I think it was Einstein that said "Everything is relative". I was talking to two ladies this morning on MSN Instant messenger. One was in Oregon and 8 hours behind me - she put her web cam on - it was still dark and I was thinking about preparing lunch. My Internet friend in Australia on the other hand was 8 hours ahead and it was Friday evening. I always remember Australia ia ahead of England. On New Year in the Year 2000 they were the first to set off their fireworks! I was expecting the world to come to an end when the millenium bug stuck all the computers. I found a thing - a sort of archive of all the web pages on the Internet going back years - you can search for stuff from the pre-2000 panic about the date changing on computers.

I got some criticism last night for chatting to a young girl on the Internet. She was 8000 miles away and 8 hours behind too. I thought she was one of these over-sexed teenage girls looking for a boyfriend on the Internet. She kept disappearing and coming back again using a different user name. She said that she had sent me an email. I haven't had one. But at that age maybe just as well she didn't email me! I think she was 17 years old; still a school girl anyway. Telling me knock - knock jokes - but I suppose it helps keep me young.

I got hit by a new computer virus. I thought it was the Internet. It opens a port on your computer and then some nerd disables your email, instant messenging and then your anti-virus. But I got an online scan and fixed the problem. I sent an email to my friends around the world warning them and advising what to do.

While I'm in the mood for quotes, I think it was Andy Warholl who said we would all have our 15 minutes of fame. I don't want it! but you can become famous or infamous on the Internet. You basically build a prescence on the Internet. Type my user name in to Google or Yahoo and more references to me come up that to someone who is supposed to be famous. I'm not sure about infamous!

If I type Dick Turpin in to Google will it know anything? Bots on IRC are incredibly stupid. You get stuff like (censored) Turpin was a famous highwayman in England a few hundred years ago. (censored) Cheney is an American politician. Someone on Yahoo Answers asked what the capital of england was. I answered E for England of course - the capital city being London! A famous saying in England is "The law is an (censored)". An ass of course is a cross between a donkey and a horse or a stupid fellow; but American bots have a whole different view of things. In the movie Goldfinger. Honor Blackman played Pussy Galore, which went down well with Americans. They thought that name was of course really funny. They should teach the IRC bots the difference between words that start with upper case and are names and words that start with lower case. Otherwise, it will only be time before a bot censors "The US president is named George W (censored)". I have a slight dislike for Microsoft and so tend to call it's founder little Willy Gates. American's have a thing about the size of things, especially their cars. Strange, but American's use some very old Anglo-Saxon obscenities and seem totally oblivious to what they mean. But we get that in England. We get women who use language that is offensive to women using that language, because they are ignorant to it's meaning. Then they phone up and complain about a couple of gollywogs in a shop window and say they offend black people!

Personally, I use colourful language. But hopefully, I'm not offensive - certainly i don't mean to offend anyone - just shock them occasionally! I mainly swear at inanimate objects; mainly computers. I swear at it when it doesn't work the way it is supposed to. Of course I swear at people on TV, that is normal behaviour; especially swearing at politicians. Calling a politician a prat, isn't racist regardless of nationality - it's a global truth.

Someone, on TV just mentioned a young lady being into older men because they are like father figures. I think I get that a lot on the Internet. I find young ladies talking to me and often valuing my opinion and wanting someone to care. They don't really care how old I am - I'm usually 8,000 miles away. It's sort of irrelevant that I'm older in some ways. But they can relate to me better than guys their own age - who tend to talk bollox most of the time. One thing I've learned about people the world over from chatting to people on the Internet - most of them are unloved and lonely. The younger they are - the worse it seems to me. I think all children deserve to be loved, it seems very few actually are. That makes them vunerable and the Internet a dangerous place for them.

In England we have "sweet shops". In the USA they have "candy stores". I mention that because I'm eating sweets made from sugar flavoured with oil from a herb. The recipe is over 150 years old; so no artificial crap. We have fish and chips shops in England. Americans have fast food places like McDonalds and call those thing chips, fries. I must admit however, I can understand what most Americans say and Canadians speak very clearly. Much easier to understand than many accents in the UK. Especially, some Scots! Americans and Canadians do very well in the media, on TV, if they come to the UK. On radio too. They appear to be able to talk complete crap with absolute confidence - that's a great advantage when you're trying to sell something - even if it is just an idea. People tend to trust strangers more than the people they know, even their own families. I remember a woman with a nice clear English accent and bags of confidence who went to Australia and made a fortune presenting a shopping channel.

I heard something the other day about what would happen if you put a load of criminals on an island and went back 50 years later - what would they say? the answer was of course "G'day mate". That is a joke in case anyone down under is feeling in a sensitive mood - a joke - no worries....

I'm trying to think of something to say about sex, so I can use the word as a tag! it will make this blog more likely to be read. People think we English are cold - not true. But we are very private I think. A private conversation is a conversation between two people with no witnesses. I tend to keep such conversations private even if I'm not asked to. Private exchanges of feelings are the same. Is sex a private exchange of emotions? I think so, but maybe I'm not typical of the English - I don't know. but generally, people talk about sex, but not with a loved one. That is universally seen as a betrayal of trust - it appears that way. People who do keep that trust however are often accused of being prudish. Touch is very iimportant when showing your emotions, even just holding hands. We close our eyes to block out one of our senses to kiss and make that kiss more sensual and the music playing can sometimes appear to stop - other times it stays in our minds to remind us of that sensual moment. I suppose we should kiss wearing a blindfold and earplugs..............