You know, I sit in my mother's house and I listen to her degrade me. Listen to her call me nothing but someone's toilet, where they get off and just move on. I sit here and think, "because what I did is worse than sleeping with someone else's husband? Because my sins are worse than yours?"
I sit here and I watch her while she says I'm no better than a prostitute, that my year off of school was so I can take care of a child who no longer exists. Because, you know, I planned it like that. I decided back in September of 2007 that I would get pregnant the following year, so I needed to make sure I didn't have school interfering with that.
She talks about how I better not expect her to help me with anything. And I sit here and wonder when was the last time I depended on her for something?
She's been here, because I live in her house. And I assume that she doesn't want to look bad in front of her family and friends. So she does things that a mother should do...I expect.
But when have I ever said, "I hope my mother will go with me. I hope she will do this for me."
Not since before I told her I was molested by my cousins and she showed me she didn't give a shit.
So now she says, "All I could give you was school. Everything else is up to you."
She's hasn't been instrumental in my schooling since my year in 8th grade. She hasn't paid a cent, not for high school, not for college, and she won't for grad school.
I buy my own clothes, my own food, I have a job, and I pay the utilities. But to her I am now a non-person. I no longer fit her description of what her child should be, therefore I'm not even worth consideration.
And do you know what I say to that? Fuck you too Mother. I don't need your approval anymore. You are not the reason I get up in the morning anymore, the reason I breathe. You removed yourself from that pedestal the day you basically told me you couldn't give a shit.
And I am a better person for it.
There is NO ONE in life who I can trust besides myself. That's the one thing she's taught me.
tbs230 posted on Nov 02, 2008
| views: 253
Comments
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queenparanoia said on Nov 02, 2008....
move out tbs...find a place of your own... what youre mother is dong is hurtful and so negative. it's not good for you. but i know she's still youre mother. i just hope she'll realize that in the end...{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}i hope you feel better now... -
diabolicdame said on Nov 02, 2008....
Oh.. I don't know what to say.. you are so strong for being able to see this objectively and not let it affect your self esteem.. it sucks though.. but I think you're handling it just right.. (((((((hug))))))) -
Me-Myself&I said on Nov 02, 2008....
my mother has disappointed me from birth! ditto on her end too. she still (i'm 52) tells me about how terrible my birth was!? wow, she is a sick woman. all i do now is respect her as my mother. that's all. her words and actions once cut like a knife but no more. i wish you all the happiness and freedom from your mother.be true to yourself!!!! stay strong, take care ~see ya -
Lucytorial said on Nov 02, 2008....
TBS ~ I can hear all of whats going on and you know what you're still going through the emotions of what happened, takes a good three months (from experience). You are a young women now, standing on her own two feet and I must agree with Queenie, is there a way you can move out? -
lionesss said on Nov 02, 2008....
tbs230..this post caught my eye as i do relate to it very much so, my mother mentally and physically abised me as a child, and even now mentally messes up my head, im a mother and granma, and she stil plays mind games im the olda sister and i have to play 2nd fiddle to them all the time, listen how great they are and wot a thick bitch i am''ooppss'',all i can advise you to do is just leave home and show her what your capable of,i dnt actually talk to my mother anymore cos she has screwed up my life enuf and i dnt want her to carry on making me feel small and worthless, like she use to and she knew wot she was saying and doing, but as i see it , its her loss,and she will lose out on my life so iv no regrets of walking away,just take good care {{{{hugs}}}:)x -
RollingC said on Nov 02, 2008....
I'm so sorry to hear that Tbs.... I would move out if I could and live on my own. Please accept a ((( HUG ))) from me to you.
I'll keep you in my prayers....(and your mom too)
Rc
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SlickNick said on Nov 02, 2008....
Hi there! That is just terrible that your Mom is treating you in such a negative way. You don't deserve that. I have had issues with my parents in the past as well. That is why I moved out when I was 17 yrs old. I have no regrets about that because even though it was hard for me I learned a lot. And when I came back things were much different between me and my parents. They actually missed me. I hope something like that happens between you and your Mom. A child is a gift and should be loved and appreciated. I think she is being way too hard on you. We all have things that happen to us in life that others might look down on, but as long as you keep your pride and a positive attitude you will persevere. I wish you the best with trying to repair the relationship with your Mom. -
secretlife said on Nov 02, 2008....
i don't know why it is that we say such mean and horrible things to the people we love the best in this world.i think it's because we hurt so much....we get so disappointed in those we love that we somehow have to get this pain out of our systems or go insane....the things she says......she really wants to tell you that she is disappointed in your choices. she really wants to say, "tbs, don't make the same mistakes I've made.....be better than i was".that's what all parents want for their children.we want them to do better than we did. to save them the pain we experienced. and it's so hard to realize we can't- and that sometimes, the mistakes we've made with them are the cause for their own mistakes.it is very very hard to be an adult still living with your parents.she wants to hurt you simply because you've hurt her-i know it doesn't help you to know this.but keep in mind tbs, that she is your mom, and she loves you despite her terrible words. -
truthsayer said on Nov 02, 2008....
Well I appreciate much, or all, of what people have shared here. Most of all, I appreciate the feelings you shared here TBS. It isn't easy to realize that our parents are weak, or that they hurt us. I agree with secretlife in so far as parents can actually abuse their children verbally, because that is how they feel inside. Like they themselves are failures and that they have caused many of their children's problems. But...and this is a big BUT...they are still accountable for the pain they cause their children...no matter how old they are.I am older and wiser now, and I know that most people that hurt us, intended to hurt us. Just like people that try to manipulate us are choosing to manipulate us. Thank God we can choose not to be hurt by others, we can get away from them, we can see them as they are, and still not play their game their way. We can also choose not to be manipulated anymore. Isn't that awesome?!Now, here's another "but"....a really big BUT: We still have to forgive them. Get it out of your system, see things and people as they are...but choose not to hate hon. Hatred and "proving" things to people that have hurt us in the past, or in the present...can only harden our own hearts. That isn't what any of us want. When our hearts become hardened, we don't even recognize our own faults, failures, weaknesses and sin. We think we are "justified" in doing whatever we feel we "have to do".I want a better life for you TBS. A much better life. Plan your move, get out on your own, and do it when it is right. I would think that you are already working towards that, whether she realizes it or not. But don't get bitter or threaten. Just keep moving onward and upward. Be pleasant and don't expect her to change. Pray that she changes...but don't plan your life around her changes...plan your life around your own changes...good changes. : )I know you didn't plan the pregnancy. My husband and I didn't plan to lose our home either. But things happen in life. Just do what you need to do now, and make the changes you need to make now. Ok? You are a beautiful, strong and very smart young lady. Keep seeking God's face, and not just His hands. You'll find more than you ever dreamed of in this life and in the next.God speed little one.Love, love, love,Truthsayer -
KathQuiet said on Nov 02, 2008....
When you feel great conflict with your parent, it is time to leave. As the mother bird pushes the fledgling from the nest, your mother's harsh words are much the same. You've a lot to be grateful for - a place to live cheaply while educating yourself and a mother who gifted you with the wonderful and now rare skill of self sufficiency.I would also admonish you not to hold your mother's stressed-out words against her, Lord knows she is already doing so. Her "not caring" about your molestation was most likely fear at making waves, fear to expose you to what making such an accusation does. It was wrong, but you can't change the past, dear, and you've got to forgive, for your own sake, and because she will never forgive herself even if she won't admit it. Your mother loves you. You love your mother. Now leave.And remember to visit. -
sadsack said on Nov 03, 2008....
tbs, I feel so bad for you. I know how you feel for though I had a mother who cared for me, I had a sister who was 6 years older than me and who took every chance she got to make me feel useless and ugly.
As a child I lived in fear of her, but when I grew up I realized that what made her behave like that were her own insecurities. So though it was difficult, I tried reaching out to her. Slowly she did respond and I'm glad that happened, because she died unexpectedly some years later.
What I'm trying to say is, maybe your Mum has issues...its terrible to treat your own child badly..but since you seem to be supporting yourself, try to move out. After a few years and from a distance, you may be able to understand her better.
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woman said on Nov 03, 2008....
Mothers, That's a tough subject. I am almost 60 and my mother still makes me, or attempts to make me, sad more often than not. Secret is right. Your mother probably loves you, in her own way. Being a mother is difficult. But I am with the others who say, move out. Your relationship may improve if you are independent. Our spirits need to soar and when we are surrounded with disapproval it is difficult to fly. You will be ok, just take care of yourself. Treat your mother with respect but please detach from her. Hugs... -
tbs230 said on Nov 05, 2008....
While what I really want to do is thank each one of you individually, and respond accordingly, I'm feeling a little run down (completely different post).
So:
Thank you everyone for the kind words, the great advice, and for just reading this. You are the only people who know what I'm going through, as it is embarrassing to my mother for anyone in my church or family to know what is going on. (A few friends know, but you get used to not speaking about it, then its hard to speak at all...SoulCast is truly the only outlet I have. She can't get to it...)
I've been looking, found a couple of places, but I don't know...
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KathQuiet said on Nov 08, 2008....
Making the move to your first place of your own is so scary. If you keep it simple, though, it's easy. Tips from someone who nearly starved her first year after divorcing: Think small - easier to furnish and keep up. Cheaper to rent, heat and light. Really think if you'll use that workout room, pool and spa that jack up the rent. Stay near public transportation - if your car fritzes out, you'll appreciate being close to the bus or train line so you can get to work and back while you save up for repairs. Buy used - except for the mattress, unless you can find a show-home clearout; the best sources for used upholstered furniture are estate sales because thrift stores tend to be drop-offs for any grungy old stuff while you can find almost pristine items at some estate sales - best deals are last half of last day. Hard furnishings, like table and chairs, are good to get at thrift stores - you can always paint them! I still cherish some fire-singed old ash-wood Shaker chairs I renovated. The mark-down tables at major department stores are prime sources for bedding, curtains and towels, if you're flexible as to colors and patterns. After the January white sales, the pickings are great and prices are, too, because they're making room for the new-year stock. Cleaning and laundry supplies - dollar store. Groceries: cereals are cheapest at the end of the month; meat and produce tend to cycle bi-weekly. Freezer bags are your best friend. -
KathQuiet said on Nov 08, 2008....
See? You've got a world of surrogate "moms!"
Comment on "Knocked off her pedestal"
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