i miss thinking about things that really matter. things like, philosophies on life and what everything means to me. i've analyzed most aspects to a comfortable acceptance. accepting things like the fact that i dont know what happens when you die and that love is all in our heads. thing is, even though i know love is all in our minds, it's still the one thing i want more than anything. it's still powerful none the less. it's still the most beautiful and damaging feeling i've ever felt. i no longer question religious matters, i have my own beliefs clearly recognized. i dont have the extremes issues i once had to work through: i dont have nearly as many panic attacks as i once did (5 a day at the least gone to 1 once in a while) and when i do get them i can usually control them to a mild state, i dont hallucinate very much anymore which is surprising and almost painful, i dont cut or try to kill myself anymore, fighting heroin is still hard but i dont do it anymore and that's taken all pressure off any other drug i once did. i feel weird. i'm in a state of being i've never been in before. my beliefs are in order, my personality is somewhat in tact... all i really have to do right now is stay on this decent path and do those "human world" bullshit things like move, get money, get more education... i dont have some insane or ridiculous thing to focus on... like when i was insane, or in love, or on a big drug or something like that... like i dont know what to do with myself, i guess like even though im getting into the whole job thing... theres just not really any thing that i actually enjoy doing anymore, and if i decide to enjoy something it'll just go away as quickly as it came anyway....

i hate people but i feel lonely.


idk. im tired of thinking.