A movie from the early 70s, based on a play, the movie starring Lawrence Olivier and Michael Caine, redone very recently, this time with Michael Caine in the older role and Jude Law in the younger role formerly played by Caine.

Never saw the play. Never saw the Olivier movie. Just saw the new version on one of the movie channels On Demand.

My guess is that Jude Law met Michael Caine and decided to produce the remake, using Caine in the opposite role to the one he originally played.

I majored in theatre in college. This movie has the feel of a two-person play. It is something right out of acting class. You want to know what it's like to be a theatre major in college? Watch this movie. Just two people bouncing off each other.

They get very artsy on you. Artsy fartsy. Symbolic and cutey pie. There is a mannikin that is shown in the background. A dressed manikin of the older man's wife, who is the younger man's lover. She herself never appears in the movie. Of course not. Her manikin does. Later, her car does. We are waiting for her entrance at the very end. But I knew. Fat chance. She wasn't appearing. The audience would not have its curiosity satisfied. I knew we were dealing with artsy fartsy here.

The ending is just right for artsy fartsy too. Something dramatic and unexpected happens, leaving you with more questions than answers at the moment, and the woman's car rushes up to make a big entrance, and then I knew, man, you ain't getting any explanations and you ain't getting any wifey. You're getting credits. Roll the credits. We're done here. Leave em scratchin their heads and sayin "brilliant, simply brilliant". Eat me.

You might be impressed with this sort of shit ending, but not after you've seen 47 of them, all identical.

The writing is incredibly artificial. The acting is fantastic. The plot is "involved", "intricate", and utterly unrealistic.

It begins with Michael Caine inviting Jude Law to his house. Knowing, mind you, that Jude Law is not only fucking Caine's wife, but that Caine's wife has deserted him to live with the younger man.

There are certain false leads that didn't take me in for a second. Caine says that he is done with his wife, and that his only interest is that Jude Law keep the Mrs far from Caine's door. My bullshit detector was on high siren. Bullshit, bullshit, you can't see through this? He's pissed and he wants his wife back. Duhhhh!

They are in a big game of one-upmanship. Caine is goofing on Jude Law for being a hairdresser, a low class piece of shit like me and you, just a working prick. Caine is filthy rich. Meanwhile, Jude Law is goofing on Caine just for the fact that he's fucking Caine's wife, and the wife has said some insulting things about her husband. So they are ragging on each other in a very competitive way. The hatred is thick.

Caine cooks up this really stupid plot that Law falls for, incomprehensibly. That's one of the major weaknesses of the story. Nobody in his right mind would fall for this shit. Caine makes Jude Law look like a housebreaker. Law is a fucking idiot for going along with it, climbing a roof, smashing a window. The cover story is that Caine wants Law to steal the million dollar jewelry in the house, so he can collect insurance money, and so Law can have the million dollar jewelry and therefore be able to support the mercenary Mrs Caine who is very high maintenance.

Caine scares Law and makes him pee in his pants. He shoots him. You're allowed to shoot a housebreaker.

A detective shows up at Caine's door. The guy is looking for Jude Law. Caine says he shot Jude Law with a blank, Jude Law fainted, was humiliated, and was allowed to leave the house. The detective doesn't buy it. Eventually the detective takes off his false face and shows himself to be Jude Law. My wife had an intake of breath and a "holy shit" moment but this particular ruse didn't take me in for a second. I knew as soon as I saw the detective that made up as he was, unrecognizable as he really was, he still had to be Jude Law. Nothing else made sense. The whole story had the feel of a two-person play. So if Caine is Caine, the other guy has to be Jude Law. There's nobody else here. Only two actors were hired. Plain as day.

Which one does the Mrs love? She calls both on their cell phones.

Then comes the homo part. Caine and Law flirt with each other. Caine asks Law to move in with him. I wonder if this was in the original play and the earlier movie with Olivier. Can you picture Olivier kissing a young Michael Caine? I don't know, I think maybe that was added to the more recent movie. I'm thinking that Caine and Law are bi and they had fun with that part.

The big ending is that Caine shoots Law with a real gun this time and blows him away, and then Mrs. Caine drives up in her car. The plot is actually a lot simpler than we were led to believe. Caine is pissed that his wife left, and wants her back. He just wants his fucking wife back. And she's coming back too, because he's rich and the hairdresser isn't. She'll fuck some other pretty boy later, but she likes being rich.

Then you have your class overtones, with wealthy Caine looking down on (God forbid) Italian Jude Law (Tyndalini). Ridiculous name. Like spaghettini, only worse. Ridiculous clown of an Italian, so far beneath the wealthy Brit. Dance with a monkey, Tyndalini. How dare you overreach yourself with a proper English woman. Pizza burner. Grow a silly mustache and cook me a pepperoni pizza you silly nit.

The plot does hold your interest. If you like sleuth movies, Agatha Christie mysteries, you'll like this one. But if you demand reality, this won't be your cup of tea. It's as artificial as it gets, as unreal as it gets, with people not behaving at all the way people behave. Howevah, if you like good acting, you'll see plenty of it here. Michael Caine is an Actor with a Capital A. Law, in the supporting role, does fine too. Playing opposite Michael Caine, I bet even I would look like a pretty good actor. Caine brings it out, sets a high standard.