i feel like i'm being pushed to my limit, and since others agree, i dont think i'm just being a douche. but how do you tell someone they're being a stuck up bitch without being a bitch yourself? well, i've already tried in the most civil way i could manage and she still doesnt get it. maybe if i just disappear for a while it'll get through to her, but probably not. i always have to think though, if it seems like a lot of people are being dicks the problem must be yourself, but it really seems like i'm just getting the short end here with a couple assholes. oh well. i guess it's just time to avoid and make new friends, it's coming along ok. i just remind myself that there's other people who seem to appreciate my company and that other people agree with my feelings on such situations. i've always taken blame for conflict upon myself...

well something is really bothering me, i'm like shaking right now. i'm talking it out, but i'm still having a bit of a silent panic attack. i just hope it doesnt get worse.

meh. maybe i am just a dick. but fuck it dude, im not gonna sit around and feel like shit all the time because somebody has these stupid double standards. then again, i always want to understand what the other person is going through because there's a reason they're acting the way they are. ugh.

i'm starting to get little crushes on a couple people. i guess in a sense that's good, since i want to move past the current helpless feelings of being utterly in love with someone who can barely see me, but also i dont want to move past my mostly-ex since i know we love each other and i dont want to jeopardize any chance of us getting back together since i know we will if i just patiently await him to get his shit together... and also i dont want to be emotionally attached to ANYONE right now.

i hate being such an emotional person, it's both extremely beautiful and extremely agonizing. i love understanding people and getting into their heads and finding all of their beauty and ugliness and gaining an appreciation for everything they've ever witnessed. but i fucking hate getting hung up on people who dont have time or care for me. right now, i'm hung up on someone i truly appreciate everything about them, in a matter of a few months i had come to understand and appreciate so much about one person... even when we broke up i understood what was happening and loved him for being honest with me and even for the reason we broke up. the only person i've ever been with that's actually treated me well.

and i'm still in love with him, and he still loves me. he doesnt like saying it since we're broken up but he shows me in little ways... i dont want to sound like one of those ditzy bitches that are like "he says he doesnt, but i know deep down he truly loves me and i can change him blah blah blah" but i really think i'm right in saying this, especially since he doesnt say he doesnt love me and once in a while will tell me he loves me. i mean, i bought him the lamest little bracelet from a quarter machine and he wore it for three days straight until he had to work. he nearly cried when i told him i thought about working as a stripper, and said some really caring things to me. plus its not like we haven't touched on the subject of getting back together eventually, it's been more of a hint thing, and i know if it happens it wont be for a long time, but i really think this is the person who's worth waiting around for.

i know it would kill him if i started dating someone else... my tarot cards said something about love in the near future, even a new love in an existing relationship. now i dont know if that jumped out at me because i think about him all the time or because that's what it's about, but i really care about him and hurting him again would kill me.

i know he must have put up with a quite a bit considering who he is and shit i pulled when we broke up. i acted out because i hurt and of course he got upset but he's still there for me and everything.

i just need to calm down, i get so worked up about everything. tiny events that are probably near to meaningless seem like huge possibilities in every direction. at least now i can try to even out some of my barely-touched-on and self-ignored flaws, like not jumping at people when it seems like maybe something could happen. i used to be thinking "well is it going to or not?" and get so worked up trying to figure it out that i'd do something ridiculous to find out, and now i'm thinking, "who gives a fuck? i like where i'm at right now" so i know i'm finally maturing in that sense.

so now i'm finally re-analyzing what larger flaws still need to be worked on. emotional jumping, not letting stupid shit get to me so much, being able to see that big picture as well as the street-view... those seem to be starting to come together...patience is a big one. idk what else. i'm getting tired.

well look at that, i stopped shaking so much. yeah, i need to have a littler more faith in myself. i'm not as dumb as i used to be, i've learned a lot from everything since.