Sigh...sometimes I almost wish I had not re-connected with K.  OK, that's not true...because I feel so lucky to have him in my life.  But I miss him so much, and my situation doesn't allow me to be with him.  Please note, I didn't say our situations, I said my situation.  I am the one with family committments that prevents us from being together and pursuing a real relationship at this point.  He is single, able to date, and that makes me feel guilty...like he could be wasting time waiting for something that may or may not come to fruition with me.

 

We often pretend that the distance is a major factor in our not being together, which has to be denial at its best.  We both have good jobs and the means to travel to each other, but my fear of causing pain to my husband (despite the pain that he is not afraid to cause me) is so great, that I am frozen in place, although K and I are growing closer emotionally.  I am nervous, because I have been in love with him in the past, and know that we are headed the same way again.

 

Additionally, in re-connecting, it has come to light that we are both very much interested in exploring a D/s relationship together.  He is being careful to make sure that I feel safe each step of the way, and that I am comfortable with where we are taking things.  We have addressed the dynamics of our relationship, but I have concerns.

 

My husband has very controlling tendencies, and I find myself fighting daily to maintain healthy connections that I have with friends and family members, despite his best efforts to drive them away.  He has a talent for making things so uncomfortable that people stop coming around, and I am left with only him to turn to.  My hatred for his behavior has made me a little bit wary of my desires for my relationship with K, but K's concern for me and the fact that his dominance is of the caring, secure variety makes me feel safe about it.

 

My feeling is that I do desire a dominant partner who takes the responsibility seriously to make me feel safe, as well as pursuing D/s play.  I have had moments of concern that I am turning to K simply because of my rocky marriage, but in the end, I know that we are extremely compatible, and he is able to treat me as an equal when that's what I need...

 

I wish I could skip all of this, and fast forward to the next chapter.  But I guess then I wouldn't really appreciate any outcome, would I?