i am in a horrible bitter mood, and right now it's kind of like "well fuck it".

it's like, alright this do-better shit was a trip, it had some pretty cool points. all i've bee striving for is to make shit work and get better, but i mean really... it's feeling way too pointless at the moment. every time i try really hard to be better and all this shit, its like something 10 times worse happens. i get to a point where i relapse on some issue a bit and fuck up everything that was once good anyway. right now, im done. im done trying. every fucking time dude. i tried to find love, and got raped. i tried to quit drugs, and became a heroin addict. i tried to confront my sexual problems and failed miserably. this time, it was like i was fighting off EVERYTHING. there was this beautiful person who actually cared about me and i just wanted so bad to forget my past and have this wonderful relationship and level myself out and i wouldnt be insane, paranoid, depressed, anxious, on crazy drugs, promiscuous, any of that shit. i wouldnt let myself get into a bad situation. it was going ok for a while, sure it wasnt perfect but it was as close as i've ever gotten. and then we broke up, still loved each other but broke up, yeah it fucked with me. i always get so overzealous when i try to change for the better, i get so hopeful and put so much into one thing. and then i lost it pretty much, and i only fucked up in a small way for me, but in a big way for him. for me, yeah it was a few days of some stupid shit i didnt really wanna do at all, but i was so fucked in the head i just didnt care. then i regretted it, and like i dumbass tried to cover it up like everyone else involved. and now its exploded, and he doesnt want any of us in his life at all.

well, i took a break from blogging to hang out with a friend just now, someone i havent seen in a long time. huh, this has been happening a lot lately lol. well anyway, it was really nice. calmed me down a lot. she's going through a bunch of drama too and we just vented to each other and shit, i missed her a lot. she seemed to understand probably the best what im going through right now.

i dont know what's going to happen with anything. usually i have a pretty good sense of what the future may hold, but i can only see a million possibilities and i just dont want to think about it. getting myself all worked up about all of this isnt going to do any good.

random thought but, theres always those phrases that seem to mean so much. like when i break down and say "fuck it, i just dont want to feel like this anymore" is when i fuck up. thats always the final words to display my mindset and i go do something stupid. when i say "getting all worked/ worrying so much up isnt going to do any good" thats like my control over my panic and impulsiveness. if i say "i am going to change now, this is the turning point" (not usually those exact words thought unlike the other phrases) thats when im trying really hard to be better and eventually leads to "fuck it, i just dont want to feel like this anymore" and just so happens to be usually after i've already said it and fucked up again.

so i see the pattern, hopefully i can just say "fuck it, go with the flow, stop worrying, theres no point in freaking out" more often and just be. just live. theres no point it letting the world crumble all around me when it's all in our heads anyway. i just have to try to keep my mind off shit and stay generally calm. just a general "fuck it, whatever." instead of an escape cry.

blah. well im done rambling, i should get some sleep before work tomorrow. maybe i'll fill in the story later...