I dont regret my life.  I regret decisions.  But I wish I could tweak some things.  School is one thing I would have changed.  Big mess up there.  If I was given the chance to go back in time and change anything I dont think I would. The reason why is I would be afraid of doing something to change my current life.  So that makes me happy to be where i am right?  I am unhappy with my mental way of how i look and think of things.  Nothing really gets me excited or anything anymore.  I find myself annoyed really easy.  I dont think  things are going on behind my back or anything but maybe people dont talk to me about things cause they are afraid of my reaction.  My trust in people is very limited.  I try my best not to judge but for the times I have, I have been right so it is hard not to.
I find it true that there are some people who wear their personality on the outside. 
I just find myself not finding people interesting.  Or maybe the wrong people are interesting to me.  I think of myself as someone who sits on both sides of the fence.  I am able to see 2 sides to every story.  I think I have missed out on several oppertunities in life.  Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes it dont.   I wish I was more goal oriented.  I feel the past 10 years have gone by too quick.  I dont want the next 10 to go by so fast.  If this is my one chance at life then I feel for some of those years I have wasted them.  That bothers me.  I have been told that during the past several years I have seemed distant.  I dont love much but for those things I do love, I love them very deeply.   I am a strong believer that blood is not thicker than water.  Some people have a hard time believing that.  There will come a day when some people around me will come to find out I was telling the truth about that and I know they would be surprised.  I think in my head that I wish people would have faith in me. But there have been times I have let them down.  There is no way to go back and fix that and that bothers me.   There have been times I have tried to fix my past and it has backfired.  I guess that is why they call it the past.  I try to believe that I would make a good friend, but I have failed at that.  Friends are over rated sometimes.  Having friends means building trust and I have been burned on that several times.  Besides, having friends that relate to me or me relating to them just does not happen.  I dont seek friends.  I dont have the social life or the routine in my life to have the oppertunity to come across   that kind of situation that often.  I would rather focus on the things closest to me right now.  I am smart enough to know this might not be that healthy, and I know some of this has to change. But that dont happen over night.  But I am in the mind set to know things have to change.  I am making steps to improve things for the ones I love and we will see what happens in the up coming months.  I know I have to get back to the things that make me happy.  Getting there is the journey.  And that is where blood is not thicker then water.  I will not be disabled by those around me that want to bring me down.  it is hard to turn your back at times.
It says to honor your mother and father.  Well i honor but i wont be brought down.  I will respect but I wont be brain washed.  I just cannot be sucked back in.  I have gotten away from the person I used to be.  Everything I have explained above is how I am now.  And I can admit to every wrongdoing and shortcomings i might have.  But there is nothing on this earth that can make me stay this way.
This blog is step one of many.  I can go back and re-read this if I get off track.  And remind myself...........I got a person in my life with a mental disease who thinks her title with me requires that I suffer along with her.  I have to turn my back and take care the ones I love, my daughter and my wife.  And I have to do this before I lose everything. I have already lost who I am , I wont lose them.