sat 15 nov 08
STILL HOMELESS... STILL THE JUICY BAIT ON THE HOOK... STILL NOT HUMAN... STILL NOT AS GOOD AS OTHER AMERICANS... ON AND ON IT GOES
MAFIOSI: when I recapped my list the other day, I forgot to include wheelchairs in the recap, and sirens, and ambulances in particular, even when they are quiet, and these funny things on utility cables that look like snowshoes or tennis rackets. I've never seen them before, not until the last few weeks. I'm sure they have a purpose that's for public consumption, but they also protect me. HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MANY PIECES OF THE PROTECTION PUZZLE INVOLVE SOUND? I myself noticed it a long, long time ago, and I trust you did too. I KNOW A LOT OF FEDERAL FACES, AND I'M VERY GOOD WITH FACES. SHOW ME PICTURES, AND MANY TIMES I'LL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU: YES.
Yesterday, Friday, I went to Greenfield. I haven't gone to that place since I left there on Sept. 30, and I hoped I wouldn't see that burg again for years. On the bus, as we neared court square, I had my usual anxiety attack/autistic attack, and the tears, etc. Before I was even off the bus, I saw a number of long-termers, people who've protected me on the streets of Greenfield since March 12. I thought most of those had gone on their vacations by now and been replaced by others. And of course agent Matthew, he who is in some very sick variety of something he likes to call love, had to make an appearance. Just couldn't resist. It was very brief, but he just couldn't refrain from putting himself in front of my face, he is such an insufferable egomaniac. Later I encountered his cousin. I picked up a butter knife to open the seal on a bottle of vitamins, and she looked at me with such trepidation that I swear she thought I was going to try to kill her with a fucking butter knife. All the Nazis are so self-absorbed: they are all that matters. Truly I would LIKE to have tried to kill her, even with a butter knife, but as I've said in the past, I have killing rage, but not whatever else it takes. I do think now, though, after a lifetime of abuse in which the crowning blow has been leveled at me by my country and by the people I've lived among for 22 years, that I could kill in a group. That I could help blow up the buildings, or help burn them down, with people inside. Abuse hardens you. Abuse teaches you to shut off your conscience in the same way the abusers do, if they have one in the first place. Why do some abused wives one day wake up and kill their husbands? Prolonged abuse, with no relief, can have disastrous consequences. It has had those in me.
Last night, back in Turners, I once again had to undergo the world-renowned torture of SLEEP DEPRIVATION. Agent Dawn was sent to waken me at 11 at night with her mouth and with a flashlight shone directly into my eyes, just as if I were being tortured. She yacked my ear off for an hour, and then I was another hour after that getting back to sleep because I was so pissed off. Once again, I ask: WHY DOES THE VICTIM HAVE TO BE TORTURED BY HER SO-CALLED "PROTECTORS?" They know I can't take a nap anywhere to make up for missed sleep. They know they hurt and torment me, but they know that since March 11. I'm not human, and I'm not as good as other Americans. I'm a worthless piece of shit that makes excellent mafia bait.
GIVE ME THE TERRORISTS, REVOLUTIONARIES, FANATICS, FOR I NOW THINK I CAN KILL IN A GROUP, AND I'M NOW READY TO SEE WASHINGTON BURN.
So I was reading about Sicilian Mafias in here on Thursday. I was disappointed that not even one of my hitmen was in there, but this book is a little old. Not too bad, but a little. And I read about THE WALL OF SILENCE. One of the ancient Sicilian rules is that mafia members and mafia VICTIMS maintain this wall of silence. I have not done that, not since June 23 when I started to figure out what was going on in my life and the implications thereof. That's 4 and a half months ago. You'd think the fucking feds would have done me the favor of TELLING me about the wall of silence, but they didn't. That would have spoiled their masturbation. If I'd shut up, I might have stopped drawing in hitmen and family members of murdered mafiosi, etc. As bait, I wouldn't have been nearly as juicy.
I haven't maintained the wall of silence, and now it's too late: the lid is long off of that particular pot. And besides, to be silent about the mafia's role in the destruction of my life and these eight months of abuse means to also be silent about THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S ROLE, and that I will not do. If the CIA wants me to shut up about what my country has done to me, and how illegally and viciously it has used and hurt me, the CIA and the FBI are going to have to kill me.
I HATE YOU ALL. I HATE THE CITIZENS WHO HAVE AGREED TO BE NAZI SOLDIERS. I HATE THE FEDERAL LAW KIDS, WHO ARE PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEFECTIVE TO A MAN.
