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Copyright © 2008 Steve Games First serial rights released to SoulCast. Photos, graphics, contents and characters may not be replicated for use outside SoulCast or commercial use in the open market or on other websites without express permission of the author. All rights reserved.

The small print is a real questionnaire sent out by an employer. In bold are my responses. BTW - I requested this form twice, and the guy told me "I sent you this last week" when he really had not.

      We believe in the saying, “Good sale people are not found, they are STOLEN by a better gig.” If this is true, how do we find YOU (such a great sales person) looking for work?

Good copy editors apparently are neither found nor stolen by your company (see typo above) unless we’re only expected to make one sale. If, however, we go with the premise, you can rest assured that there are plenty of LLCs that would love to have me back or calling for them right now, but I’m tired of clients not getting their investment dreams fulfilled. And now you’ve got me wondering. Do you believe in the saying “The best jobs are found by word of mouth?” If so, why do you have any openings?

Where do you live? How far do you live from Brentwood (zip 90049)?

       90046

What are your MINIMUM income requirements?

      For your job? The price is going up. Let’s start with 200k the first year or I’ll chalk it up to inadequate training.

What year, make and model of car do you drive? Describe your current driving record.

I drive all kinds of makes and models and cars made in any year, I seem to be completely qualified for that. Strange question, though you probably meant to ask what I owned, also a strange question. Economic profiling? My current driving record is clean except for a couple of suspensions over the years because of tickets. No revocations, no DUIs, no accidents caused by me.

We do random drug testing at NTR. Is this a problem for you?

Philosophically, yes. Where’s the heavy equipment? If it’s a religious thing, cancel me now. As far as drugs go, the only thing I like is pot. I’ll test positive for marijuana, because I like to get high on weekends and it stays in your system a looooooong time. Is that a problem for you?

What is the most money you’ve ever made? Best year? Best month?

You first. Otherwise I’ll have to explain why your former superior is now applying for your sales job, and I only do that in the person-to-person portion of our program.

Describe your basic I.T. knowledge and background. What computer do you own/have worked on? What programs are you knowledgeable in/expert in? What database programs have you worked with?

I’m no geek but I’ve got a grasp of Microsoft Word in its variations and I’ve used databases since the early Lotus days. I taught myself how to use a video toaster, to the astonishment of all. I’ve never met a program I couldn’t learn in a day. I use an emachine computer or my Apple laptop.

What do you see yourself doing in 3 years? 5 years? 10 years?

In 3 years I’ll be at my cabin in the mountains finishing the sequel to my new novel. In 5 years I’ll still be there but wrapping up the 3rd installment. In 10 years the first movie deals should have been negotiated and I may be back in Hollywood, depends.

What industry are you REALLY, TRULY looking to work in? What is “the dream?” What is your passion? What profession JUICES you up?

People would say it’s writing. But they all tell me I should be a stand-up comic. Maybe that’s why I’m a good phone salesman.

Describe a situation where you were either fired from a job (or almost fired from a job). What were the reasons? What did you learn?

Many years ago I was managing two bookstores in Crystal City, Virginia, a main shopping mall near the Pentagon. More and more the owner of the two stores came to rely on me for hiring, training, buying, event coordination and displays. He’d constantly ask for new ideas to improve business, but never allowed the implementation of any new ideas out forth, month after month, either from myself or from others. Finally at one meeting, after 18 months working with him, I said “Alex, why do you keep asking for ideas? You never use them.” He called me the next weekend and said he’d have to let me go for lack of respect. I learned that I could collect unemployment for awhile.

What set or combination of skills makes you better/more valuable than our next candidate?

I’m better at bragging and pumping up my credentials than anyone I set my sights on. I scored right down the middle on the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test and my I.Q. is 130 on a bad day. That means that in a room of 100 people, only a couple will be smarter than me, and odds are I’m sexier.

What is your availability to start working for NTR?

After seeing this form, I’ll need to run a background check just to make sure that you guys aren’t Scientologists. If not, immediately.

Would you be able to work EARLY (6am to 3pm) if needed?

Be able to? Yes. Able. But not real happy.

Describe your fashion sense and tastes.

Okay, look, I’m a straight man. Is this a trick question? If you want, I’ll let my girlfriend answer this one.

Have you ever worked for attorneys in the past? If yes, describe.

No, but I married one, divorced one, and have performed in community theatre with dozens upon dozens, not to mention having partied heavily with the Georgetown Law School crowd and the folks at Hunton Williams. I can deal with them.

Do you have any scheduled items on your personal agenda that would take you away from work for an extended period of time within the next 12 months (wedding, family reunion, vacation, etc)?

Every other weekend is for my son, and nothing intrudes on that. As well, I take an occasional Thursday (rare) for visitation to the city where he’s going to school. Nothing else planned for an extended period.

Our entry level sales staff will earn on average $75k their first year, but only $4k a month for their first 3-4 months. Is this a problem?

The amount is not a problem, but why does it take so long to get up to speed? Three-to-four months is a long learning period, if that’s the situation. Are commissions withheld during the first months?

**MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION** What is you WORST quality? Give us an attribute you would CHANGE IF YOU COULD. NO B.S. ANSWERS (don’t disguise a good quality – like “working too hard”)! This answer is the “make or break” answer. Be honest!

Assumption is what I would change, because impressions lead me down the road of assumptions, most of which are probably inaccurate. Example: When people make definitive statements like “I sent you this last week” and I know they’re incorrect, I can’t resist trying to get them to admit that they’re wrong, and then I start to assume that they’re arrogant and probably get a lot of other things wrong too, and are probably intolerant of the mistakes of others. In truth they might just be short on time, having a bad day and are otherwise great people. Other than that (since this is such a deal breaker I’m giving you two options) it’s my ego. I have a huge ego. I like myself, and I would change circumstances but not myself. It’s good being me. I’ve never wanted to be anyone else. Isn't that irritating?

As John Lennon said near the end of the film Let It Be, “Thank you, and I hope we passed the audition.”

- Think I'll get the interview? - OO -