Something happened yesterday that reminded me of why I got out of working as an ER clerk. Curiously enough, that reason or issue still remains, and I'm not sure it will ever resolve.
I was delivering a document to an executive here late yesterday afternoon. I went looking for the lady it needed to go to, or at least her admin. She works on another floor and when I arrived that whole end of the floor seemed deserted. I decided to just leave the document with a note on her desk, so I went to find her office.
As I entered the office I found all the people who worked at that end of the building. They were all standing at the far end of this lady's desk, but I didn't see the lady. I noticed that they were looking down and then I heard some moaning.
She (the lady executive) was having a seizure. I'm not sure how often this has happened to her before if at all. Instead of rushing in and getting all excited I caught her admin's eye and asked if there was something I could do. From my observations she was already safe from falling since she was obviously laying on the floor, she was breathing since she was moaning, and she had 3 people who were observing her to make sure she didn't harm herself.
The admin seemed outwardly calm, but her mind was very flustered. She couldn't seem to figure out how to get this lady's husband's phone number to call him. I offered to get that and walked down the hall to the nearest phone to call our HR director. She asked if 911 had been called and I told her I had no idea.
I guess it didn't occur to me that with 4 adults present that no one had called 911. I went back and checked with the admin who said yes, they had done that. I called the HR director back and she had located a coworker with the husband's number since the executive hadn't updated her HR file since she was single.
Then, and this is the part that disturbs me most, I walked away. I went back to my desk as if nothing had happened. I didn't stop to discuss it with anyone. I didn't go over to visually make sure she was okay.
Years ago when I first started clerking at the local ER I would go home in tears some nights. I was upset and sad a lot when bad things happened to the people coming in. It was kinda hard on me, but at least I felt something. Over time I stopped going home that way. I could walk away from work in the middle of a code and not give it another thought. I could look at a child that was crying and bleeding and cooly calculate whether or not the wound was something that I should go fetch a nurse to see right away, or register the patient first and then get the nurse.
The turning point for me was one night when we were shoving a body into my bosses office so we would have space to treat patients. I laughed instead of being horrified when the gurney got stuck in the doorway and the nurse had to walk across the gurney and body to unstick the jam. I started looking for another job not in the medical field the next day. I felt like I had lost my humanity and empathy.
Why can't I seem to connect to a situation that obviously should upset or disturb other people? Have I burnt out so thorougly that it's not coming back? I miss having the ability to connect with and empathize with people's feelings.
