OMG... I don't know what I'm going or what I'm supposed to do! I love my kids with all my heart and I always vowed that my kids would always come first. They would always be what mattered to me before anything else in this world. I vowed that I would sacrafice anything for their happiness. And it seems that I might just have to sacrafice me being with Lyle so that my kids, especially my oldest ( since she is the one having problems) can be happy.

Their dad called me a few mins after my last post... to inform me that he don't understand or know what is wrong with Makayla. She is the most well behaved child I have ever met. She hasn't had a spanking since she was 1 1/2 ( and that was just a swat cause she kept trying to stick a fork in a light socket) and she is 6 now. But all day today he said that she has been acting out.. back talking him and his wife ( who he is leaving soon) Just totally being all out bad.. well I got her on the phone and the first thing she said when I asked her what was going on.. was that she was going to be bad until Me and Her daddy got back togather. The thing is... I know that eventually she might learn to deal with this... seeing that she is sooo young but she has already had to go to counseling once over me and him spliting up.

She shows signs of Depression and she is only SIX! I'm afraid that if this continues to go like this that she is going to be on medicine to control her depression for the rest of her life.. or worse yet that I'm going to walk into a room to find her gone cause she ran away... or find a suicide note... : crying :

I grew up in a situration like this where I couldn't stand my moms new boyfriend who ended up later on being my stepdad and I voiced my opinion, and acted out and my mom didnt' care. And I VOWED that I would never do that to my children. And if I don't act on how my daughter feels then I wouldn't be doing what is best for my kids interests. So I just don't know what to do... I dont' know how I'm supposed to go about doing it.

The main thing I don't know how to do... is if I were to decide to go back to Ryan so my kids could be happy.. how am I going to explain that to Lyle? How am I going to be able to leave and know how bad I hurt him! How am I supposed to live my life knowing that I might have ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Once upon a time I thought Ryan was the love of my life. Once upon a time I wanted to be with Ryan for the rest of my life. We have had good times.. and have had bad times. How am I supposed to know that this was just something that happened and that he is still the one that I'm supposed to be with. I Just don't knwo what to do..... Someone HELP!!!!

Tee