one of the people in my husband’s family has a fake laugh. Between that and their passive aggressive attitude toward me, I feel like I need a straightjacket if I’ve been around them very long.
The reunion was torture.
CreativeWoman posted on Aug 21, 2006
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Comments
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Jenna said on Aug 21, 2006....
Baking from scratch? What does that mean?:) Gotta love those family reunions.
Seriously...sorry you had a stressful weekend.
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 21, 2006....
Jenna,
It was stressful. I always feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. My in-laws are trapped back somewhere in the 40's or 50's and of course they think their ways of doing things are the only ways to do things.
My life is best peppered in small does of them. I hate living so close to them and being entertwined with them.
I used to think my husband was pick of the litter...now I don't know.
sigh...
CW
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Jenna said on Aug 21, 2006....
I am sorry honey...it is no wonder you are looking other places for companionship and affection. You do realize the fact that they act as if they don't care for you, has NOTHING to do with you. It has to do with the insecurities that lie within them. I know that does not make things any better but you can not own their problem. Love to you!
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Alyss said on Aug 21, 2006....
CW my MIL is the same and each of your 1 to 10 apply here too.
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 21, 2006....
Alyss,
I'm sorry to hear that hon. I don't understand why some families think no one is good enough for their children. My family doesn't treat my husband that way. More importantly, I wouldn't let it go on if they did. My husband has blinders on.
Jenna,
I have tried not to take it personally, but it steams me and then I feel hurt. The curious thing is that they were not this way until after the wedding. I had no reason to think we wouldn't be great friends. I guess I fell short of their expectations.
CW
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secretlife said on Aug 21, 2006....
Alot of times the in-laws get to hear about the disagreements and fights and etc. etc. from the spouse (in this case your husband). Could it be that they've heard negative things from him as he was venting and just generalized and now hold the grudges?
I'm just offering this up, because my brother often complains about his wife to us sisters, and I find myself unable to purge alot of that out when I next see her.
Also on the fake smile/laugh - I'm with Jenna on the insecurity as the cause for that. It has nothing at all to do with you.
Do you have to attend the next reunion?
Maybe your husband could go without you-
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 21, 2006....
Some of the problem is my husband's fault. Before we were married, he had an open checkbook when it came to them. After we were married, I asked him to stop that. We have our own bills to pay. Even though he said to my face that he agreed with me, I'm sure that he played to them that I didn't want to share. I'm certain that goes on all the time. Yet, he denies it.
His biggest excuse to me for their behavior to this day is, "They just aren't used to me being married yet."
I have missed a few events. I always get quizzed on why I didn't make it to see if it matches my husband's story.
CW
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silverwhisper said on Aug 21, 2006....
obnoxious relatives are IMHO one of the single greatest arguments against prohibitions. :>
my sympathies, CW.
ed
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 21, 2006....
Thanks, Ed.
CW
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Jenna said on Aug 21, 2006....
Sweet one...explain to me once again... why are you staying in that marriage????
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 21, 2006....
I plan to leave eventually. I need to get my all my ducks in a row. Financially, I need to figure out what to do first. I want to walk away owing him nothing. I know it will hurt him when I leave and a little of me hates to do that. I don't want to make him have to sell his farm to give me half. I can't do that to him. He loves it more than me.
CW
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Jenna said on Aug 21, 2006....
Can you support yourself???? Who gives a shit about selling the farm if you can support yourself. If you can't then we need to revisit that and talk....love you! This can be done sweet one.
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 22, 2006....
I don't work fulltime out of the home at the moment. I haven't in 8 years. I worked for many years as a secretary before I was married. I am working as a freelance writer right now and trying to build that as a business. When I get that going, I'm out the door. It just takes time.
CW
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 22, 2006....
Writing is the only dream I have left. It means a lot to me to pursue it.
CW
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Jenna said on Aug 22, 2006....
Then follow your dream sweetone... take your time...and know there are many people out here supporting you and praying for your success. We met just days ago, but I feel we are somehow connected.... maybe I was meant to be your guide.....Go for the dream... never give up! love to you! jenna
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JadeLondon said on Aug 22, 2006....
CW: Ironically, I have the same problem, but in reverse. It is my family--beyond my brother & parents--that drives me nuts.
His family is actually quite kind to me. So, I can empathize about how much reunions suck, but only my own family's.
Jenna: I am not sure if you were serious or not about the baking from scratch...
If you were, 'baking from scratch' means baking using nothing from the box, or pre-mixed.
And if you were being sarcastic, I am sorry for butting in, okay? :)
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thebomb said on Aug 22, 2006....
welcome to reality, what luv sometimes pissed off, its a lifetime game of marriage, pleasing ur husband's mom. well you need to because its his only mother in the world. gud luck!
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paidinblood said on Aug 22, 2006....
I have no thoughts on the matter since it is way beyond my ken as of yet. What I can only give you is that you will eventually find your way as long as you are determined, patient and diligent. Well wishes for that!
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 22, 2006....
Jenna,
Thanks for the support. I really do appreciate it.
Jade,
My family treats my husband like royalty. I get along with them most of the time.
thebomb,
I am respectful to my mother-in-law and the rest of his family. I do it for my husband, not because they deserve it.
paidinblood,
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
CW
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Mamie said on Aug 23, 2006....
hello friend, gawd, what a time you musta had! Sympathies and a hug, you are def. on the right track...the slow boat OUT! I too could have listed all of those things prior to my emancipation (haha).
This is my point: that family is not really treating him like royalty at all. They are disrespecting his most precious commitment and all but calling him stupid.
You are not obligated to subject yourself to thier BS anymore. You tried out of loyalty to your husband. And they are not entitled to an explanation. I don't even go to the IL's house anymore, too much fake everything and it just recreates new gossip, hard feelings, etc. I got tired of representing the "conflict" so I took myself out of the equation.
Well a funny thing unfolded....they STILL go there when they are together and from what I hear thru the grapevine, they are imploding on each other. For a while it was all about, "where's mamie"..she shoulda blah, blah, blah...the natives are still restless and they take their hatred out on each other. It is actually amusing.
Good luck, it is a grieving process you face, but one in which I get a good feeling that you will take the little 'bud' that you are and finally blossom into the beauty that you were always meant to be.
Go for it soul sister!!
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 23, 2006....
Mamie,
Thank you. I kind of feel like that ugly duckling waiting to turn into a swan.
CW
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Mamie said on Aug 24, 2006....
CW: or even the crysalis becoming the butterfly!! Wish me luck today, after our episode in the ER this week, the IL's are on their way over here later today...I am so sure they'll be bitching that we didn't call them and let them bring their misery to the ICU...it was my husbands "call" and he opted to fill them in after the fact...whatever!!
Anyway, you just blossom away, Miss Swan!! I am cheering for you!!
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 25, 2006....
Mamie,
Thank you. I hope all goes well for you too. Is he better? I will go to your blog and see. :-)
I'm still praying for him.
CW
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mymave2006 said on Aug 26, 2006....
Sometimes good experience can come out from unpleasant ones. God knows all our troubles and if we come and cast all our cares to Him, then surely God will lighten our load.
Goodluck! all we'll be fine, trust Him.....
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