• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 29, 2008....

  
  A belated welcome to SC, dear SlickNick!
  
  I subscribed to your blog as you joined, wanting to follow your journey here in SC.  I have not had time to comment before.
  
  I hope I could leave words of wisdom, or say words that would magically help you.  Alas, I could only offer simple friendship, and a promise that I would be here cheering you (at times silently) on while you try to find yourself through life... as all those before me has done through leaving their comments.
  
  I don´t think you are a mess.  And I think you are already doing well at the "finding yourself" deal... You found SoulCast, and writing down your reflections about life... this is it... you are already doing it... sharing yourself, reflecting, and forging on, in the process getting to know yourself better, your wants, needs and your dreams.
  
  I read through your blogs.  I see a man trying to find his way, and actively getting his life on a steady course of improvement.
  
  I wish I could write more, but RL is calling.  I just wanted you to know, I read your words, and I feel so much hope and so much potential in you.  Don´t give up on forging on.  Life is all about the struggles, and the triumphs of one day at a time.  Celebrate small triumphs , rejoice over small things.  This is how we eventually reach fulfillment.
  
  I hope my words will not come across as empty ones.  I believe you will make it, just being here, writing about yourself, your wish and hopes are actions of someone who is actively working on making his dreams a reality.... one step at a time.
  
  Warmest regards,
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• SlickNick said on Sep 29, 2008....

  Hey paper,
                       Your words do not fall on deaf ears. It is much appreciated and it makes me feel hope when people write such kind words about me. I don't think very highly of myself. I get so discouraged with myself when I don't do something right. I get angry and lose my temper. What people don't know is that I really do try and I try with everything I have. I guess that's what makes failing all the more painful for me.
                        I am trying so hard right now to make things "right" for me, whatever that means... I just want pride, a roof over my head, a decent job, and someone who loves me. Really, that's it. I don't need a ton of money, or fame, or fancy things. Just basic things that most people take for granted. These things come so natural to other people. For me they seem lightyears away. (Ok off topic for a sec. I added like two things in my sentence "I just want pride, a roof over my head, a decent job, and someone who loves me." It just reminded me of the movie "The Jerk" with Steve Martin. The scene where he says all I need is my lamp, this chair, and my dog, but he keeps grabbing more stuff and adding to his previous statement. Sorry, that's my mind for you. It's all over the place.)
                       Anyways as I was saying, my point is that I'm not sure why these things seem so impossible to me. Just to talk to a strange and beautiful woman seems impossible to me. What would I say? What should I talk about? Even when I think I've worked up the nerve, I talk myself out of it at the last minute. Sometimes I think that my life is a William Shakespeare Tragedy. But knowing the infinite dork I am, I might want to edit that into a William Shatner Tragedy.

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Sep 29, 2008....

  
  LOL!
  
  I had to laugh over the the last two sentences! :D
  
  Hey, see there is nothing to it... I was a stranger before, I liked your words, and now you made me laugh... maybe consider a woman as a friend first and nothing more?  It might help you relax?
  
  :)
  
  paper ~
  
  
  

• SlickNick said on Oct 02, 2008....

  Yeah, I've always felt that you should listen to your heart more than your brain. I think that I might be dead wrong though because when my wife told me that she wanted a divorce I tried so many things. I really thought everything through very hard and even if it seemed like it might be risky I went with my heart. I thought that she could not possibly be angry with me if I went with my heart...right? WRONG! She always took things the wrong way and I was in a bigger hole than I was in in the first place. She always seemed to dissect my words and make them into what she thought I meant instead of just letting them mean what they were. It is almost like if I were to write her a letter and her cutting the letters out ransom note style and making her own note with my letters. Wow that was actually a pretty good explanation. At least I think so... I just thought and hoped that she knew me better than that and that my good nature would light her path to my truth. Obviously I did not make the "right" decisions. This has lead to a immense and limitless amount of regret. You wish and dream about a time machine to go back and try so many different things. Who knows maybe there would be nothing you could do or say that would ever matter and change what happened. But to have the chance would have to set your mind at ease. Especially if you knew you tried every possible choice. Now my friends would tell you that I actually did every possible choice, because I did try... God knows I tried. But it was too little too late. I seem to always almost get there but come up short. It's like almost catching that game winning hit in the outfield and the very tip of the glove makes contact but gravity is working against you and you drop the ball that you know you could have caught. It's these hidden forces that you cannot control that effect you. Whether it be the love, the economy, death, gravity, nature, etc. So why do we take it so personally like its our own fault? I know I'm not a bad person so why do I feel like there is something wrong with me? I cannot control who a woman loves and who she does not. She is a grown woman with a mind of her own. So why do I feel like I failed her? Sorry folks, thinking deep tonight. What do you all think about this? 

• Lucytorial said on Oct 03, 2008....

  Nick, I'm gonna do this once and once only (for today!)
   
  **SLAP** right on your forehead. Its long, get focused.. okay? good, comfy? perfect.
   
  To make a decision you need to understand where you are RIGHT NOW! sit down, obviously you are a deep thinker and thats great, you want to be aware so sit down, get realxed, let you mind wonder without latching on to thoughts.. let them all just play in a field of thought and you are sitting there calm and relaxed watching them.
   
  As yourself three questions honey
   
  Where is my body right now?
  What is my heart feeling right now?
  What does my spirit/soul feel right now?
   
  Get to know yourself again, these simple little things can help to bring you back to yourself, you're lose, flying free all your energy going away from you.  Calm The Fuck Down (LOL meant with warmth)
   
  Why is it so important to make a decision right now? is there a need? or is it more appropriate to settle, heal, feel well, feel strong and calm about who you are?
   
  The only control you have in this world or any for that matter is yourself.  You and only you control your life, take charge of it, own your life, in all its glory and gory details.  Nothing can hurt as much as knowing you are not living your life for you, more than losing your wife to another man, more than being in debt, more than living with your parents.
   
  I don't know much mate but I do feel one thing is for certain, we are the only people in control of our own lives, our thoughts especially you think you create so what do you want to create?
   
  If you know where you are what you are feeling and what your soul is saying then you will know if you are meant to be here or there >>> or ^^^ or maybe even O, don't berate yourself because you don't understand, take charge young man! feel alive again everything else will follow.
   
  If it doesn't then you can come back and slap me in the forehead yourself, bring Trav he'd love to see someone do that to me.
   
  Hugs.

• SlickNick said on Oct 03, 2008....

  Lucy, I'm trying to take charge of my own life but it sometimes is not so easy to just move on. Of course I'm trying to move on and do what I need to do to take charge of my life. It's just at the end of the day when your thoughts are the most clear that I miss the way things were. I think I just miss having someone who loved me for me and all my quirks. I'm coming around slowly. I was just hurt so deeply that it might take a bit longer for me than most. I can already tell that I've gotten better than I was. I feel that this will continue until I'm somewhat back to normal. I want you to know I agree with you and I have realized that I was not living my life for me. Now I am though, but I feel kind of trapped in a way. I think I have taken the appropriate steps to take more control of my life. I recently found out I might get my old job back which would help me out a lot financially and I might be able to get my own place. I am applying for ROTC in the Navy to be an officer so I'll make more money there as well. I'm trying very hard but I live with the ghost of my ex coming to haunt me every once in awhile. Memories are very powerful things sometimes. I wonder sometimes if I'll meet anyone that will love me like my ex used to. I know I won't because everyone loves differently. I guess its just kinda sad to me is all. I am trying to buck up though so thanks for the kick in the arse. I need that from time to time. 

• Lucytorial said on Oct 03, 2008....

  Welcome! thanks for not shouting at me for being so blunt.

  I think you'll be fine, when we invest so much in an emotional relationship life does not feel normal for a long time.  This has never changed in the thousands of years humans have been interacting, its normal.

  You know, life is full of sad memories, one thing though that I hear from you is that you loved her, this you should feel good about, I know thats hard right now, you did though, you invested your love in doing so I am sure that it will be returned to you two fold by a women who sees that you are even more special than you even know.

  I'm listening to myself here too btw, I have an issue I need to deal with too so in saying what I am saying to you I hope to remind myself of how to deal with things.

  :-}

• SlickNick said on Oct 03, 2008....

  I hope you are right Lucy. I'd like to think that someone somewhere is for me and will truly see the real person I am inside. I just want someone to love me for me.
  I want to wish you luck in dealing with things. If you ever need a friendly ear you are always welcome to hit me up. 

Comment on "Decisions..."

Currently tagged	Miserable existance soulcast blogging life (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment