I might regret writing all this down here as a blog, but for now I need to.

For all my friends following and cheering me on, this is a side of me I hate so much but I am trying to work on.  I am imperfect, and trying so hard to recapture my life one centimeter step at a time.

2 hours after writing this, I feel much better and I am glad I did.  Ultimately, as I have realised since I came back semi-actively at the start of the year in SC, it is not the readers I have to face, but I have to face my own self... it is a nice image, I am liking more and more

Thanks for reading.  All my thanks for understanding and for the acceptance.





Dearest Piet & Polly,


(I am writing this addressed to you both, so it would be easier for me to put the words down)


This is what I meant, dear Polly, when I wrote:


I had a most embarassing (one of the many in my life!!!) moments this morning, not to mention heart aching, gut wrenching experience :( .


My deares Piet, my darling, I know you would not like me to write how weak I see myself, or how stupid I feel a lot of times, or that I am not a good mom, I wish I could be.


I love you for always believing in me, for always listening with patience and understanding. You don´t don´t know how much it strenghtens me just to be able to speak out all my thoughts and at the end, read or hear this words from you: I love you.


Last night, I could not sleep. I was feeling unsettled. Contrary to what I usually do, which is overthink, to the point of paralysis, I tried to continue using creative theraphy to distract myself.


It was not until around 4 am that my mind was exhausted enough to finally shut down. But alas, the little one woke up, I could only guess bothered by the four teeth penetrating her gums. And it was a little after 5 am that I finally could succumb to sleep An hour later my alarm went off. I turned it off, and closed my eyes, telling myself I only need 5 more minutes. Well, you know what happens with that scenario.


Eldest (aka Sunflower) woke up with panicky eyes, as she came into the bedroom at 7.40 am.

There is a long background here, that I will skip for now... or perhaps get into it at the end when I have written what lays heavy on my heart (you know all about it my love). Suffice it to say, I don´t stress much about it like I use to to the point that I break down emotionally, and listened to the advice of my girlfriends.

I told her, relax, you will miss one class but not the entire day.

I called the school bus driver (side note here: he is a wonderful man, who belongs to our community church, and who has confided in me in one of our morning quick chats that his wife suffers agoraphobia too...) that the girls would be coming to school again..


They did not go to school Thursday because eldest was not feeling well - every year at this time we go through a perios of viral infection, it has become less and less, as they get older, thank goodness! Middle daughter (aka Rosie) also wanted to remain home, and because Friday was Germany´s reunification and a holiday, I decided for them to both stay home to have a long weekend to recuperate.


So when I called the busdriver this morning, I asked if eldest could also ride with the bus.  He said yes (in hindsight, I think, he was distracted being a bit older and hard of hearing :( ).  I must add, eldest officially rides home every day with the school bus.  In the morning, she needs to be 45 minutes earlier at school than middle daughter, who is picked up by the bus.


When the bus finally came, there was no seat available for eldest.  Mr U took her school bag anyway and told her to go back up to our flat, and he will come back for her.


I always look out of the window whenever I cannot bring middle daughter down because of the little one.


I was panicking again because of the time, but I tried to relax knowing from previous experiences that it does NOT pay to stress.  We all end up having stomach aches and at the end of the day (or in the broad general sense), it is so minor.


I am already feeling better writing this down, but I will continue so not to let you hang.  Thank you so far for bearing with me.  It might be menial for a random reader but this means a lot to me.


I was relieved at this point because :


we did not rush like lunatics just to be on time but the girls still manage to go to school, when we all are still recovering from virus infection, and if not for the fact that it is only one week until the school´s autumn break, I would like them to stay a day more at home...


they both had warm tea and a little something in their tummies (I hate them not having any breakfast, even if they say they are not hungry i would like them to at least drink something warm before going out) before they left for school


their hair were neatlybraided (I like knowing their hair is out of the way during a long day at school) and they had clothes on that they chose from the night before (this has been an issue that I am thankful a bit resolved now... not always but most of the time!).


I was just admiring eldest healthy face, glowing eyes, and bouncy body, when the phone rang (did I tell you my abhorannce towards the telephone?).  I did not want to pick it up but I did (yay for me!!! gah :( ).


It was the school secretary.  I have "known" her for 5 years now.  I still remember her, registering eldest to kindergarden.  She is the soul of the school.  We have often exchange warm talks (perhaps you could say small talk, but I would like to call them warm talks).

A background...

I have been active, and hands on with the lives of my children from the beginning but due to my recurring manic-depression it has been a challenge to be consistently there.  I am grateful that as early as eldest kindergarden years, I met women who rallied behind me, held me literally through the 5 difficult years.


The last 3 years, have been a struggle.  The last 2 years excruciatingly painful.  I have survived them though (this is painful to write, I am only glad little one is sleeping that I could write this finally, finally start writing about this).


The last two years, still husband, has finally taken some responsibilities (this is awkward part that I hope you will forgive if I seem inconsistent...) towards the girls.  He became more and more the face at school because my depression was debilitating  to the point that I could only do the most basic nurturing for the girls.


I have been pro-active, that I forsaken pride, and informed those who are concerned at school (if I remember it right, also the school secretary Mrs P) just for preventive measures.  If they are aware of my situation, then they would be more understanding I hope.  This is one reason that eldest could ride the school bus beyond first grade (they have changed this ruling, now children could in exceptional situation ride the bus until 3rd grade, and in our case eldest could go home with the bus in her fourth and last year at school).


Now back to the call (I am grateful to you for reading thus far!) that I dreaded to take.  It was the school secretary.

PBW: Good morning, Mrs... on the line.

Mrs P: Mrs ... this is Mrs P.,  Mr U picked up Rosie, and suddenly Sunflower was there too.  There is of course no seat for her, and she has to be at school at 7.55.  Where is Sunflower now?

(ever since the school bus has been picking up the girls 3 years now, there are empty seats available from time to time, that even children from our neighbourhood that goes to St. A school asks Mr U spontaneously if they could ride along.  Eldest rode once weeks ago, and missed one class too because she could not be awaken.)

PBW: She is still here.

(remember? Mr U told her to go up, and he will come back for her.  I wanted to tell Mrs P, that we were sick but she would have asked how come I did not manage to call Thursday - which so far I have been managing, to my heart´s delight).

Mrs P:I am sending Mr U now as an exception.

(the whole time, eldest was looking disgusted at me, and even uttered: now, see because of you I am getting the heat at school!)

PBW: Thank you.


I tried to be calm, although I wanted to cry so badly.

I told eldest, I am sorry for this embarassing situation.  I am sorry that this happened but let us moved on and learn from this.

I tried to use the situation to remind her:

of classmates in her class that also missed an hour or half the day for varied reasons, which is better than missing the entire day.  I told her before that it is not productive to compare but in cases when you think, you committed a blunder it is wise to see that we are not alone in such situations...

of my constant nagging to please retire early and not delay going to bed

I told her we would now resume using 2 alarm clocks (oh I just remember how her bestfriend´s mom, who picked her up the entire school year last year, also slept through two alarm clocks!) from now on because I am only human, and need all the help I can get and not only be blamed.


I know, some random reader might say, "Get over it, why don´t you!"


For me, shopping groceries for us, and cooking special meals for the girls are an achievement for me at this point in my life.

If I can daily step outside of my safety zone, it is my life´s adventure at this point in my life.

In another lifetime, which seem so far away from where I am now, I travelled from Asia, to Arab countries and all over Europe.  Now, if I can step out of the door of our home, I am thankful.

It may sound ridiculous to react emotionally from a simple call, and now that I have written everything out, I have relativized the situation to my emotional relief.

Still, I cannot get over (yet) the pain I feel to see the disgust in my daughter´s eyes.

She turned 9 yesterday...


The song and lyrics below are for me to rest my weary heart to . . .