okay first of all before ranting... there is a soulcaster in here who thinks i ask for sympathy  when i rant...

guess what asshole... i do!!!

and nothing wrong with that because i'm asking for sympathy from my real friends here. and not just sympathy but advices and understanding as well...

soulcast has been part of my life. through my ups and down... so i dont care what you think...

this is me...

i'm the queen of paranoia... deal with it... and fuck off... if you dont want read another rant.. then dont...

moving on... the real rant...

i cried today... alone of course... i have no one to talk to... my friends have life... i dont... so i dont wanna disturb them...

had a fight with mother... it started yesterday... after having a wonderful morning... she ruined it...

we argue because she said she wanted to send the oven to iloilo...

did i forgot to mention we have an oven now? i was so excited when we got it... eventhough it was just a second hand oven.... at least i have an oven now...i can practice my baking skills... but it's still in the hardware... she wanted to repaint it...

anyway she wanna send it to iloilo... wtf?!??!?!? why?

she wanna send it to her friend who is gonna use to for business...

a business that she will not get profit from... you see my mother is a good person... ready to help othee people out of the goodness ofher heart... (can anybody seemy sarcasm????)

what the fuck about me????

i have been bugging them to have a fucking oven... if i werent fired from the fucking job that was the first thing i would buy....

 and then i told her... what the do you want me to do??? be another call center agent??? i dont want that job...

end of fight one...

last night was another fight...

she wants s to pray the rosary.. nothing wrong with that... my mother is religious... were catholics... eventhough my father does not believe in the church...

i told her i dont want to... because last night i dont feel like praying the rosary...

i'm sorry if offend anyone here. but that's me... i dont pray if i dont feel like it... i think it's more disrespectful to pray when youre praying like youre just saying words and there's no meaning in it... just repeating words and not meaning it...

when i pray i mean it... and at that moment last night i was pissed at my mother... i dont feel like praying...

and you know what she said.. well just do it for me... do it cuz i said so...

ummm so okay... you told me to pray not because i want to praise God or to pray to God... but because you said so?

i'm sorry but i dont believe in that...

i told her i have my own reasons for not doing that...

now she's mad at me because she thinks i'm going to hell...

my mother is a hardcore catholic...

but theproblem is... i have my own beliefs... i believe in God... but in my own way...

now shes not speaking to me.... ignoring me actually...

and who's the one affected now...

me...

you know why?

because i realize i can never be the person she wanted me to be...

i'm not perfect...

i'm a loser... a fat loser as they always tell me...

i know this day would come... well i always know this but i guess i was ignoring it...

the truth...

the truth is they are disappointed at me because i'm not perfect... that i quit school.... now that i lose my fricking job...

that i didnt do what they wanted me to do...

instead i followed my heart...

instead i listened to me and no one else...

that in the first time in my life i become selfish...

is that selfish?

is it wrong to want or to do something you want?

is it wrong for not being perfect?

you see growing up they have this perfect sense of what i'm going to be...

i'm the smart one... my broter was the blacksheep...

i was the one who will be successful in the family... their idea of success...

and now that i mess it all up i feel like they dont care about me anymore...

especially my mother...

she has this idea of what i am supposed to be...

growing up she always compare to me anyone who she think that better than me... did i ever told anyone here that not once in my life she never told me i'm beautiful???

i hate this...

i hate that i feel like i need to prove something to her just to make her proud of me...

i admit... i'm not a perfect daughter... i talked back at them... i'm bitchy sometimes... i had tantrums... but hey that's me... i'm not give nay excuse for that.... although i admit it's wrong...

but why oh why would you give up on me???

why would you think i'm gonna be a loser???

because for now that's what i feel...

and you know what hurts???

i love my mother without a reason... i just love her because she's my mother.

but i feel like in order for her to love me i have to give something... that i have to be perfect...

but i thought love should never have a reason...

i'm so jealous to my older brother right now...

he's the blacksheep of the family... he did much worse than me that i can't blog it out.. my father has thrown him out of the house already.... (but he still works and live in the hardware store)

but she cares more to him.... she doesnt ignore him... well she tried but she gave in in the end... she tries so hard to win his love...

yet me... she ignores me...

she ignores me now...

because she knows that whatever happens i wont hate her like my brother did...

that sucks for me...

and she knows that if there's a problem even when we shout at each other i would rather that we talked it out than do the most immature thing of ignoring me...

i'm a blunt person...  want it to say it to me straight... i can handle that...

but now she's giving up on me and decided to ignore me...

well guess what...

i'm tired...

i'm tired of trying to be perfect for her... i'm tired for trying to be the god fucking daughter... i'm tired of trying to be perfect when i know i'm not...

i'm sorry i can't be perfect...

i know you guys all wanna say...

tell her... tell your mother...

guess what... i already did a lot of times... is it my fault that she wont listen to me?

you know she's not a bad person as it seems... my motehr is a good person...

she always gives us what we want... but not what we need... sometimes i feel like she prioritize her friends more than her own family...

soemtimes i wish i have a different mother... yeah i know i sound ungrateful... but if you were in my situation you'll feel the same too...

it's always a unending battle for her... and she always wants to win...

well guess what... i give up... win the fucking war... i dont fucking care...

this remind me of a song...

perfect by simple plan...

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

it sums it all up what i feel inside today...

thanks for reading my rant today... no need for advice if you dont want to... i just want someone to listen to me...