I don't know what was up today but I was in worst mood ever. To begin I woke up at 3pm, and Alex had yet to go drop off his stuff for school. I kindly got mad at him... I don't know why but I was. So with my sore breasts, I went straight back to bed for 3 more hours. Not sure how I managed that one but I'm blaming it on depression.

 Here is my current list of problems.
    - I am scared of driving in this city.
    - I have pushed myself away from friends.
    - I gave up my server pwning guild.
    - I can't seem to be hired for a job.
    - My breasts are tender.
    - My new cat is suicidal or something.
    - I have gnat's in the kitchen and they refuse to go away.
    - My ferrets aren't getting enough attention.
    - I haven't been giving Alex sex enough.
    - I've gained weight.
    - I feel like the Worst Girl Friend.



    - I am scared of driving in this city.
    Starting from the top, I moved in with Alex in February. I moved from Oklahoma, to 8 hours away in the middle of the city of Omaha, Nebraska. This is not a small city to me. I am scared to drive in it. I used to have this fear of driving when i first started it. I over came it and got my license about 3 or 4 years later. So I've only offically been driving since I was late 19, I am just recently 22.  About 3 years of Country and Suburban driving did NOT prepare me for being in the middle of a city. Oh and it doesn't  help my car has been stolen, and is falling apart as it is a piece of shit.


    - I have pushed myself away from friends.
  My best friend IRL back in Oklahoma, messages me on msn, but I don't even acknowledge it.  My friends online, I have turned my back on them for who and how they are. I don't need the online friends, they are negative and they depress me.  But there were some who weren't like that, but i shunned them as well. Why keep 1 and dismiss everyone else?


    - I gave up my server pwning guild.
  I had a guild I started from the base up with my boyfriend. The guild was reckognized as the best in the server only a month after we started. And for 4 months after that, we still were.  But the stress of running it became worthless. Leaders didn't lead, they followed. They gave me problems within and without of the guild. I couldnt handle that and didn't want to tell everyone off, but they pushed at me so I did - after I had already gave the guild leader position to the best person.  Sad to lose what i had worked so hard and gave so much to build.


    - I can't seem to be hired for a job.
    No one wants me. I held one job for Convergys for just short of two months. That was around April I believe. I did quit it on my own reasons because I did not want to sell on the phone, orginally I was told this wasn't a selling position - then they start grading your calls and they counted me off because I didnt offer a product. Screw that.  Then jobless again for awhile til August. I finally broke and decided I could try Wal~Mart again. Oh how I hate Wal~Mart after working for them as I before. Well my coming back to Wal~Mart was short lived - only a couple of weeks. I was working in Produce, pulled my back, removed an entire rack of oranges with mold on them, had to clean up after almost 10 people because all they cared about was joking around and putting fruits and veggies out when they had to. They walked all over thier manager. I swear this was the most disgusting store I have ever seen, and it was only a year and half old store.  So I left the job and have been hunting again since. No one asks for an interview, nothing. Alex is losing his job in January, so he applied to a place called Gallup. He got a call the next day. So i applied last night. No call today, but an email saying blah blah blah basically we don't want you. So that was just like wow. That would have solved my problem of driving because Alex could have driven us to work together, we could have made friends together. And all my hope were shot to hell.


    - My breasts are tender.
 Ugh I know I'm close to my period, my boobs are sore, I'm breaking out a bit. And I'm Moody as fuck. It really bothers me when my breasts are sore because Alex likes to play with them, sometimes I dont mind him playing with them either. But weather I allow him or not, he is just super duper playful and so there is no stopping him. Which in return makes me even more Rawr.


    - My new cat is suicidal or something.
 So for Christmas, I had been talking to Alex about us getting a cat. It's great companionship ect ect. Well we adopted a cat, he's one years old. We named him - Count of Monte Cristo.  I love the Count of Monte Cristo story and his name they were calling him was Monty, so it was fitting to me.  We take him home love him ect ect ect. Take him to the vet get his rabies shot ect ect. The night we get back from the vet, the cat eats one of Alex's Used condoms from earlier that night. I didn't believe the cat would actually eat the condom - so we took a condom and filled it a lil with water and put it on the ground. He played with it like it was a mouse and then started to try and eat it.... So we went through a hellish couple of days worrying about it passing through his system fine. Then he decided to wake us up one day by him sufforcating. Alex gave him a kitty hymlic manuver.  ...Stupid Cat.


    - I have gnat's in the kitchen and they refuse to go away.
 Alex and I have tried everything to get rid of these damn Gnats, but we cant eliminate thier food source since I finally figured out what it was. Ferret Poop, we believe. I keep the ferret's cage pretty clean, and we have sprayed the kitchen, taken apart the cage and cleaned it, Put out natural gnat eliminators like soy sauce, ect ect ect. For every one gnat we kill they always seem to come back. Like it was never dead at all.  I have in fact torn the kitchen apart looking for where they may have a nest like thing but nothing!!! They seem to be like cockroaches, but smaller and possibly more annoying but less eww.


    - My ferrets aren't getting enough attention.
 I truely do love all my animals, but my ferrets probally do not get the attention they deserve. They do have a huge cage and I try my best to take the up most care of them, but it is not easy to let them run and play as often as i would like since my ferrets aren't very litter box trained. I have worked with them the best I can, but they are stupid and stubborn. Like we let them play yesterday as I cleaned their cage, Loriella was sniffing a corner so i picked her up and put her in her cage. She just scrambled back out of it. As soon as she got on the kitchen floor and into a corner she sniffed and started to squat. This was less than 30 seconds after i had put her in her cage so she would potty. I can't have my ferrets pottying everywhere.


    - I haven't been giving Alex sex enough.
 He is sooooo sex deprived. I know it, He knows it. It is depressing that I am not in a sexual mood for him. I honestly get so mad about it but it doesnt change how my body feels, I just really don't want sex. No matter how good I know it feels, I just don't want the feeling. I want to please my man though but all sexual stuff is just like bleh. This is how I am certain I am throughly depressed about life...


    - I've gained weight.
   Not sure how much since Alex broke our scale, I forget how. But I am feeling it in my stomach area and its like noooo. I would exercise, but for cardio I want to ride the bike we have - but I refuse to because it bruises my butt and crotch area. It is very very unpleasant. I could walk, but I honestly don't feel comfortable where we live so I won't by myself. But forget asking Alex to join me, he  won't. I don't know, its just hard for me - And I've always been comfortable to a degree about my weight but I don't need to stress of gaining weight right now.


    - I feel like the Worst Girl Friend.
  I don't feel this needs explaining, If you add parts from above and see how my loving boyfriend has supported me and constantly loved me - it just makes me feel like shit that I cannot take care of myself and get a job and buy him presents - so I could make him feel as special as he makes me feel.



So  I am done with my rant for now. I feel like I got a lot out off my chest, but it doesn't matter if I get it out or not. It's still going to bother me until something changes. Some of them are easy changes, like saying Hey to my Best Friend, some of them aren't that easy like being comfortable with a scary place to me.  

 Well what the hell, make the best of it as I can, and just keep trying and smiling.