I have felt the need to write true things for a while now. But the act of doing it publicly changes it entirely. Suddenly I am thinking about the audience, not just wallowing in my own despair, but I am like that. It's part of my trauma that my mind is always imagining the experiences and thoughts of others. It makes me self-conscious and it makes it hard to act, because I always think I know what others think and feel. I am very perceptive, but that does not mean I can't be very wrong. And acting while under the assumption that I know what others think and feel can induce tons of trauma. Is this too vague? I want to tell my story. I have been telling my story, in pieces, for years. I am not sure it is healthy to do this. I just make the trauma deeper. I think I appear (in this world) to be normal to other people, even privileged or lucky. But my mind is trying to kill me. I think I have been through so much unlucky crap that I believe the world to be a certain way, that is my outlook, and the world obliges by confirming this outlook to me. It is no coincidence that the most unlucky people (homeless, serial abusive-people daters, addicts) often already sustained more than their share of unlucky life episodes. Anyway, I am trying to work this all out. I feel like I just barely pass in the world every day. I am even discounted by others (in my mind) for being a lucky and ungrateful person. With all the sharing of trauma in our society, I can't any longer tell if what I have been through is extraordinary, or just more wallowing, something I should keep to myself. I am normally somebody with no boundaries, inclined to tell anybody anything. But I think my stories are pretty extreme- things that most people can't relate to.