It’s a Sunday afternoon. I am still in my big t-shirt that functions as my pajama.
I should have gone to church but the AC guy had told me he’d come by this morning. My ex helped me blow the insulation in the attic but none of us knew that the closet where the unit is was not sealed so now my unit is clogged and has been leaking water like a fountain all last week. Of course C, the contractor came in at an ungodly hour to fix it Wednesday only to have the unit start leaking again. He called me at 9:30pm yesterday night asking if I was asleep. Is he out of his damn mind?!?!?! Yes, I am afraid he is.
It’s my birthday today. Not a single soul has called to wish me a happy birthday. Even our receptionist at work who is supposed to send everybody cards has conveniently forgotten it’s my birthday, just like she did last year. My girlfriend who knows today is my birthday went out of town for the weekend with this guy she met online. She too has not called me either.
I don’t know where I went so wrong in my life to spend this special day all alone. My family never celebrated birthdays so I am not surprised they have not called. We remember each other’s birthdays long after the day has passed. What is making me sad is that I don’t have a special someone to celebrate it with. It would have been better if I had a few close friends to hang out with but as it is, I am stuck in the house all by my sorry self.
My ex said he’d take me out to dinner. He is the last person I’d want to hang out with but he seems to be under the impression we are dating again. I haven’t tried to correct him either for selfish reasons. When he does walk out of my life, then I will truly and honestly be alone. Sometimes I even fear I’d die and rot in this house before anybody misses me. It’s a good thing I religiously go to work so I know if I did go missing three of my coworkers who know where I live would come looking for me. Then again I know if they knocked and did not get an answer they may assume I skipped town or something. And by the time they decided to come aknocking I’d be half way through rotting then. That is part of the reason why I want to get a roommate so should I die, I will not rot in the house.
This is not the life I had dreamt for me. I know a lot of people but I do not have any close friends. The ones I had left me. My therapist told me what I already knew, that I need to put myself out there, get out more, do something, volunteer. Well, I did volunteer for the Red Cross and even went for a meeting. The girl who was planning the event told me she’ll send me email and all that I need in order to get started. I haven’t heard from her since then. I even emailed her and received no response. So much for volunteering! At least Red Cross has my name and if another event does come up they’ll call me.
Will my life ever turn around? What am I doing wrong, other than of course sitting at home, alone, on a Sunday afternoon, wishing and hoping that I was entertaining friends instead??
I keep saying I’ll get off my butt and make stuff happen. At least am going back for my MBA and after that I hope to get a PhD. That will take care of the education part. The finance part makes me sad because I am not making half of what I thought I’d be making by now. Romance part has been dead since I don’t know when. Friends? I need them, I don’t have them, can’t seem to make them. Sad, aint it?
Argh!!!
Happy Birthday to me! My next birthday will be different. I promise that to myself. It will be a festive day.
