Dear Sir,

Before anything else, I want to say thank you for the experience we shared on Friday evening.

It's given me a lot to think about over the weekend and consequently, it has taken until tonight for me to feel that I have some meaningful reflections to share.

On Friday when I ended the session early I felt some frustration at certain things, but very little of anything else. I had arrived that evening prepared to feel anything along the emotional scale from nervousness, anxiety, even anger or sadness, certainly up to arousal, yet the only feeling I could pinpoint _at the time_ was frustration.

That said, I did feel like, for the most part, I had been in a very centred space within myself (despite that maybe sounding like a contradiction), which actually seemed to suppress the emotions that were going on underneath without me realising until much later – some of these I have attempted to express below, now that they’ve had a chance to emerge.

Looking back at the session, and the days that followed, I wonder if there were parts of me that were actually on overload with what amounted to a raft of new experiences in a very short space of time - aspects of my psyche that weren't able to surface until later.

I guess that's a roundabout way of saying that I did get a great deal out of the session and there were aspects of the play that have certainly excited me (putting it mildly) to recollect in the past few days, despite not quite knowing how to process it all at the time it was happening.


Looking more specifically at the events of the evening, my first mental hurdle to get over was not to argue anything, including the initial statement about being late. I struggle a great deal with time and keeping time and schedules and so forth and in social circles, I'm regrettably notorious for running late. I was so proud of myself for getting to your building at what I understood to be 5:30pm sharp and there was a part of me that was terribly indignant at being told that I was late. Both downstairs on the phone and when we first stepped into your apartment I fought the urge to debate the point, in part laughing at myself for feeling the need to at the same time!

The firm smack I got on the way to the lifts still lingers, the memory of which keeps making me shudder quite delightfully.

I understand the symbolism of the hair-pulling, although the only time I felt a particular response to it myself was after you had put the collar and cuffs on me and used it as a means of controlling me while you ran your hand over me and played with me, which was both very enjoyable and important to me at that stage in proceedings, as it was the first clear moment of tenderness that I felt. Beyond that, the hair-pulling struck me as just being “part of the scene”, although my preference would be to intersperse it with being guided by the collar, arm or nape of the neck if possible. 

I haven’t worn a collar before and enjoyed that more than I expected to, despite taking a few minutes to adjust to it. I like thinking back and imagining myself standing and kneeling in your living room in nothing but those restraints.

Even more so, thinking back to bending over the couch, holding that stance and being repositioned with legs further apart gives me a real buzz to think about. This is one aspect that I have fantasised about, probably more than anything else, and it excites me to have to present myself in any way that leaves me so exposed and vulnerable to punishment.

I appreciate your understanding in not proceeding with the belt – it’s really an implement that I feel I need to work up to. Even the hand spanking stung more than I expected it to, having thought it would be more of a “slow burn” effect, but it was certainly not too much to handle. It is an area of the scene where I can see my boundaries really being stretched and challenged, perhaps more aggressively than other areas, but that said I’d most likely respond best to that being done through a process of a warm-up hand spanking and a longer overall punishment time rather than going straight into something new. 

I think another consequence of being introduced to so many new experiences at once was also the fact that I didn’t feel quite myself in some ways. I was so focused on being sufficiently submissive, that I perhaps created unnecessary distance. I didn’t know whether to always keep my eyes down, fixed on the wall or whether it was acceptable to meet your gaze at certain times. When we met for coffee on Friday morning you were hesitant to use the word “softness” when describing me, but I have no issue with you doing so, as I don’t attribute the same notions of weakness, etc… to that term as many do and certainly would like to think that there is a particular softness about my character. It was in fact one of the aspects of myself that I was reluctant to allow through on Friday evening, perhaps for fear of overstepping D/s boundaries (such as when I was undressing you and then drying you after your shower).

To be completely and somewhat painfully honest, I feel that my attempt to pleasure you orally served to confirm the belief that I had expressed to you when we first spoke, that it’s simply something that I currently have little to no skill for. I don’t really understand why, it shouldn’t be as difficult as it seems to be, but as I type this, it has occurred to me that this might have been the starting point of a lot of the frustration I described initially. I’m not sure that email is the best medium to explain the full thought process here, so I’ll leave that alone, but suffice to say that it unlocked some insecurities that perhaps interfered with the rest of the activities.

That mental hurdle aside, I did enjoy being tied up, and I think that if I had been able to let myself surrender to the experience, I could have got into that aspect a lot more.

The nipple clamps got the same reaction from me as the hair-pulling, in that they are both things that I’ve specifically said “no” to in my checklist, but neither bothered me too much in the way that you used them. I don’t find my nipples to be particularly sensitive in an erotic sense, but purely from a practical perspective are prone to dryness and occasional dermatitis which is why I said that I tend to be protective of them. I don’t mind experimenting a little if that’s something that’s desired, but becoming too rough is likely to only serve as a distraction rather than a turn-on.

I found the butt plug to be an interesting example of a boundary that was carefully and deliberately pushed and I am grateful for the experience. You told me that you would be using one, so I had the anticipation of it from the night before and it certainly provided a challenge, if only (or primarily) mentally, to overcome. At this point, I don’t find it arousing to think back on (as I do several other aspects of the evening), but then I’m also aware that this might well be because it was my very first introduction to any kind of anal play and might take a bit more experimentation to work out whether or not it’s for me.


Sir, some would say that asking me for a long email is a bold request, given how quickly my normal emails turn into novellas, so I hope I haven’t misinterpreted your wishes or bored you terribly with my musings.

I’ve chosen to continue on my path of experimentation and discovery, understanding that it is not always smooth sailing, but that I can learn so much from every encounter, regardless of the outcome. I would certainly be interested in meeting with you again at some stage to explore a bit more, having had this chance to reflect on and express, as best as I can, my experience of the session.   

That said, I would of course completely understand if you didn’t wish to meet again, particularly given the choice I made on Friday to end everything so abruptly. I just hope that this email has gone some way to both explaining what sort of space I was in at the time, and also to explain some of the feelings and emotions that emerged after the fact.

Regardless of what does or doesn’t happen from here, I would be very interested to hear if you had any comments or reflections on the evening to share, or simply feedback on what I’ve discussed here.

Thank you again for Friday and I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,
Dru xx