Saturday was the funeral. Seeing him laid out in his coffin, looking so peaceful as if he were resting comfortably, brought me to tears. The news of his death was a shocker, but actually SEEING him was quite another experience. And another thing... sitting in the pews for the funeral service was more than just a bit awkward. I haven't been a member of the congregation for years. I am now an atheist. I thought about it while passing his coffin to view him one last time before the burial, I thought, "I'm an atheist." It was all my mind had allowed while gazing down at his lifeless body. Everyone who spoke talked of how devoted he was to the Lord, how he is with God and will surely be watching over us and be guiding us. After the hearse drove away I looked around at everyone. Teary eyed. Sniffling. Some clutching their Bibles. I don't know what happens after one dies. Nobody does. There are many theories about what happens. There are some who say that nothing happens. When you're dead, you're dead. Nothing but a body in the ground. Cold, inanimate flesh that was once a conscious being. Others, say you go back to universe. Your "soul" is re-entered into the cosmos and you become one with universe just as you were before you were born. Then there's reincarnation. Depending on if you follow the Buddha's sutras, or the Hindu's Vedas, reincarnation can mean something different. There are also modified beliefs of reincarnation. Modified to fit Western beliefs and culture. All I can think about right now is how much I miss him and how I wish I knew what happened. Does he now cease to exist? Is there any essence of him at all besides that of our memories? Is there a soul? Nobody knows. Nobody really knows the truth about death. Or about much really. One should not accept something as "the truth" simply because one feels passionately, or is "sure" about it. Is anything done without reason?
The night is here and it is almost time for me to turn off the computer and to begin my work. Tonight, when pen touches paper, my only hope is that I can answer the questions that have been going through my brain at such a high volume, I can hardly hear much else.
Hamlet's Soliloquy:
To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.
AnonymousVoice posted on Jun 05, 2006
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Comments
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underdogtoo said on Jun 05, 2006....
I often think about death in fact, there was a time when I thought this life that I'm living now was so bad and that I woould never get anywhere that I decided to prepare for my next life. Death is scary for most people I guess but this life is the opportunity that we have to learn something or do something. -
AnonymousVoice said on Jun 06, 2006....
There was a time when I was also preparing for my next life. I'm pretty sure that I mean it in the same way you do. I must say, death does not exactly "scare" me per se. It makes me somewhat anxious, however. This life might be our only shot, so I am resolved in making it a "good" one. I quote good because I feel that what makes a good life in my life may or may not be what makes a good life in another's. -
underdogtoo said on Jun 06, 2006....
Life is full of surprises, I always say. Trite but true. -
AnonymousVoice said on Jun 06, 2006....
Surprises in the sense that you're suggesting you and I may have the same concept of a good life? ^__^ -
underdogtoo said on Jun 06, 2006....
Nothing as perceptive as that. Just surprises, like something that pops up when you least expect it. -
AnonymousVoice said on Jun 06, 2006....
Ah, I understand. This certainly applies to my experience with Soul Cast. I haven't been a member for very long and yet I find people with whom I can connect to, people I can discuss my ideas with and not be told I'm completely wrong without giving me an argument, or told that I shouldn't think about such complexities. I wasn't expecting anyone to contact me in any way. This was a nice surprise. -
hotaka said on Jun 06, 2006....
I recently read a blog entry (another blog space) by a devout Christian who said, "Many people who are in Hell now lived this way." He was referring to people who live good Christian lives but aren't actually Born Again. I thought, how do you know that they are in Hell? Did you get to see the Hell guest roster of the week? Did someone send you a postcard? As living beings that are concerned with intellectual pursuits beyond mere survival we have pondered death for ages and come up with many ideas but there is still nothing to prove what actually happens. All we can say is that for now this is my one shot at doing the best I can and then make a go of it. -
AnonymousVoice said on Jun 07, 2006....
Well said, Hotaka. -
the_wanderer said on Jun 08, 2006....
For some, it's their belief in something outside themselves that makes this existence bearable...For others, we can only trust our cold rationality...At times, they both fail...Who's to say if God's up there, smiling upon us and our little lives? Or if it's truly chaos out there...And the only thing listening to our mad chattering is the Silence of the Universe...One thing I know...That day I close my eyes for good, I will have all the answers...Until then...I am to live my life...Good, bad...That is my burden...And that is my only true joy...That out of inexistence, through some unknown mechanism I have come into being...I exist...Even if it's only in a dream...At times it does seem more of a nightmare...All I know that it hasn't ended yet...We're still here...And still dreaming... -
AnonymousVoice said on Jun 09, 2006....
Sometimes I often wonder if this all IS just a dream. -
CITIVIEW said on Jun 30, 2006....
Yes there is life after death. Go check out my blog on Life After Life. Death is the equalizer of Life. It balances out all the inequalities of Life. It is the transition to a new Life. Where do you want to go from this life to the next is entirely up to you.
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