back in the days of rat bastard i took an exotic dancing class.  specifically exotic chair dancing.  i was doing it for rat bastard, to surprise him.  he knew i was taking the class but i never let him watch me practice my stripper rolls.  i was waiting until the class was done to show him the completed errr...package.

it really was gruelling (i gained a whoooole new respect for exotic dancers).  for three months i took a once weekly class and practiced on an almost daily basis.  now, as i've mentioned before, i'm clumsy. very clumsy. i fall down easily and frequently.  so this little venture of mine had my friends trying to run an intervention on me to save me from myself.

 fraggle, heels, chairs, dancing = bad scene

as i was saying, it was gruelling.  everyone in the class had to coreograph our own individual dance and perform it for the rest of the class on final class night. i picked the HAWTEST song ;) !!!!!!!  it was hard to practice at home, i'd be down on the floor practicing my trucker pose and hip rolls and have to shoo away the dogs because they thought it was time to play.  i can't TELL you how many times i'd be practicing while rat bastard was safely shut in the bedroom playing video games.  he'd hear ***THUD***  "SON OF A BITCH!" <that was fraggle falling off the chair>.  he was instructed to not open the bedroom door, even for a fire, so he would just call out "BABE?" "YOU OK?"  and that's how it went for three months.  by the end of the three months i was getting pretty decent, my legs weren't always sore anymore, my bruises were becoming less and less, and my back could hold the backwards bend over the chair thingie without cramping.

***INTERMISSION IN CASE YOU HAVE TO PEE, POOP, OR GET POPCORN***

so it's reveal night.  the night i had been waiting for. the whole purpose to this painful class.  i was going to chair dance for my rat bastard.  i planed the night, cooked a great dinner, bought some wine for my nerves, had the perfect attire hidden away for the "show".  we sit down and our eating our romantic dinner and making moon eyes at eachother, when all of the sudden i hear a big "GLUG GLUG GLUG" sound coming from the kitchen.  wtf? "GLUG GLUG GLUG SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" our sink backed up....shot up is more like it.  shooting the entire apartment buildings garbage disposal scraps into our kitchen.

fuckingdammitmotherfuckerwhymeeee?

rat bastard can't get the sink unplugged and we have a nice odor to the whole place.  we have to call maintenance. it's a saturday night at 9 or 10 o'clock. maintenance guy comes in and can't get it unplugged either.  he has to go get the thingie to snake out the drain....great.

while maintenance man is snaking my drain rat bastard sits on the couch chortling loudly at monty python.  doesn't even phase him that the perfect night is ruined.  i'm steaming mad but let a few stray giggles escape because of the whole situation and, come on, it's monty python.  i stop giggling when i realize that the maintenance man has stopped snaking and plunging and is also laughing along with monty python....grrrr. get your work done and run along! i've got a chair to dance on!

TWO HOURS LATER. maintenance man leaves. i turn excitedly to rat bastard to tell him  it's on like donkey kong, but......my smile leaves my face when i see his head lolled over to the side and a weird sound coming out of his mouth.  IS HE SLEEPING?! OH, FUCK NO! I AM DANCING AND I AM DANCNG TONIGHT! I HAVE WORKED HARD FOR THIS, I DRANK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE, I'M LIMBERED UP ON LIQUID COUAGE AND I AM NOT GONNA LET A LITTLE THING LIKE RAW SEWAGE IN THE KITCHEN STEAL MY THUNDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i stomp off to the bedroom, change into my outfit, throw on my heels, cue the music, turn down the lights and.............kick him awake with the heel of my shoe and shout..."WAKE UP! IT'S NOW OR NEVER"  that got his attention. well, that and my outfit ;)

***IT'S INTERMISSION TIME AGAIN, SMOKE BREAK ANYONE?***

so, fast forward to present time, 2 nights ago to be specific.  i went out to a bar with friends and quite a few people that i work in the same building with, i enjoy my libations, many, many, many, libations and have a wonderful time....until....yesterday morning when i woke up.  WTF?! WHYYYY do i have a skull drawn on my cleavage???? WHY does my back hurt to bend over......................ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. it was then that i remembered, the chair, in the bar, trying to entertain our table with my sexy backwards bend over the chair thingie. nice. i'm SURE it was a bad scene. however, noone who was in attendance has mustered the courage to tell me in great detail just how badly i embarrassed my self.