This beloved life of mine has been put through some serious shit. We all know that already though. I'm thinking that there are ways to hold my head up instead of down. Church and Christianity are not the answers that I seek. I need to feel whole, not fragmented. I have to find another place to do the work at soon because the Christians are driving me nuts. They talk about praying for me, this that and the other thing, yet they do it in vain. They believe in their God. That's fine. I don't want to believe that God is that cruel. I want to believe in more than one diety. I want to believe that there is a female aspect to higher poweredness. When I go to that church, I am very uncomfortable. I don't like hiding myself. I don't like being ashamed of who I am or what I stand for. I don't want to alienate myself from myself. I want to be happy. Christianity isn't going to do it for me. They are very loving people at that church. Don't get me wrong. I just am not so loving. Regardless of all of this, I'm damn sure going to be happy.
I was reminded today of suicide attempts. I saw bugs appearing and disappearing on the concrete as I was sitting there smoking a cigarette. I used to see bugs all in the toilet and shit when I overdosed. I can't let anyone push me to see the nightmare of the suicide attempts again. I hate the fact that I still have residual hallucinations from them. I fucked myself up pretty good. One thing I'm greatful for is the fact that I can still think enough to type in this blog. I have to love my life. I didn't do anything to deserve my own hatred. I know of some folks that have though. Perhaps they're the ones I should be taking care of. If negative vibes that they sent could influence the outcome of my existence, like it has, why couldn't I control their life outcomes with mine? Psychic mud throwing is what they've been enjoying doing. NOW it's my fucking turn. Oh hell yes indeed. Some people's lives are gonna get fucked up.
