It runs in my family, it' sin my genes.
My mom used to be one - left early by her own hands with the help of her own adiction.
My middle brother used to be one - left early by his own hand, probably under the influence of his subject of adiction.
I spoke to an aunt who told me that adiction and suicide is running in our family on my mother's side. Not something I really wanted to inherit, really.
Last summer I visited my olny brother I still have. He is an adict too, he just doesn't want to admit. He still feels he is in controll. And he is. Most of the time.
I wonder when an adict starts becoming one.
During my pregnancy at 22 I got adicted to nasal spray and I couldn't get off it for over 2 years.
I smoke on and off, but I was never a chain smoker - I don't think that counts.
I don't do drugs, they scare me.
I've had a time in my life, after the divorce, when I used to go out 2-3 times a week. I used to drink har liqour each time I was out. I've had a couple wild nights out, but I've never touched alcohol at home during my days.
It's been years since I stopped going out in general. I really miss it, but not the alcohol, just the fun and excitement. Last year my boyfriend and I started having wine for the Friday night dinners and we finished the bottle during Saturday. I like having a drink while cooking or some times during a monoton activity like watching TV or sitting in front of the PC. But never had drinking on my daily schedule.
A couple of cays ago the guy I am dating now have surprised me with a bottle of whiskey - the kind I used to drink when going out. I drink it because I like the taste when mixed with ice and cola, and also because it is a really good quality and never gets you "ugly drunk". The next day I can wake up like nothing happened, not even feeling the alcohol from the night before.
So I've had a drink or two the day the bottle arrived. I never by alcohol for myself, there is none in my house at all. No harm having it, right?
Well, since that day I am having a glass or two every day. I know I will not miss it once the bottle is gone, and I will not buy it for myself, but it is scarry how I cannot say no to it when it is here and available.
I know I am an adict awaiting to be exposed. I know that there is a time bomb inside me that only needs to be triggered.
It is so scarry to think of myself subjectively and say "hey, you are on your way, you are going to be just like your mom".
She wasn't an adict all her life, you know. I wonder at what age she started drinking.....
My friend told me today, that although she knows I will not go out there and start buying this on a regular basis, she is still alarmed knowing that I drink a little bit every day. When I said it is not like that she said I sound like those people who take drugs and keep saying that they can stop whenever they want, only they never do. I thought about that when I poured a drink later tonight. Am I really like that?
Naaaahhhhhh!!!!!
Well, I guess I gotta be careful, and listen to people when they tell me something.
