and I certainly do not make THAT a habit...
Thirteen years ago my former sister in law was killed. She was murdered by her second husband... though her first husband, my brother, was the biggest love of her life. They were all too young and stupid back then. Me too, I suppose. Bits and parts of my whole family were killed that day too. I have been a master at covering up the wounds I bore, which eventually became an easy- going pretending that nothing ever happened.
Caught in the cross-hairs, with two children to raise stood my brother. He died that day in
November too...lost to the naive stability that youth offers. He needed to resolve some of those deep gashes of loss, regret, and pain quickly and efficiently. So he went into "himself", I think and I have not seen him since. He quickly remarried, had two more babies and it seemed to me, he left his first two kids without any parent...his parents without a son and me, without a sibling.
November too...lost to the naive stability that youth offers. He needed to resolve some of those deep gashes of loss, regret, and pain quickly and efficiently. So he went into "himself", I think and I have not seen him since. He quickly remarried, had two more babies and it seemed to me, he left his first two kids without any parent...his parents without a son and me, without a sibling.
I have complained and explained before about the unfortunate turn of events between us as siblings, yet I too was successful at compartmentalizing it all. I pursued my relationship with my nephew and nieces outside that former family circle and I let them know that I loved them dearly. We continue to this day to have an awesome, trusting, loving and growing relationship. I see my brother and his "other" family at holiday gatherings. But here is my secret....
Although I do not aggressively lash out at my brother I have over time created scenarios in my head where he finally knows that I am never going to speak with him again. I muddled through the last twelve years struggling with what my job was as my brother's keeper and on the other hand, refusing to dwell there waiting for the pity party for me to start.
So it was funny that yesterday, he was on my mind...and I was really missing the old days...the days when I actually "had a brother". So I texted him and asked for his email address and I sent him this song.
What is confusing me so much today is the emotional turmoil I feel in having exposed my deepest held tears...because he never answered.
I am left with my heart completely exposed. Laid bare. And once more....
Rejected.
Ouch.
