K keeps sending me these stupid text messages that just say things like "still up?" at like 1:00 in the morning. Like I need this crap. Like it doesn't kill me the next day when I wake up and read it and realize that I missed him. That there was a window of time when we could have talked, after my kids and husband were asleep. That I slept right through it. That I could have had his deep, amazing voice in my ear as I lay there in the dark. And I missed it. And there might not be another window open for another week or so.
We chatted online for about an hour the other night, discussed in detail the fact that my marriage is probably broken to the point of no repair at this point. And although as I read his words, I could hear him saying them (he writes the exact way that he talks, which makes me laugh) it wasn't the same. It wasn't this intimate moment, when we can hear each other, and when we run out of things, we're content to sit in the silence for a moment.
I wish I had ever had the connection with my husband that we have. I met K years ago, after I knew my husband, and K was caught up in this guilty cycle of beating himself up after losing a woman that he loved when he cheated with an ex. We bonded in this amazing way, and I felt like this person, not my primary relationship, was my soulmate. He eventually told me that he couldn't keep going, he had to cut ties, stop our relationship completely, because I had someone else, and he knew that, but he wasn't open to meeting new people. He would sit on the subway on the way to work and see women that he was interested in, but would never talk to them, because he couldn't stop thinking about me. So I told him to go, do what he had to do, and I thought that he would come back. He did, a few times, briefly, but after a while, he didn't. We went years without talking.
Now years later, my marriage is on the rocks, and K and I are re-starting things. He is out of his guilty cycle, has had a few serious relationships since then, and I feel like I can't let him go again. I am vaguely obsessed with him. He keeps just enough distance to avoid us getting close enough to really fall for each other. I don't hear from him everyday, but if I did, it's true. I would lose all rational thought and fall right in love with him. Again.
