Being that there is a fear here within me of us ending up homeless, I have been having some suicidal thoughts. I don't want to deal with homelessness. I have dealt with all sorts of abuse and mental illness. I'm trying to get my life together. I'm scared. It seems so unfair that I have to continuously cope with this fear as the possibility of it turning into a reality draws closer every day. The doctor doesn't want me to work. I don't know if I could handle working for long periods of time. I also don't like this possibility that my mother won't find a job in time for us to keep the trailer. As I said before, I'm scared. I'm very scared. I feel like God is dishing out all of the worst in life onto me because he hates me. It's making me not want to live. The voices kept taunting me last year with "You're homeless." as something that they said repetetively. It's like they are predicting my future or something. I thought that voices in the head were supposed to be ignored and harmless. It seems to me that they are harmful. Now I know that they are connected to a spirit or something. Perhaps a diety or devil is trying to push me over the edge. How many times will I go over the edge before I finally die? Why is life always despair? Part of me is trying to survive this. The other part wants to die and say "Fuck life!" I don't know what to do anymore. This shit is draining me. Its making me sick. I want to be ok. I don't want to deal with this despair anymore. I've dealt with it throughout my life. It's not fair.
Comments
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lionesss said on Oct 17, 2008....
ots ok to be scared from time to time but the way you talk about it, well id be very concerned, you see i think you should go back to your doctor and tell em exactly the same and about the voices,, do you take medication at all, mybe you need to be referred to a therapist as things can get out of hand very quickly if not delt with, and maybe your doctor could help you deal with other concerns you have for homeless thorts maybe get in touch with another service that could help you nd your family.:)x -
hellboundmercinary said on Oct 18, 2008....
Well, I do take medication. I see a therapist once a month because that's all we can afford. It just seems like my nightmare might come true. I talked to one lady and she said that it was the devil telling me that. I wonder if it's actually God bullying me because people don't want me to be myself. It seems like someone is sticking up for everyone else that's been bullying me. It ain't right, but that's what I'm noticing.
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hellboundmercinary said on Oct 18, 2008....
Oh, lioness, thank you for your concern. -
lionesss said on Oct 18, 2008....
OMG, who told you that it was the devil who is telling you all the stuff in your head?, it wasnt your therapist was it?, cos if it was i wudnt go back there as that is NOT TRUE....if i were you go back to your doctor and ask for your medication to be reviewed and change your therapist as its not actually doing anything positve and i think you shud be seeing a therapist more than once a month, dnt you have a service where you dnt have to pay for mental health services and care, im sure there is go and talk to a doctor you need to... dnt be listenin to the rubbish your being told by who ever it is that told you its the devil,,you def need more help and suport my friend :)x -
feedmejo said on Apr 01, 2009....
I know how you feel. It is not okay to listen to the voices and I have been trying hard to fight them off too. I know how hard life seems to be right now but you will see that life will be harder if you try to kill youself.I really hope that you get better.
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