there's a big family drama in my life right now...

can't share it...

it hurts too much to type it...

funny, if you are with me right now you'll think nothing is wrong...

the queen is just typing out... her face does not register the sadness she felt on her family... especially on her brother who is an ass...

the brother who is only 11 months older than me...

the brother...

oh what the hell let me just say it out loud....

the fucking brother who almost killed a guy because he was chased down by a policeman because he was using his fucking motorcycle and it's illegal to drive it without the headlights...

who was the fucking brains that instead of giving up to the police he was scared shit so he ran away and he accidentally hit a man with his motorcycle... thank goodness that man was alive... but now the family of the guy would want my brother to pay for the hospital bills... but my father would not help him because my father gave up already on him...

i cant blame father.... my brotehr did a lot of fucked up things in his life...

stealing... dropping out of college three times... fooling my mother twice. he said he was going to college instead he was printing out his grades. so he coul ask for allowance and tuition using it for god knows what... yeah dont forget drugs... again stealing... the fucking motorcycle... the fucking motorcyle he is still using...

so who's to blame for this???

our family???

honestly... i blame my parents a little.. i mean look at me... i'm kinda fucked up too...

but i choose to be lazy and useless... than be an ass and be useless...

my parents did the best they can to give us the comfortable life we have now...god... i'm 22 still living at home and tehy are okay with it... but that does not mean they do no discipline us.... ohmygod they did... the problem was only me and my other siblings listen to them... my older brother didnt... 

instead he listen to himself... only to himself... he didnt want to listen on how my parents love us so much that my mother would give up everything for him... and you know what a part of me was jealous of that... can't he fucking see that???

so noi dont blame my parents... they tried their best... he wouldnt listen...

i would not even blame myself... as the second i was the one who really understood him... eventhough when we were young... well up to now... we fight like cats and dogs... i would still remember the day when i took out the knife and threathen to kill him... because i was so angry at him when we were fighting... can you believe that i did that when i was 15???

or how about the day when i was 18... i was at a party... i was so drunk... instead of helping me go home... he beat me up... yup he beat me up... he said i was making a fool of myself... oh wait... that party with my cousins and few friends... who said i was not doing anything stupid... that i was just chatting to a friend... that i got drunk so my cousins let me rest on a chair... so i fell asleep... and then they said that y brother then instantly slap me... telling me i was a whore for being drunk at a party... a party where it was stopped because he was beating me... eventhough i didnt do anything... my cousins and friends at that moment didnt do anything... they were too stunned at what was going... why was he beating his own sister whne she was not doing anything wrong??? they stopped him... almost beat him because he was an ass for beating a girl... his own sister...

you might say... queen you were drunk. how would you know??? well, i woke up and vaugely remember what happened that night... i thought it was just a dream... until i saw the bruises on my face and wrists... and my cousins told me the whole story... even my grandma told me what happened.. and you know what confiirmed it all???

he said it was all true... he did beat me up...

i told him why???

because it was the only chance he could get to get back at me...i was the good one... he was the bad one... he has all this anger at the world... at my family... that he did this to me...

so what did i do???

five years has passed...

it was difficult but i forgave him...

he was my brother after all...

i forgave him eventhough deep inside he did not mean the apology he gave me...

i forgave him because i love him...

and now this...

a whole new headache foor my parents... anotehr fucked up thing my brother did...

we still love him... still hoping he'll change his ways...

but i gave up now... i gave up at shouting at him... at telling at him to change his fucking ways... at telling at him to stop messing up his life...

i give up...

but i still love him... he's my brother...

but what can we do??? he wouldnt accept that love...

i told my mother a million times that my brother need some psychological help...

wll now she's considering it...

she thought she couldd still control him... that she could change him... i told her she can't... only my brother can cahnge his life...

so here i am soulcasters... telling you our family's dirty laundry... because it's the only way for me to be sane at this moment...

i know our family would never be perfect... i know that this would makes us stronger...

i just hope that it would just stop... because nobody is winning...  only losing... and hurting...

gotta go wiped my fucking tears now... try to go to sleep... pray that tomorrow would be different...

God, i hope so...