My family fell apart when I was still just a young girl. As a result of that I always longed for a big family, with lots of children. I married young and had my child young. I thought I was gonna have at least a couple of more, but giving birth was a real bitch. I remembered people saying that women forget the pain they are having when giving birth, so while I was holding on to a chair and screaming I told myself: " I know I'm going to forget this pain but here I am saying this so I will not forget my own promis to never ever get myself into this again". That was over 9 years ago, and I have a hard time remembering the pain. However The picture with me holding that chair saying this is still cristal clear in my head.
I also got very depressed after my baby was born, and when I am depressed I get fat. It took me about two years to get back to my old self, get a divorce, lose weight and carry on. As a single mom I also learned how big of a life change and responsibility it is to be a mother. I basically gave up on my own life, especially without the help of any family. I slowly realized I really never ever want to have another baby.
I look around and people are divorcing every day. I cannot seem to find the everlasting love either. I already see a picture of me falling in love, having another child, that get divorced just so I can continiue to fight this shit I call life on my own, only with two or more kids from two different daddies. No thanks, I'll pass.
But lately I spoke to an older Ethiopian man who smiled at me and wished me some more child blessings. When I told him how I feel about that, he looked at me seriously and said:
" You couldn't be more wrong darling. You already have a child, and he needs brothers. What do you think is going to happen to him when you get old? He'll become just as lonely as you are now. No family to turn to, no one to celebrate holidays with? And how about you, who is going to take care of you when you'll shit in your diaper and can't chew your food any more? Are you going to throw all that on only one child? Who is going to help him? Especially a boy - boys are not that emotional, you know. You need a daugther. Daugthers are the ones to take care their parents when they get old, not the sons. Oh you are wrong, and you are not getting any younger either".
WOW! I mean W O W !
I could have replied with the financial things, and my needs as a person, but the truth is, that I felt every word he said. My son is bagging for a brother or a sister and he doesn't even care if there is a daddy or not. I guess he is just bored now, but there are many things that people say about the "only child" fitting him perfectly other than just being bored. The more I am thinking about it the more sense it makes. I already don't have a life due to being a single mom with no family anyway, so why not having at least another girl?
Oh yes, I don't want to get pregnant and go thru all that again.
And ah, right, I should really have a loving and supporting husband to support me mentially and financially before during and after I have more kids. And u-hm, I really should have financial security to at least being able to raise the one child I already have.....
Yes, yes, I remember why I didn't want more kids now.....
But still. Think about it.....
