This afternoon, we had our monthly office meeting. One of the agenda in this meeting was the awarding of performance bonuses. I knew that I was a runner up but wouldn’t win because the last time that I checked, the scores were just .10s away from each other and that I was almost ranking 3rd. To my surprise, it was announced that I won the performance award, together with prize money. However, I felt undeserving because the junior programmer who was just .10s away from my score was more consistent than I am. This was not the first time that I won such an award since that incentive program started. I’ve won 2 out 3 already. But this time, I felt undeserving. Honestly, I’ve been delinquent this cutoff, which I will try to work out next week.
Earlier today, hours before the meeting, I was talking to another programmer and I found myself saying foolish things (you would know that it was foolish if you knew what I was talking about), and found myself saying non-sense, and I just felt dumb.
I left our office earlier than usual because I had another meeting with two of my officemates who I happened to work with in a sideline (extra-office activities). When I was about to go out, DotA boy teased and shouted that I had a date. How I wish that I have a date this Friday night, but the truth is I was sneaking out because I had to work extra. What a sad testament of my Friday night. Everybody assumed that this is correct because I was not in my usual everyday clothes, which by the way I just felt like dressing up earlier. I let them assume that I was indeed going out on a date instead of the truth that I was out working for another group. Sometimes, truth can cause so much trouble and lies sometimes do wonders to my reputation and ego at that.
During the meeting, I again said some things that I wish I could take back. I felt dumb because I was with two of the most brilliant people in the office and I cannot cope up that easy with what we were talking about. I felt 17 again where I was a freshman in college and was given a flowchart that I cannot understand yet everybody around me knows what the content is. Since it was getting late, I told my group mate in the sideline that I honestly cannot process what we are talking about. She then smiled and said she understands that I probably have somewhere to go to, and that I should enjoy this night. Truth is I just want to go home, think straight and play catch up. Funny, I let her do the database design, which was by the way assigned to me. I felt bad because whenever work is given to me, I give it my all, even if I have to overcompensate just to get it. And what is worse, this is not school anymore, it’s for a project that we are going to be paid. So now I feel the feeling of those freeloaders who just load off those people who are grade conscious. I felt like I was the jock who is using the smart and nerdy person to do my work and get credit for it. I feel like a fake.
The truth is, I don’t have a date this Friday night, and usually do not date during weekdays. I rush off at home during weekdays so that I can work from home. Of course, I have suitors, and I date, but on weekends, my own terms, my own rules. I try to separate the days that I give to my work and to my personal life.
However, I just felt like this today. Is it because I’m distracted of Comeback Guy that I keep acting all foolish, if it is, then this is bad. Hopefully I can pull my weight in the coming days and live up to my position as an intermediate programmer.
Feeling a bit undeserving,
J
