Greetings gentle reader,

The following post is lengthy. I mean seriously lengthy so skip it for now if you're in a time crunch.

If not, you should "take a peek", so to speak, as it will probably give you some information regarding a psychiatric disorder that few people encounter up close and personal. I, on the other hand, am terrifically familiar with it.

We should start with some general information regarding Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), since that's what we'll be talking about the most.

In brief - MPD according to the books - Multiple Personality Disorder or Disassociative Identity Disorder, as it's now called, (We don't think that name accurately describes our situation so we stick with MPD) occurs in highly intelligent, highly creative children who experience extreme and often repeated trauma between birth and about the age of 7 years. The mind, in an effort to survive, insulates the birth personality and develops alternative personalities (alters) that manifest the skills necessary to deal with the traumatic situation. The trauma may not be specifically sexual, but in most cases, it has been shown to be of that nature.

Bear in mind that an event experienced by a child may not seem traumatic to that same person as an adult so it's hard to determine what may have initially triggered the separation. The number of personalities often indicates the repetition of a single trauma (such as ritual abuse) or multiple instances of separate traumas.

Identification, co-consciousness and ultimately integration of the alters into a single personality is the current course of "curing"someone with MPD. I've done some therapy with the my alters but we've decided that we like being a group and if integration occurs on its own that is fine but we're not interested in forcing the issue.

That's the disorder in a nutshell.

The whole idea of posting our Life By Committee stems from an email conversation we had with an old friend last year. The bracketed sentences are from the emails we bounced back and forth.

[MPD - multiple personality disorder ... I can't imagine what that must have been like for you.]
Is like. Present tense. Doesn't go away. It's how I'm wired. Haven't known it my whole life, just the past seven years. Aside from the sketchy memories from earlier years and losing things because "someone else" had them last and won't say where they put them, it's not so bad. Life by committee can be lots of fun. I always have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off. Now that we are all aware of each other and know who has what skills and what each other's needs are, we do very well.

A brief outline of the residents at the punch bowl: (what we call the part of our consciousness where we can all interact). There are about 13 players, at least that's the number of personalities that have made themselves known and are current contributors to the internal system that keeps us functioning.

Steph - The current dominant personality; it's possible you may have met me a few times. I'm one of the creative ones. I do the theater thing. I'm a witch. I love to read. "Dominant personality" means the one who is out front, conscious and making decisions about what to do with the information coming into the system, most of the time. Since we share lots of stuff we also sometimes share who's "driving". I'll still be processing info but one of the others might be watching the world and commenting on things or someone is feeding us while someone else carries on a conversation with my FH (Fabulous Husband). It can get complicated but usually only if we think about it too much. (Centipede problems.)

Sue - depressed, insecure 16 year old, suicidal, claustrophobic. She was the dominant personality for all of high school and a great deal of college. She's the one desperate for attention and acceptance. Actually manifests as a physical muscle twitch in the left eye lid of the host (physical body) when she wants to make her presence known. She suffers from killer migraines and severe, chronic depression.

Stephenie - Accomplished, confidant woman of business. She can manage just about any situation that comes up as long as it is in the professional world. She didn't manifest until the host was about 35.

Lisa - Dark haired, roughly 23 years old, light skinned, dark eyes, likes to dress in black, drop dead gorgeous but doesn't care. She's the system guardian. She is present whenever we need physical protection. Since we've matured and found ways to feel safe more often than not, she has shifted to protecting the "little ones" more than stepping out and making physical appearances. She can get angry. Most of us can't. She's one tough chick. She smokes, or more to the point, would love to smoke but the host has asthma so Lisa and Fey (to whom you will be introduced later) agree to curtail the smoking to the very occasional cigarette, usually clove.

La Fey Verte - or Fey, for short. Yep, it translates into The Green Fairy as in Absinthe. Can you guess how many times this 16 year old rebel, beatnik-wanna-be, has made us watch Moulin Rouge? She started out being very hostile towards the system. Very negative about how we look, what we wear, etc. Your typical angst ridden teen. But, man, what a voice. It amazes me that such a talent resides in this body. Once we figured out that Fey's creative outlet was her voice, we signed up for singing lessons and did that for about 3 years. It made a huge difference in how she interacts with the rest of the group. She lightened up a lot once her talent was recognized and shown some appreciation. The little ones love it when she sings Disney tunes, especially from the Little Mermaid.

Sarah - Sweet lady. Long, sandy brown hair. Loves kids, very maternal, very nurturing. Soft spoken. Takes care of us and is always around to comfort anyone who gets upset. When a new personality emerges, especially a young one, they usually end up rooming with Sarah until they find a space of their own. Her presence reminds me of the smell of fresh baked bread. She doesn't manifest to the rest of the world very often but when Steph got cast as M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias she was very much a part of that character.

Serena - She's a tart. Only personality capable of engaging in the act of sex without losing her mind. She is manipulative, doesn't trust men, and uses sex as a method of control. Most guys really like her. She was the dominant personality while we were working as an exotic dancer. Snappy dresser.

Beth (aka Betsy or Elizabeth) - She started out as a happy little 8 year old. The only personality (at that time) capable of experiencing joy. Food is great fun for her. One of the reasons we've gained the 50+ pounds we've put on since college. Color is fantastic for her and music too. She loves cartoons. All the other personalities were extremely protective of her when she was little. She could come out any time she wanted too. Great giggle. But, whenever something bad or even unpleasant was happening she was hustled off to her room. We didn't want her to learn that life was anything but fun and happy. She loves purple and fun socks. She's in charge of the feet. As our real world situation improved another personality showed up, D.C. (you'll meet her in a bit). Since DC could experience happiness too, Betsy (her name at the time) showed up less and less. I thought she and DC had merged but about a year ago Betsy reappeared as a mature 18 year old who wanted to be called Beth or Elizabeth. She's still very positive and helps a lot with Sue who can be extremely negative. The Teens (as we call them) hang out together and it's usually Beth who keeps things from getting volatile. She still likes purple and socks but she usually lets the little ones do the picking out when we buy new ones. She's a real sweetie too. Likes to wear our hair in braids or pig tails.

Bette - partial personality. No communication skills. Obsessive compulsive disorder. She cleans and organizes things, whether they need it or not. Normally shows up when our world is in extreme disarray. If someone is working on a project that has some extremely mundane, repetitive task to perform Bette will usually take over. When she goes on a cleaning spree she drives us all nuts and will usually get sent to her room because no one else can get anything done when she has control of the body.

Eliece - also a partial personality. Also a witch. Also one of the Teens although she may be in her very early 20's. She is developing some spoken articulations but her energy is more focused on the psychic level. She's an empath and is very susceptible to emotions coming from outside sources. She may be a bit telepathic, at least with people very close to us like FH and Mom. It's hard to tell. She may also be telekinetic but is never in the foreground often enough for anyone to test the theory.

Spokesman - non-gender personality. No emotions. The archivist. Has been here since before the beginning. Has access to all the memories but rarely shares. Spokesman was the only one who could talk about our MPD in the beginning, all factual. It watches everything and for the longest time didn't have any personal interests. Although, I'm beginning to suspect that during some of the quiet times It will indulge in its long hidden passion for research. No particular topic, just the pleasure of finding out about stuff it doesn't know. Shhhh, don't tell It I told you. It would deny all knowledge. Reminds me of an androginous "Grissom" type character from CSI. Spokesman also likes to smoke a pipe. Since the pipe smoke doesn't bother the host the way cigarettes do Spokesman gets to indulge in the pipe far more often than Lisa and Fey get to smoke cigarettes.

The Little Ones
D.C. (Demanding Cuddles) showed up a couple years ago. She may possibly be the original personality that splintered soooooo many years ago during the first trauma. She makes it known when the basic physical needs of the host are not being met. She lets us know when she's hungry or tired or cold. Very basic stuff that many of the personalities ignore because they get focused on their own objectives. She doesn't take No for an answer, hence her name. She also makes sure we get the positive physical contact that humans need to maintain themselves and their tribal connections. She's very cuddly. Her apparent age ranges between 3 and 5. She's a very knowledgeable child but still retains that simplistic view of the world most little kids have. And best of all she loves to play. Imagine a little blonde girl with pigtails, jeans with holes in the knees, a couple band-aids here and there and lots and lots of freckles. That's Deece. She also talks with a bicuspid lisp. It's easy to tell when she's around.

Sally - Scared, shy, sad, very sad, little 6 year old who hides behind her hair and rarely makes eye contact. I think she is the one who holds the memories of the traumas that triggered the splintering of the personalities. She didn't talk at all when she first manifested only whispered one word responses and cried, a lot. After hanging about with DC for a while she will actually speak whole sentences but not often. She is frightened of being in big department stores. She feels lost and needs to find FH whenever that happens. Most of the anxiety attacks we deal with are triggered by Sally being afraid of something or finding herself somewhere unfamiliar. She is extremely tactile. The hands are her department. She likes soft things and stuffed animals especially. She misses Fuzzy (our sweet, old, crotchety, fat, grey cat friend and familiar of 15 years who passed away about 5 years ago) more than anyone else. Huge blue eyes. Long, straight blonde hair that always hangs in front of her face. She's very small and thin. If she had a physical form she would probably be mistaken for a 3 or 4 year old.

--//--

That's the lot of us, at least as far as we know. In my opinion, the manner in which we conduct ourselves is a great advantage over other Multiples that I've read about. As far as we know we are all aware of each other, in psychiatric lingo, we share co-consciousness. We share memories frequently and our internal communication system is quite effective. We are considered very high functioning for our type of psycho. (It's ok for crazy people to make crazy jokes, at least that's what we keep telling ourselves.)

None of the personalities are hostile to the point of physically harming the host although Sue and Fey have wandered down that road on occasion. We work as a team hence; life by committee. At this time we all genuinely like each other. I've read about multiples that have huge memory blanks or holes. Their personalities don't communicate internally. They can get lost driving down a familiar road. We don't have any opposite gender personalities so there isn't anyone all worked up because they are in the wrong type of body. I think that is a huge advantage.

I understand that you probably can't imagine what its like. I can't imagine not being this way. I keep thinking those of you who only have the one personality must get very lonely inside. Then again, you don't have someone playing rock music in your head at 3 in the morning just because they can't sleep. It's just a matter of being wired a little differently. /shrug

Thanks for sticking with the ride this long. I hope you'll be back for more of the excitement that is our life.