I am a teenager, 15 yrs, and I have for 10 years been depressed. For the last for 4-6 years I've been wanting to die. For at least 2 years I've been dreaming about my death and for the last 5 months I've been catching myself make plans without dates on how to realistically do it. I have always had a bad family and by bad i mean a dad that is the perfect gentleman in front of anyone who can hurt him or his standing in the world but once the threat is gone he's an abusive child beater, a mom who drinks till she is in a trance-like drunken stupor and won't remember anything the next morning and is emotionally cold and is so conflicting you can't unjumble your own name. My sister is also horrible she does drugs and smokes shit she shouldn't also drinks and is apathetic and always told me before she had her 1st kid that she never wanted a child like me, that i was worthless. Funny thing though, she's made a begginer serial killer out of her first child who's six and already talking about killing anyone in her way and making sexual advances on the men in the house to get what she wants. (she's in foster care with her bro) So to start out with I was damned and although dad and sis aren't living with me anymore mom and pot-smoking step-dad are all in their own world. The only interaction between theirs and my own world is to make a fight. Not to mention at school I am very weird and can't make friends or if I do I subconscoiusly drive them away. I only had one set of friends that stuck by me for almost a year and that was last year in 9th grade, but i drove hem all away by leaving the coolest school for a sucky bitchy one. I am very smart, so don't call me a stupid emo kid who doesn't know what they mean to others. I know everyone will leave me eventually why not save myself a lil pain. Anyways... on top of a bad family I have a history of being sexually molested and abused by 4 guys for a span of 2 years when I was in second grade. The bad thing is 2 of them were in high school and the other 2 were closer to middle school age. The whole world I live in and everyone who's come around it and ever noticed it says I'm happy-go-lucky sweet girl you look to just to get some advice from and leave cuz her world is perfect and you don't want to ruin it or see the amount of perfection in it. The truth is I am never happy, nor am I ever even okay. I am not amazing nor am I wise. I just want someone to listen, I can't ask anyone near me to just listen they'll just sit there and be confused as to how it came about. But I guess I am a really great actor since no one ever sees me cry for anything but pain that they can tell is painful. I guess it's gotten unreasonably hard now that I have Fibromyalgia and can't even get real sleep or relief from physical ache and pain that follows me like fatigue and emotional exhaustion do. I write this in hope that someone, anyone will just listen and not judge me because I am mentally weak. I mean seriously who can keep in tears and smile when they are really contemplating which is better, a gun shot to the head, or an over dose of pills after leaving the house with only a note on my door saying that I hate my family and that I've eloped with my awesome boyfriend to Cali, so that they won't look for me, while talking to a person in the seat next to my own about which guy was hotter and which one was nicer. Heh, it's kinda bemusing that I hear a voice in my head that sounds like myself but is very snide and sarcastic, it's kinda like having an evil twin in your head who wants you to kill yourself so she can get all the attention and sympathy while you lay in the ground. I feel as if I will be kept alive and put into a torture chamber if i tell this to anyone around me. I've been to therapy and only let them touch the tip of my iceberg of emtions and they all called me a regular distressed teen. But as you can see I am not regular, not even close. Counsiling doesn't work and I had been put in a hospital once for it and I've never gotten better I've only suppressed it so I could get out. I often force myself into a fake world that is enjoyable since I can't find a single purpose in my life. I can only guess that this is close to the spiraling end to me. Ya know the final few outcries before it gets to be too crazy and I just snap. It's just like my favorite pastor demonstartated one day, if you have a cup and the cup is you nad as you get older you repress and keep in everything for a long time then even a small thing can throw you over. I guess right now it's closer to the analogy of the cup was 3/4ths full by 6th grade and there has been an increasing flow of distress and even though some things in the cup are like ice cubes, condensed and compact, they are melting making it fuller and fuller and soon the tap is going to go to fast and a torrent of water is going to drownd me and all the ice will melt and I will have no way to get rid of it because I have no outlet and with that massive downpour comes my ability to breathe and I will eventually die and instead of just snapping and releasing some of the stuff in the cup that tap will continue to go and everything will overflow and I will die. I've tried cutting and yet I'm too much of a pain hater to cut my way to death so it's hard to go that way. I just want to die so the pain will stop. Well thank you for listening. If anyone has gone through anything similar let me know you are out there, Please!