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mOOn platOOn Trumps The Election: Our Candidates on The Apprentice

On this special episode of The Apprentice, the presidency will be decided. We’ve just returned from our final commercial break and will find out who gets fired and who will be The President…

TRUMP: All right, now, your assignment was to design a stuffed animal, create marketing materials for it, and see who could sell the most. Obama, your team chose to make a stuffed donkey. McCain, your team chose to make a stuffed elephant. As project managers, would you each explain your choice of animals?

OBAMA: Ahhhh, well, you know a donkey spreads around a lot of fertilizer, and fertilizer can change barren soil into a lush garden. So a donkey represents hard work and change.

McCAIN: The only fertilizer coming from that donkey is coming from out of it’s ass!

TRUMP: Now see, John? That’s the attitude that your team has been complaining about.

McCAIN: Okay, okay, but it was a joke, see? And the reason we chose an elephant was because, hey, who do you want to be in a fight? An elephant or a mule?

OBAMA: Ahhhh…that’s “donkey.”

TRUMP: Chris Dodd. What kind of job has Obama done as your team leader?

DODD: He’s inexperienced. He’s always talking, talking, talking while everyone else is working. He’s telling one of us one thing and someone else something completely different…

TRUMP: But Chris, Chris…you were responsible for one thing: the donkey’s tail. The donkey has a bad tail, Chris. That looks like a collie’s tail. And you bored everyone to death. You’re fired. (Dodd leaves) Mike Huckabee! What do you think of John McCain as your project manager?

HUCKABEE: He’s a pretty good PM, but sometimes he just lacks faith. He needs to stop suspending the project, and delaying the project…

TRUMP: But Mike, isn’t it true that you’re subliminally preaching to everyone all the time? And you were supposed to design the elephant’s trunk, and that trunk is leaning way far to the right. Huckabee, you’re fired. (Huckabee leaves) Okay, Joe Biden.

BIDEN: Yes, sir?

TRUMP: Biden, you’ve played this game before.

BIDEN: Yes sir!

TRUMP: And we brought you back, gave you another chance, and your job was the donkey’s legs. But Joe, the donkey keeps falling over! Joe, listen, I like you Joe, and I wish you the best, but Biden, you’re fired. (Biden goes) Okay, Mitt Romney. Mitt, your job was to make the elephant’s ears. Have you ever seen an elephant?

ROMNEY: I’ve seen and managed many elephants, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: Well I’ve never seen elephants with ears sticking straight out of their heads like butterfly wings before, those ears stand out like a sore thumb. Too weird. Romney, you’re fired. (Romney goes) John Edwards.

EDWARDS: Yes sir. Sir, before you say anything I just want to point out that there are two donkeys, and only one is represented here tonight.

TRUMP: John, you’re a charming guy, but my people tell me that you’ve been cheating.

EDWARDS: Well, that wasn’t true at first. And while recently it did become true, I…

TRUMP: You’re fired! (Exit Edwards) Hillary Clinton. (Hillary nods, hands folded on table) Hillary, you did a pretty impressive job with the donkey’s ass. That’s a nice plump ass. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s just something about you I don’t trust. You’re fired. (Clinton off) Sarah Palin.

PALIN: Howdy hi-there, Mr. Trump! (wink)

TRUMP: Wow! Are you energetic!

PALIN: Golly gee thanks, fella. That’s sweet of ya. (wink)

TRUMP: Are you winking at me?

PALIN: Aw, gee whiz, are ya kiddin’? (wink)

TRUMP: What, are you flirting with me? (she winks) You’re fired! (Palin off) And so that leaves you two. Obama, why should I fire McCain and not you?

OBAMA: Ahhhh, well A, he hasn’t sold any more elephants than I’ve sold donkeys; B, his elephant doesn’t even look like an elephant. C, he’s really a donkey-maker in disguise, and D, his elephant is just like the last elephant, it’s just the same elephant.

TRUMP: Fine. McCain, why should I fire Obama and not you?

McCAIN: I think you should fire both of us. Then wait. Wait and see which one of us comes crawling back, which one drags himself out of the gutter of defeat to come back and sell one more stuffed animal. Who’s got the guts and experience for that?

TRUMP: That’s brilliant. All except for that last part. Obama….McCain…you are both fired! The next President of the United States will be….me. I’m sick of this Apprentice gig anyway, and I just bought the White House. Literally. Good night, folks…

(Applause, music, out)

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