I'm conflicted. Completely. K and I have been talking regularly now, with no end in sight, and I am confused.
Our D/s phone play is not something I even thought I could tolerate, much less find amazingly arousing. After we talked a couple of nights ago, I had to text him, and let him know that it gets better and better for me each time. I don't understand it.
I am not what I would ever consider to be a "submissive" person. I have run a 50-person division for my company. I have built a department from the floor up, working with the president and VP. I am not stupid, not uneducated, and I have always cringed inwardly at the sound of the words "bitch" and "whore" when spoken to women. I am strong and opinionated at times.
But when K speaks these words into the phone after carefully instructing me on how and wwhere to touch myself, I feel chills that shoot right through my body to make my orgasm stronger and stronger.
K called me the other night after I completed the task he had given me. I had worn the smartballs inside my pussy all day. I had felt them moving inside me as I ran errands, drove, bought school uniforms, delivered cookies to school, smiling at the teacher, principal, clerks in stores. I had this secret inside me that only he and I knew about. Even when I wasn't consciously thinking about him (which I was most of the day) he was always there, whenever I felt the vibration inside me.
When we talked, he asked me a couple of questions about how I wore them and what I did while I wore them. He then told me that he was handing me some power, and allowing me to choose the way that would allow me to come the fastest. I started rubbing as he whispered in my ear, he told me that I he was pleased that I had followed his instructions, and he hadn't had to "fucking babysit" me. He said "That's one of the things I like so much about you, is how smart you are, how you don't need to be walked through things." I was almost offended. I mean, how hard is it to buy a toy and use it? But K's praise stroked my ego like crazy, and I sighed, feeling caressed every time he said "Good Girl".
As I got closer to cumming, he commanded "Cum, Bitch." I literally started trembling, I was so turned on. He went on to call me a "Dirty Cum Slut", which I asked him to repeat a few times as I came and my climax rushed over me, warmer and warmer, and then so hot it was cold.
As I came, I asked "Do you want me to be your Whore?" During my orgasm aftershocks, he asked, "What was that you said? Ask me again. Keep rubbing your clit."
I asked again, "Do you want me to be your Whore?" and K said, "Are you kidding me? Look at what you're doing. Look at what you did for me today. Look at what you're doing right now. Are you fucking kidding me?" he paused. "To answer your question," he laughed, "yes, I want you to be my Whore. Yes."
As my next orgasm subsided, I gasped into the phone, "Do you want me to stop? Or keep going and cum again?"
"Yes," he said. "I think we're going to stop tonight. But I want to tell you how pleased I am that you shared this with me, and that you're being so honest. And for trusting me"
He told me that he had enjoyed thinking about me all day, about making eye contact, knowing that the smartballs were inside me. And that it was our secret. I was almost amazed that he had been thinking about me too. That sounds ridiculous, I mean, he assigned the task, and knew that I was carrying it out. But I felt excited and surprised to find that he had thought of me too.
I floated in this blissful state for a little while as we talked for a few more minutes, and then murmured goodnights and hung up. Then I floated some more...
When I woke up the next morning, I almost felt lost. I had no new task, no feeling of purpose with something to accomplish for him, to please him with. I feel like there must be something he wants me to do for him...but he hasn't asked me to do anything...and I don't want to ask him to assign anything. I miss him. I want to talk to him for hours. We used to spend all night on the phone, talking until 2 or 3 in the morning, both complaining about having to reluctantly hang up so that we could make it to work in a few hours. Now that we only talk once a week or so, I get the urge to call him or text him about 20 times each day, but I don't know if it's my place, or if I need to let him initiate. I want him to know that I respect his position in our relationship and will defer to him. But I miss him. I hate the idea of sounding needy or desperate, so 80% of the text messages that I start typing to him, I delete without sending.
What am I DOING??????? What kind of girl does this shit? Seriously!
P.S. He finally had me address him as "Sir" in a text. Major thrills. This, of course, only added to my conflicted feelings. My internal voice went something like: "What? Are you fucking kidding me? He wants me to call him Sir? I would never call anyone...hmmm...(long pause)...(chills up and down spine)...(another long pause)...OK, I think I could possibly be in love with him. I can't believe he's letting me call him Sir!!!!"
