I think that I am going to get back into reading psychology and self help books.  I started on one about trauma.  I'm going to read some of it today while I'm doing laundry.  It gave good information on dissociation while being traumatized.  I know what it's like.  I dissociate so much that it's ridiculous.  I feel parts of me come and go.  It was once so bad that I thought that these parts of me were the spirits that I see, trying to step in.  Now I see that they are fragments of my own self because I let them in.  I really have nothing better to do during the day while I am bored out of my skull.  I would be well learned in coping skills and shit if I do get back into this stuff.  I have been through so much shit.  I'm still alive though.  I have to remember that I am at least surviving.  Some people can't even do that.  I live longer than my first ex-fiance did.  That's something to be thankful for.  Despite all of the violations to my human rights by bad Americans, I am still breathing.  I am also fully aware that there are some very good Americans too.  I just hate to know that some of them get torn up by the bad ones.  I know that someone has been monitoring me.  I hope that they are happy to learn all about what I'm about.  Fucking nosey asses wanting attention while fucking with my shit.  Still I breathe.  Maybe I am a masochistic lunetic.  I don't know.  All I know is that I still try to live despite my pain.  I am still trying to fix what people continually want to tear down, some of them for the sake of how they view God's desires.  It's going to get them into heaven to judge and violate someone who is pagan in viewpoint?  Whatever happened to thou shalt not judge?  Anyway, I'm getting off track here.  I need to view my psych books.  Christianity ain't going to help me out of this and neither is pagan belief, at least not by themselves.  I have to try combining the all of the human existence in order to know where I fit in and how I am going to heal.