I have been on a roller coaster ride these past few days, weeks, however long it has been. My birthday came and went, no phone calls- my own mother forgot until the afternoon (and my brother and I have the same birthday, we are her only two children.). I spoke to her several times throughout the day, hearing her ask for this favor or that- wanting me to sit in her house while her bathroom is being renovated - ON MY BIRTHDAY. Other than that, no communication from the outside world. My children remembered. They remember everything. They wanted us to go out to eat but I wasn't in the mood. I worked for a few hours, got my hair done, and came home.
Needless to say my mom forgetting my birthday had me feeling horrible. She later apologized when she remembered- but the damage had been done.
Our anniversary has also passed- it was October 19th. It was an okay day- i was doing better than I had been on my birthday. I worked all day, talking to him off and on. Now his birthday is rapidly approaching. I am trying to make it through this week- then I only have hard times for the holidays to look forward to.
I have still been talking to him everyday- crying sometimes but not as much. The crying is deeper, though. Everyday has been a choice for me and I continue to make the "right" one, the logical one, but it is still hard. I hate this constant pain in my chest and the feelings of guilt that accompany it. I should have been there. I should have been home.
The children are so much better, and I have been fortunate enough to control my emotions for them. They do not see the tears as often and I know that is helping them to heal. I have to be strong for them, but who will be strong for me?
I know I am depressed. I finally went and got my hair done for my birthday- it looks much better now. The hairdo has encouraged me to look decent at least when I leave the house, and I have even put on lipgloss a couple times. I have learned to smile at customers- that struggling, half fake smile with a shifting gaze, but a smile nonetheless. I make sure to wear a different shirt everyday now, maybe the same jeans but who notices anyway?
It feels like I am losing him all over again every morning. Every day the emptiness is there, the big hole in my life that is a black void slowly sucking all of the life and joy out of me. I have been fighting it, fighting for acceptance of the things that I cannot change. The questions constantly flood my mind, though, and will not give me peace. The why's and the how's anger me everyday but I push on until my body collapses from exhaustion. I can not remember the last time I just went to sleep on my own. I fight sleep everynight trying to come to terms with this loss, begging his pictures for answers, only to be left in silence and alone. I pray for my faith to be restored. I pray for my life to come back together. I pray for direction, understanding and compassion.
I am still fighting the good fight- trying to stay strong and have faith. It is becoming harder again, as if I am starting the greiving process all over from the beginning. I am fighting it, but it is winning. I try to catch myself when I feel my mind wandering to the saddness.
I can't get the picture out of my mind of the mortician putting super glue on his lips. Why the hell would you do that in front of me? I made sure my husband looked good on his final farewell to the world. After the super glue, his lips were so dry and chapped. I walked out after seeing him apply the glue, but made sure he knew to put something on his lips so they wouldn't look so dry. When I returned his lips were not chapped anymore. My husband looked so natural and so beautiful. He was sleeping.
I can do this. I can keep making the "right" choice. I can be strong for my children. I will preservere.
