Showtime wasn't doing MMA the right way, but it looks like they are doing a much better job on boxing. The last fight they showed was what they called a cruiserweight unification bout between two guys who both hold alphabet belts. One, named Haye, held the WBC and WBO or something like that, and the other, Enzo with a long last name, held the WBA or something. Believe it or not, that doesn't cover all the alphabet belts. Somebody else out there holds the IBF belt and don't be surprised if there's an IBO and an IBC. It's a disgrace to the sport and it's the reason why the sport is officially a walking corpse and a joke.

Enzo's name was something like Camarinzellocellobelly. That's all of it that I can remember offhand but I think there are a few more syllables.

Both fighters have vicious speech defects. Their excuse, which I don't buy for a minute, is that they both come from jolly ole England. Whatever, they talk funny.

Enzo Alphabetman is a white guy from Wales or Scotland, somewhere, like where Macbeth comes from, where the Brits retreated to when the Angles from Germany invaded and took over. You know, the guys with the blue tattoos all over their faces, wearing skirts and playing weirdass "music" on the bagpipes.

It's like playing a radiator.

Between Enzo and Haye, they have a record of 60-2 with 50 knockouts. So they are both big punchers with fantastic records. They have one loss each.

Enzo looks strong enough, but Haye is cut, sculpted. You can see that Haye religiously takes his designer steroids 3 times a day, you know the ones - the ones that test negative, the ones that all the football players and MMA guys take. The ones that make offensive linemen weigh 335 pounds and they can outrun a racehorse.

Remember how muscular Ken Norton was? Or Evander Holyfield? Haye has the same musculature but has no fat at all. He's a skeleton with huge muscles. He's a freak of nature. He's a slightly smaller version of what Arnold S. used to look like, particularly above the belt.

Tell me this guy doesn't take designer steroids. You can just look at him and fine him for looking like that. You don't need a pee test. Give him the eye test. Take one look, you'll know.

One of the MMA guys recently said that 80% of the MMA professionals are currently on steroids. I believe it. Put it this way. It is talked about, that there are steroids that test negative. I believe it. You have to be pretty damn stupid not to. Why wouldn't you believe it? You hear it often enough. It's like the old arms race, you put more and more money into it, develop better and better technology. The side that is trying to catch the steroid users, and the side that is trying to make better and more undetectable steroids. And which side do you think has more money and more incentive? I bet they charge a lot for those steroids. I bet the regulatory guys are just bums like me who don't eat caviar and don't travel the world and watch their checkbook with a sad look on their face. Guess who wins the arms race.

So you got Mr. Haye, all roided up, and you got Enzo Babbalabbbamabbajabbacrabbabanana who ain't so bad himself.

The first round comes and goes, one of those "feeling out" rounds, the kind where you are glad you aren't a judge because it is boring as hell and each guy seemed to hit the other guy a total of once.

Then a little into round 2 Mr. Haye clobbers Enzo because Enzo keeps his left too low (like, why don't you know that, Enzo? Your left hand is supposed to protect your chin, not your chest.)

So Enzo throws this left jab and then pulls his left hand back to his chest, not in front of his chin, and Haye just clobbers him right in the face. You know he got him by Enzo's reaction, wobbling. Bonggggggg!

How hard is it to keep your left hand up near your chin? I can do it. I swear I can. It doesn't tire me out to keep my hand there. Try it yourself. It ain't that hard. Imagine how easy it would be if you were a good little boy or girl who took steroids religiously. Not hard at all. Why doesn't Enzo do it? I donno. My uncle did it, and he was a pretty good boxer. Uncle Bernie. He fought Sugar Ray Robinson once in the amateurs.

Everybody is Muhammad Ali these days. Everybody holds their hands low. I saw baby Klitschko a month ago, and he held his hands down by his crotch. Everybody is Ali.

But they're not fast enough to be Ali.

So Enzo got clipped. Then Haye went in for the kill, got Enzo in the corner, threw 800 punches, and 2 or 3 of them landed, and when they landed, boy they landed, and Enzo crumpled.

In MMA the fight would have been stopped right there. But in boxing they sadistically let the dead guy get back on his feet and make him try again. Why, I don't know. They count to 8 and then they say okay, you're fine, go out there and get yourself killed now that you don't know if today is Wednesday or July and you're not all that sure if Wednesday and July mean the same thing.

So Enzo Macaronibaloneykamikaze takes a few wobbly pathetic toddler steps in Haye's direction and the ref steps in front of him and waves his hand, fight is over. Enzo Garibaldifinocchiocapuccini looks upset, like hey what the hell, I'm going to kick his ass.

Then they interview Enzo, of all people. He's with his trainer who is another Enzo. They interview the two Enzos. The trainer is a short little Enzo who knows it all. He knows why big Enzo lost. He has already told him why. Big Enzo is apologetic. Little Enzo explained it all to him. He said Big Enzo, you did a stupid. You stood with your head too high. You didn't follow the fight plan I had given to you, Big Enzo. You are a big stupid. A stupid Enzo.

And Big Enzo told the interviewer, I am a stupid Enzo, I did not follow the fight plan that Little Enzo gave me, I held my head too high, I got caught for my mistake, I am stupid.

Then they interviewed Haye. He said that he is going to be a heavyweight now, not a cruiserweight anymore. He said that Klitschko is a disgrace to boxing and so is the guy Klitschko just beat the other week. He said that he is going to be the heavyweight champion soon. He said his balls are shriveled up like little raisins that used to be prunes, from all the steroids he takes.