Dear Sir,

It's been an interesting week and I wanted to share some of it with you before we meet again tomorrow night.

I had a wonderful time on Sunday night when we went out for a drink and got to learn a bit more about each other. It felt nice just to sit and talk like any other couple, with the reality of the true dynamic left to bubble away in the background.

The following night, after we spoke on the phone about ideas for future play sessions, I did some reading about fisting, which I knew very little about, but was interested to learn more.

I also ordered some toys, including a small butt plug and a silicone toy similar to anal beads. I also cleaned out my toy drawer and I have a new silicone vibe as well as a satin eye mask and some more love rope (as two pieces seemed more useful than one :)

You had also asked me to update my alt profile to say that I had a Dom, which I was of course very happy to do. I've had a couple of messages still come in since updating it, but an auto-reply stating that I'm not looking anymore will take care of them.

I received your email the next day and, after basking momentarily in being addressed as Princess :), went into a bit of tail spin after reading your instruction that I am now to ask your permission before getting any sexual satisfaction, including sex and masturbation.

When we spoke about it more tonight, you said that you feel that I enjoy having a dilemma and I have to concede that you're right there. Primarily I enjoy the dilemmas because it's through the dilemmas that you learn more about yourself, but you exposed something a bit more basic when you made the point, because for all the healing that they offer, the dilemmas are also eventually what just make me squirm :)

Initially I went through a stage where I couldn't separate one thought from another, they all ran together, making it impossible to resolve anything. Everything from practical considerations to fear and shame surfaced from this one, fairly straightforward request and I couldn't focus on any one issue long enough to address it properly.

I had a function to read at that night, but I was all torn up the whole way there, primarily just trying to stop myself from spiralling. For the duration of the function, I just told myself that I would email you on my return to say that I couldn't accept the instruction and so I needn't worry about it any longer.

Not surprisingly (because the universe loves messing with me ;), the function went an hour later than it was meant to, and between readings I was getting very agitated, although thankfully the readings themselves went well.

The moment I was out the door the issue bounced back to the forefront of my mind, knowing full well that I wasn't ready to reject the idea yet, and I struggled with it some more.

At home I scribbled in my notebook to diffuse some of the emotions that had obviously been triggered. Anger sprawled out on the pages, followed by my fears, as the writing style distinctly went from frantic to relatively calm.

One of the key things that was worrying me was that by me having to ask permission any time I wanted to masturbate, you'd discover just how often I play with myself, which brings with it a lot of shameful feelings. I know that you're bringing out that sexual side of me more and more and it's hardly a secret between us that I'm a very sexual person, but masturbation is (usually) such a completely personal thing and it has provided me with, amongst other things, stress relief and good sleep for literally as long as I can remember.

In any case, I have accepted this new constraint and, somewhat predictably for anyone that knows just how stubborn this little bull can be, I haven't had any sexual satisfaction since I got your email, which is why you haven't had any requests :) I thought about asking you about tonight, but with tomorrow night's session so close, I'd rather save the sexual energy for you.

Your response to my rather concerned reply yesterday was very much appreciated though. The previous evening I had watched, almost like an outside observer, while my mind went into dramas and convinced me of this and that, telling me that if I refused this task then everything would be all over, etc... (yes, my mind can be that exhausting) so the reassurance you gave me was nicely anticipated and gave me my happy back.

Speaking of happy, I'm very excited about getting my own collar tomorrow :)

As you pointed out, this brings up my next dilemma, about whether or not I’m ready to take the next step of more distinctly becoming your collared sub. There’s no doubt that at this stage I would love to say yes straight away, but I do want to establish first what that means in terms of responsibilities and so forth. The last thing I want to do is accept such a generous invitation, only to discover that I’m not ready to take on what it would involve. Regardless, the fact that you have brought it up with me is very exciting and I feel very fortunate to have such a wonderful dilemma!

Talking to you about all of this tonight, as well as about my surprise (which has me thoroughly intrigued), put me in a lovely frame of mind. I had ordered a corset from eBay last week and it arrived yesterday, so I decided to try it on, only to discover just how difficult a task that can be on your own. I had my friend L in fits of laughter on the phone as I attempted to follow her instructions to get myself tied in properly. Yet another work in progress, I'm afraid ;) but likely to improve dramatically with some help from L, who’s far more experienced than myself in matters such as corsetry.

I will go and get some sleep now (if I can get my mind off that surprise!) and will see you at around 6pm tomorrow.

I'll have my skirt on and will leave my underwear at home as instructed.

Respectfully,
Dru xx