Well, I call bullshit.  No-one ever told me it was going to hurt this bad.  After close to four years, and too many break ups to count on both hands, the king of love is more like the jester... a joke to the court, and a laugh for all.

 

Seeing as this is a brand new blog, lets recap:

 

Mr. Black, the love of my life and the person I always thought would be there to see the end of my years, hand in hand, left me this April, after I caught him in a less than good predicament with another lover to be...  It killed me, ripped out my insides and fed them back to me.  He played so many games during the break up I didn't know which way was up. All of this happened not 3 weeks from my final exams in school, and about 2 moths after we had planned the date for our wedding. 

 

I remembered my mother, and her divorce from my father, and how crazy it made her, and after a couple months, I vowed to never let that happen to me.  I started dating a new "Mr. Fantastic," who really rocked my socks off!  He made me feel amazing!  He lowered my guard, raised my spirits, and it seemed as quickly as he arrived in my life, Mr Fantastic, My Knight in shining EVERYTHING, changed, and ran screaming at the thought of commitment.  It killed my spirit less than Mr. Black's ruined attempt at love, but most likely because I was so numbed by the first loss.

 

Then there was "The Queen."  She made me feel loved.  Utterly loved.  She brought me to a safe place, but it scared me because she was to much celebrity for me.  I couldn't handle the idea that someone could outshine me. She is truly Calgary "royalty" and a beautiful and amazing well known face.  It scared me, and I couldn't give myself to her completely.  The whole dating a drag queen thing was strange too...  She was a beautiful woman, and a stunning boy, but what did I do?  What could I do?  I walked away.

 

During all of the mess I was creating with "The Queen," I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and now have some clusters of cells to be removed from my inner stomach too.  It was just too much... so I avoided everything.  Now I have to face this all... alone.

 

About two months ago, I started "seeing" Mr. Black again, which was amazing.  He changed so much I thought, and it felt soothing to be in his arms again.  He helped me tremendously too.  He dished out cash when I needed it, and offered a shoulder to cry on, but it always worried me that the "old" Mr Black would rear his head.  He and I decided to see other people, and remain friends with sex involvement.  So I started to see Master. Childish. 

 

Master. Childish, a boy of just 21, was PURRRRRfect for escaping into a world of escaping... when I needed to.  In between the 'on and offs' with Mr. Fantastic and The Queen, there was Master. Childish.  He was always a threat to me when it came to feeling young and still beautiful.  I avoided him over and over again, but finally gave in.

 

Thursday, This Thursday, I called Mr Black, and asked him when he would finally be taking me on that date we had been recently speaking of.  He yammered on about money, and I explained that even a picnic would do, I honestly just wanted to see him, and make it a romantic outing.  He got pissy.  I ended our convo, and later called him back. I asked him what his plans for the weekend were, he said a party on Friday, and Some other party on Saturday.  It pissed me off!!! I was like: what the fuck??  There's no time for me?  Where's this date you said you'd take me on.  Needless to say, I ended that call quickley. 

 

That night I called up Master Childish, and asked him if he wanted to do something.  He said he did, and it was nice to feel like someone, anyone, had time for me.  I ended up taking some E with his friend Irene, an Asian bimbo of 34, with no real goals or aspirations, except to (as of late) get high, and also to get rich some how... while getting a little sex along the way... OR a lot!  She is a total slut, but I actually love her style sometimes/most times.  After a stint at the club, Irene and I went to Master. Childish's, while the E was still kicking in.  We had sex a few times, but I couldn't finish.  I would get close, and then see Mr. Blacks face, and I would feel so guilty I couldn't come!! It was aggravating!  So he claimed it was the first time he had a full body orgasm, and I felt satisfied in that.

 

The next day, I decided to give in to the need for love, and call Master Childish. No Answer.  I called Mr Black... No answer.  This went on for a while... Then the next day I gave up after calling these boys relentlessly.  Turns out, there was a PAINFULLY cute young lad of 20 years old banging at my door, and I loved that!  We went out, with Irene and his friend Britney, and it was hot!  Non stop, beautiful, painful cute, Italian hotness!  We spent the night at Britney's house and it was nice. 

 

To my surprise though, Mr. Black and Master Childish had hooked up, had sex on Friday (the day after I hooked up with Master Childish) and 2 days after Mr. Black and I were last intimate.  They Partied the night away on Saturday, and Mr Black still wont speak to me.  Master Childish gave me the details, and it hurt.  So Sunday, I thought I had nothing left, and ate an entire bottle of Tylonal.  Sooooo stupid.  I called up Mr. Fantastic last night (Monday) and we walked and talked, and god I miss when it was good with him.  I hope to see a lot more of him.  "Little Italy" was so hot, and sweet, and just good in general, that I hope something works out there, but he's so young, and I'm scared of that...  I think Mr. Fantastic is a Teacher, and a sweet boy, and so frigging hot.  I don't know where to turn.  My gut tells me to do the worst thing though, which is to try to sleep with either Mr Black, or Master Childish, just to screw it up for them, but am praying for a change in placs due to an offer that will most likely not be coming from Mr. Fantastic... we'll see.  Either way, I am so lost.  But not all is ruined.  I still have... oh wait... I was wrong.  I don't have anything left as for friends and love, and don't see it working out with little Italy as he is such a young one... We'll see though... I wish I could say: "at least I have my health..."