Lately I've been thinking I have so many things to be so damn thankful for,

*A wonderful fiancé who takes care of me in the most wonderful ways.
*Loving parents who fucked up more than all too often but still love me for the idiot I am.
*Great health.
*A relationship with God.
*A beautiful home.
*Financial independence.
*One or 2 true friends.
*The opportunity to go to University.

all these things I have and still when I lie awake at night I feel as if something in my life is missing and it's eating away at my soul, it makes me irritable, I have no control over sudden anger that grabs me whenever.
I am a mere shadow of my former life loving self.
Every day I think about suicide at least once - why?
I hate everything about my life and I hate myself. (not that I ever liked the sight of my own face in the mirror)

I just pray that this is a phase and that it will go away eventually but how long am I going to have to live with this demon that is shitting on my conscience?

I feel trapped and smothered - maybe I need a break from everything?
I feel tired and worn out.
I need to get out of this cos this is not me!!!!!

I had the crappiest childhood imaginable, the worst life possible and now that things are starting to work for me it's all too much IT'S JUST ALL TOO FUCKING MUCH!

For once in my life I can count on living in a house without hiding from debt collectors, weird uncles who want to hurt me and I know where my next meal will be coming from.
I don't have to change the plates on my car in fear that it will be repossessed.
I don't have to have gas on standby in case the electricity gets cut.
I don't have to share a room or a plate of food or come home to an empty food cupboard.
I don't have to work hours on end after school and come home at 1am to do my homework and get up at 7am to do it all over again so I can contribute to my family.

This was my old life and I hated it but I loved every minute of my life now that I am fulfilled I am still not happy how will I ever be happy? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW?????