I feel very down this morning.  It seems that some days the depression is worse than others.  I feel like I want to die.  Know I have no means to an end at this point.  I am still pushing on, but hating doing so right now.  Ever feel like the weight is so heavy that you want to collapse and give up?  That is how I have been feeling ever since yesterday.  I am worried that something bad will happen.  I worry that my mother won't find a job in time and we'll end up homeless.  I would work, but my doctor doesn't think that it's a good idea.  I'm also waiting to see if I'll win this slow assed Social Security case or not.  I know that I'm not doing too well.  It's a part of my illness apparently.  I'm despaired inside.  I am better at laughing it off then I was a month or more ago, but still...............I feel it.  I hope to snap out of this without having to go into the CSU.  I know that the biggest reason that I feel like dying alot of the time is because I worry about becoming homeless.  I've been through so much that I don't think I could cope with it.  I actually don't want to cope with it.  I don't even want to cope with the thought of it.  I don't think that I'm strong enough to handle that kind of situation.  I've been through too much already.

 

Anyway, on a brighter note, I'm in the process of quitting smoking, though I don't want to.  I know that it's better for me to do so.  I also know that most of me doesn't care.  Despite that fact, I am attempting this feat.

 

I was going to go to church today, but after all of that thinking, I don't think that I want to go.  Right now, I just don't care if I am going to hell or not.  Besides, after what I read, church probably won't help me.  Then again, why was that pain allieviated while I was doing the work for the church.  I know that I felt pain while working at Taco Bell for almost the same amount of hours, minus 41 minutes.  I started feeling the pain at Taco Bell shortly after I started working there this time around.  I'm kinda peeved about it.  God doesn't care that I need the money to pay my bills and shit.  He'd rather I work in a church for food stamps, instead of me holding my own.  Is it because I'm a female or something?  I want to work, damn it.  Social Security doesn't pay enough.  I want to feel normal, despite the stupid voices and shit.  I'm definetely feeling a sort of numbing misery.  Emotionally I become numb to certain thoughts.  I have even let my therapist know that I have become numb when I think of suicide.  She said it's not good.  I guess she knows.  I need to heal without parts of my psyche being pushed aside because people don't want me to feel a certain way about someone or something.  I can't live in denial.  That only makes things worse.  It builds up a negative thoughtform or splintered personality.  Maybe that's why I keep feeling like something else is bothering me.  Maybe that's what I'm dealing with.  I have felt it enter on into me before.  It didn't feel bad.  I'm tired of having to hide me in order to protect myself.  It doesn't seem to do much good anyway.