I know you're gone, but you're still there
like the wallpaper on my monitor, hidden under all the icons and notes
surfacing clearly for a moment, just after the hard drive boosts
and before the surface clutter appears.

I remember you in the mornings, when I'm waking up
when drowsily I turn for a moment and reach out
before I realize you are, after all, not there.

I remember you in the evenings, before I fall asleep
when I keep thinking there's something I forgot to do
before I remember you're not there to say "good night" to.

I remember you in the exultant moments of my life,
when I turn around looking for someone to share it with
before I remember there's no you to tell about it...

I remember you most when I am blue, for that is
when I am reminded that despite everything I do
before I let myself remember, there's no you.

There are many things that I have said
wishing you would not believe them,
wishing that you would be clever enough to see
that underneath the cruelty... that's not who I should be.

I pushed you away, hoping that you would be strong enough
to run after me and hold me until I stopped struggling
but instead you believed me
when I said I didn't need you.

I set you free, because I believed that I should not chain the one I love
because I wanted you to find your wings and learn to fly,
because I wished that despite knowing that you were free
you would still come back to me.
How would I know
you would really run away when I let you go?

Instead of holding you I opened my hands
believing that the one I love should be whole
should be a complete person, knowing himself,
able to stand beside me with his head high;
instead it seems you just wanted
the safety of a silken prison.

So I tried
to tell myself I do not deserve your lies,
much less do I deserve one
who is not man
enough to fight for what he should have
or aim beyond what he thinks he can...

But each time I am on the verge of forgetting
your memory surfaces like a pebble sudden dropped
into the waters of a pool...
and I do not know
if I should curse my mind for deceiving itself
for certainly I should not believe anymore
in portents and celestial nudges
knowing that the last time I did
you happened to me
and I have wondered ever since
if I should regret it.

Here you are, on the heels of your memory
and I do not know
if I should laugh or cry
knowing that you are there
within reach
but so far that you might as well
be gone forever...