It has been five days since I've spoken with Jack, and six days since I've seen him. I went into Wal-Mart this afternoon to pick up a few things, hoping I might just run into him. A close friend of mine, who works at the local Wal-Mart, had mentioned that he had seen Jack in there with another woman one day this past week. I kind of played the scene in my head - "How have you been," asks Jack. In which I would reply with "What the fuck do you care" (in bitch tone level 10, 10 being highest) and casually stroll off down the nearest aisle. But, of course I didn't see him and probably will only run into him when I'm least expecting it, get caught off guard, and think of nothing 'clever' to say to him.

At first I felt that I deserved some kind of explanation (everyone else seemed to think the same). But the more I ponder it, what am I expecting an explanation for? I let myself be set up for a let down, put my heart right out there in the wide open. Once again, I actually allowed myself to become intimately and emotionally involved with a man I met online, actually expecting that I could truley make him happy and he'd have no desire or need to chat with any other women online. Well, I guess the joke is on me...again. I tried not to let his chatting sessions with other women bother me. I don't like to think of myself as a jealous girlfriend, but I've always had very low self esteem. I guess I was just thinking that maybe there was a small portion of sexual desire he had that I couldn't satisfy for him and could be cured by some form of cybersex - reminding myself that as long as he was in my bed at night, I had nothing to worry about. Well, so much for that theory, because I honestly believe that he has met someone else online who lives nearby. If that's the case, it will only be amatter of time before that awkward public reunion. Oh well, there's no sense in dwelling on it, just wait for the opportunity to strike and pray that I can keep myself strong and let him have it with both barrels. I just really wish he knew what I have been going through the last few days...emotionally, and I hope that I can walk away from this with a lesson well learned.

I was very open with him about all of my doubts at the start of our relationship. I told him that I didn't want to just be a pit stop on his way to the finish line (a little Nascar pun). He said I wasn't. I told him that I didn't want to be set up for another let down. He said he would never let me down. I told him that someday I'd like to truley know what it felt like to be someone's everything. He said I was his everything. Man, was I a fool.