Well this year is the 20th year anniversary of when my mother gave me away. I was 13 and I am now 33. The exact month that she gave me away, I don’t have a clue. I just remember my mom finding my unsent letters to Dear Abby, my real blood dad, and my Nanny underneath my mattress. These letters were asking for help because life at my mom’s was horrible. Just horrible. My mom locked me in my room for over a year. I was only allowed to go to school. But, I had to eat all my meals in my room. When she called me downstairs, instead of calling me by my name, she called me “It.” “It, come downstairs”, she would yell. I was never allowed to eat with my family. And, even for family gatherings, I could hear everyone downstairs laughing and listening to music and enjoying each other. I had to be upstairs away from everyone. I even had to ask to use the bathroom, which was right next to my room. I never fully understood why this was the way it was. But, I think it all has to do with my stepdad, her husband, molesting me from the ages of 7 to 10. I think my mom knew, but never knew of any other way of handling it.

When she found those letters, she became angry and said that if I was unhappy there, then I could move out. She called relatives and friends to see where I could stay. Finally, my uncle took me in.

Easter passed and my mother never called, nor sent anything. Nothing. I was hurt. I was 13. I was lonely. From this point on, my life was a downward spiral for many, many years. One abuse after another, being in the foster care system, being abused. Unhealthy behavior due to the loneliness and abuse. Lots of stories to tell and they will be told.

But, regarding my mother, I would call her every month. However, she never ever took the initiative, on her own thought, to call me but maybe 5 times since I was 13 years old till now. She is still with the man that molested me and her and I still have no relationship. This man that took my life and my innocence away. He has enjoyed all the holidays and vacations and just everyday life with my family, with my mom, and my siblings. Sadly, I have little girls and she does not attempt to have a relationship with them either. Yet, for my siblings she still is there.

So, 20 years of trying. I finally said enough is enough. I gave her one last chance. After I was recently assaulted by a cop, I called her asking for help. I never asked for help. I did everything on my own growing up and still do. But, I really needed a place to go, to hide away because I was scared of what this cop may do, because I told the DA on him. I left a message. About two weeks passed, she replied. After three days, I said in my mind, “I am done.” If it was any of my other brothers or sister, she would have built a new hideaway home for them if she was able.

I now know she knows what my stepdad did. I think she always knew and just could not handle it. But, the fact is she chose to live with this man, still to this day being miserable because he treats her horrible. She allowed him to live with my family and continue to mistreat my brothers and sister. She chose that over me, her daughter. She still does. I give up. She is not my mother. She was the tool to bring me into this world. Everything I am, is nothing out of her kindness or her love. Those things I never saw. She lost out on a pretty damn good person. But that was her choice.