To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford Dictionary.) Her sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", Favour", "Labour" and "Neighbour". Likewise you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half of the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise". Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "U" and the elimination of "-ize".
3. 4th July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal isues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get use to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only propper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occassionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face Australia first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with your shortly to ensure the aquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Thank you.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
(((NB: this place is so slow its pissing me off tonight so I'll try again tomorrow and see if its any faster then))
Lucytorial posted on Oct 14, 2008
| views: 239
Comments
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destinydiva said on Oct 14, 2008....
LMAO!!!!!!!! :-) -
queenparanoia said on Oct 14, 2008....
bwahahahhahahhahahahhahahathis video is for you lucy!!!! little britain in america!!!
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moonriver said on Oct 14, 2008....
lucy -- LOL especially at #11 and 12. i liked all of it, actually, except #14. if the queen imposes #14, there will be another boston tea party, but this time, it will be held in all u.s. cities, and the enraged colonials might not be in the mood to use proper cups and saucers... :-)
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diabolicdame said on Oct 14, 2008....
I've actually read that before but I still laughed again.. hehehe.. -
beyondtheveil said on Oct 14, 2008....
lucy- I'll have to rebel and fight to the death -
No human being should have to put vinegar on their potatoes.
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queenparanoia said on Oct 14, 2008....
beyond: french fries is great with vinegar... try it!!!! -
uniquely-ironic said on Oct 14, 2008....
Sorry Queenie, BTV is right. No self respecting American would think of putting vinegar on their fries.Very funny Lucy! Is the Queen coming to reclaim that prisoner's colony next? -
fragglesrock said on Oct 14, 2008....
#5! i'll kindly volunteer to be in charge of issuing those permits -
Hegemone said on Oct 14, 2008....
Lucy, roflmao...that was hilarious. I've never read that before...but guess since I'm an american I don't go lookin' for British humor. I am so on board with # 2 and would help however necessary..."like" um "you know" because I want to...I HATE when people use those statements in a conversation where they are completely inappropriate. Ah if only we americans could realize what we're missing. Thanks again Lucy! -
mobil said on Oct 14, 2008....
Loading my guns Lucy haha.............funny stuff though, it's meant to be funny right? -
Fallyn said on Oct 14, 2008....
i read it to my mom....
she was laughing so hard she was crying.
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winterslight said on Oct 14, 2008....
you cant take a way football :( i am just learning it. and just so you no them boys are ruff padded and all. poor son comes home everyday and shows me a new boo boo of the day. poor boy i havent seen so many cuts, bumps and bruises on him. but you cant take it from them boys!
now i guess the rest ill go for i dont drink so i dont care. i love vinger. and my granny is english and i learned to mimc her talk so ok i am game.
i also noticed queen you must love basketball cause u (hehe) didnt touch it. guess tall boys you find sexy!
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cuppajava said on Oct 14, 2008....
God save our gracious what ?? ahaaaaaaaaaa - you didnt think that the little irish pommie would see this one,did you he he ???
If only it were possible?? I could just imagine old Gordon Brown running around the oil fields in Texas with a tool belt around his waist and a hard hat on !
By the way - it is called 'football' in the UK too .......
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woman said on Oct 14, 2008....
Thanks for the laugh Lucy. God knows we better be able to laugh at ourselves about now. (Only complaint is I do believe that Obama is a decent choice.) Loved # 2,4,5,7, & 8! -
Fallyn said on Oct 14, 2008....
yeah, i was wondering about basketball too. :P -
winterslight said on Oct 14, 2008....
ya thats y i added it i find it odd the queen with all them rule dont have basketball there. it must be she loves the tall sweating men in them shorts running back and forth. i mean they are sexy. well some are lol. -
beyondtheveil said on Oct 14, 2008....
lucy- I'll change my mind if they will take basketball and golf off tv. -
RollingC said on Oct 14, 2008....
:^) -
wombat said on Oct 14, 2008....
I enjoyed reading this. You know, I may have been Brittish in a past life---I have trouble spelling words sometimes because I naturally want to add those u's! I'm not too fond of roundabouts, and there is one here in my town in New England. The metric system was a major faux paus by someone who thought we were more intelligent than we were....Ha! I remember being told we were going to metric back in the 1960's! Too much good stuff here to keep commenting--I liked reading it all. -
ALIENated said on Oct 14, 2008....
Hey Queenie, take back your country from all the Muslims that have invaded, and will taulk.
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Lucytorial said on Oct 14, 2008....
Okay okay... quiet down class! te hehehee.I roared with laughter reading this (it came via email from a friend) ~ really I can't find any of the points funnier than others.. I can even read this in the British Accent.
Destiny ~ I KNEW! you would get this....Beyond ~ They'd probably replace it with tv coverage of Grouse shooting in the country.Now I am at work so can't comment individually here back later.. -
one_wired_kitty said on Oct 14, 2008....
*giggles* ... -
travelr712 said on Oct 15, 2008....
do you guys really have to live under all those rules? no wonder the rest of the european continent broke off from you! :-P -
queenparanoia said on Oct 15, 2008....
Alienated: so youve been reading about our country... anyway yup there is war here in mindanao about the MILF and the military. but the philippines is not yet invaded...
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