What's my higher truth? When everything else falls away - what is my dharma?
Is my identity so ingrained in my profession that I would actually lose myself if my focus were to change? I've already made a huge change from administration and business management to patient care and teaching, and aside from losing my huge salary, what I found was a tremendous amount of authentic fulfillment and happiness that salary could never seem to bring. Listen, money is important - I am not some pollyana who thinks we should all live on air and positive thinking - but what I have found is that as long as the bills are covered and there's enough to share with family and friends, the rest only seemed to bring pressure.
That was my very first thought when Taran shared his dream of living 6 months here and 6 months in India - I would sacrifice my job, and with it, my identity - but is that who I really am?
Last night, I confessed my fear of dependence to him. I projected that in India, I would be very much at Taran's mercy. Without a job, I would be reliant on him financially. He is the only person I know in India, so I would have no social outlet. I can only imagine that his home is a wonderful place because of the way his face glows and his voice softens when he speaks of it, but I have never been there, so in essence, I would be making promises based on the unknown.
His response to me only magnified how much I love him, and how this relationship is so different from my past experiences. He told me that he was dreaming aloud when he shared those thoughts. It is his habit to speak in absolutes when dreaming - but they were thoughts, not plans. I put limits on our communications by assuming it had already been decided and my input was not needed or welcome. Taran shut down because he was taken back by my hostility and resistance.
So, after about 5 hours of very deep listening and communication - dreams have been shared, fears expressed, and the future left wide open, as it should. T will be here by Dec 1st. He has resumed the lease on his apartment in the city (it has been sublet in his absence), and we will see what time will bring. By the end of June, my teaching contract will expire, and before I sign for September, I will go with T and visit Delhi. This is something I have always wanted to do, even before he and I met.
There is a world of possibilities. When I started meditating, my whole life opened in terms of its potential. T asked if I might like to be trained to teach meditation to others. Talk about fulfillment! It could be a component of his ayurvedic seminars, if I would like, or it could stand alone. We shall see ...
We also talked about living here in NY for the academic year with summers in Delhi - very workable. There is such a need in the west to become more aware of holistic health, and so, a demand exists for T's knowledge. I had been thinking of getting more training in this area to augment my skills in myofascial release and soft tissue work - maybe a wellness center is in our future?
During my weekend of introspection where I gathered my thoughts and feelings so that I would be able to communicate peacefully with T, only one thing seemed absolute. I do not want to lose him. It seems ironic that this whole situation aroused such fear of losing my identity when our whole relationship evolved from the sense of freedom I feel in being with this man. I have never felt so empowered to share my fears as well as my happiness. Our deep conversations allow me to feel understood and appreciated. I doubted it because it seems too good to be true. Somehow, I thought this had changed, and I immediately became defensive. Thank God he and I were able to uncover the misunderstandings and move forward. Of course, that will probably bring more fear down the road - LOL - because now I love him even more than I did before!
Every morning, as I meditate, I ask the universe - what's my dharma? Maybe I need to spend less time cowering in fear and more time listening to the answers.
