Caving

I am here alone.

Alone in my home.

Once my safe haven

Once my place to freely roam

my mind, my body, my feelings

where ever they wanted

within these walls and under these ceilings.

Smiles and memories in frames

Painted windy roads escape me to my dreams

Feet up, head back, eyes closed

Tori Amos tearing at my seams

Tears of why and how could you

I was little, I was naïve

Forgiving, healing

what he did to me eve after eve.

This place was peace and inviting

Safe and secure to be free

Create, dance, attempt the flying crow

Being me…

    my love

       my pain

           my silliness

                my misery.

A monster visited one night

6 foot 3, light eyes, with a gun

Disgracing the badge he displayed

My heart and soul undone

Begging and Begging

Wanting to run, to scream…

….to live

     ….to die

Praying it was all a bad dream.

Kravitz, Urban, and my favorite tunes

Are now absent from my ears

Obsessively aware of the noises out there

Evil Creature, you brought out horrible fears

Tearing away the trust I have learned

To build up over these long past years.

The painted roads fade from my view

Trembling to my bones

Wondering if someone is watching

Am I really alone?

Fearful tears

Fall to my shoulder bone.

A tazor at my side

Barricades and bright lights

Planning for a place to hide

Wishing to be taken away by a magic kite

To a place that was safe

To a place that I once had before

My safe haven, my favorite place to be alone

My healing zone, my place to soar.

This roof feels like it is caving

My walls no longer feel tall

No more safe haven

In my home

When I am all alone

Now where can I now safely roam?

Copyrighted by me.....

I wrote this poem after I was sexually assaulted by a cop in my own home in my very recent past. It is how felt for a few weeks after and still feel at times. However, my strength is coming out by my desire to no longer be silent about abuse. In my life, as you may gather by the following lines, I was abused as a child as well:

"Tears of why and how could you

I was little, I was naïve

Forgiving, healing

what he did to me eve after eve."

However, I never told anyone that could do anything to really help me as a child. As I became an adult, I worked on healing myself and learned to forgive those in my childhood that abused me. Now, as an adult, I am faced with yet another situation when another man of authority that abused me and it brought everything that happened as a little girl to the front of my mind. I can no longer be silent. I must let people know what goes on as sexual abuse should not a hush, hush matter anymore. Hopefully, encourage others that it is safe to speak out. Speaking out is healing. There are many people out there to help. So, this is my start of speaking out. I am working on creating a non-profit and writing a book to encourage women and men to open up and speak out about their abuse as well.

Peace, Me