I cannot believe this, but my mom hung up on me tonight over a stupid Fedex package! And it was all due to her overly suspicious nature!

The trouble began when I Fedexed a package overseas to them that contained vitamins (I had never had a problem with Fedex before). I should have researched first to see if vitamins were permitted, but since my brother Jack had sent them vitamins before, I figured it was okay.

I got a call at the beginning of the week from my mom, saying that someone from Fedex had called them wanting a copy of their ID to be faxed over in order to release the package. Mom was suspicious because currently overseas there are a lot of phone scams going on where con artists will call up people asking for a copy of their ID, and then commit identity theft or whatever.

Fair enough. So I call Fedex and found out that the $40 customs value I had put on the label had somehow turned into $160, with anything over $100 requiring the recipient's ID. I correct it with Fedex and hope that all is settled. My mom, even though she insisted verbally that she wasn't blaming me for the trouble, still seemed like she was indirectly blaming me for causing her this problem.

I get another call from mom the next day, where she tells me that Fedex wanted their ID again, and this time, my dad told them he would refuse the package. I call Fedex and find out that vitamins are actually not permitted to be shipped over there, but that customs was going to make an exception and release the package with proper ID. Otherwise, Fedex could ship the package back or abandon it. I ask if the recipient can change their minds and take the package, and they say yes.

I am unable to get a hold of my folks for two days because their phone keeps beeping like it's busy when I call. I finally get a hold of them tonight and explain the situation, then ask them what they want to do. Dad hands the phone to Mom. When I ask her if they would like the package, or for it to be returned to me, she refuses to give me a straight answer, and instead goes into several semi-coherent arguments about how it's Fedex's responsibility to deal with the problem, and not theirs; how if I take the package back I will be admitting that the whole thing was my fault, and not theirs. She tells me that dad gave her the phone because he didn't want to "argue" with me.

I try to persuade her, to no avail, to give me a straight answer, with the caveat that if nothing was done, that the package would be abandoned. She then launches into another diatribe about how the stuff in the package is ours, what right did Fedex have to abandon it. By this time, I am getting a little frustrated in trying to explain to her that abandonment will be the result of inaction!

It's like pulling teeth, but I finally get out of her that she is upset because she took this whole incident personally. "Why, if sending vitamins was a problem, couldn't they have told us that in the first place?" "It makes me feel like they are suspecting us of something, when we are good, upstanding citizens!" "The way they called us first for one thing, then another, is wrong and their request for ID is unreasonable!"

Bottom line, my Mom wanted the package, but she did not want to send her ID to Fedex, because she felt that it was an unreasonable request. "Your brother sends us vitamins---people send vitamins all the time with no problem, we shouldn't have to go through this!" she whined.

I keep trying to get her to make a decision to act, but she pushes back, saying, "you shouldn't push us into a decision, you know." "The way all of this was handled made us very unhappy."

In the past, I would have been majorly flailing, because being young and under their roof I couldn't say much. But, as my hubby later told me, I was extremely blunt on the phone and maybe Mom wasn't used to it.

I try to explain that I understand her suspicions, but that it's probably just a standard procedure for Fedex to call up people to let them know what they need to do to get their package. She keeps harping about how they should have sent a formal, written notice, because no one in their right mind would just fax a copy of their ID over with no proof of who the sender is.

Unfortunately, somewhere while I am trying to explain all this, I mention her suspicious nature. She jumps on that and twists it around, saying, "what?!! You're saying that I have a suspicious nature? Are you taking their side?" I say no, just that I understand her suspicions, etc. I can tell that she is hyperventilating. She's trying that old trick of guilt-tripping me by her emotions. Next thing I know, she hangs up on me.

My husband, who heard all this, shakes his head. The phone rings again, and it's my dad. In a rather resigned tone, he asks me to take the package back. "If you would just have Jack send the two bottles of perm solution, that would be great. Otherwise, don't mail us anything anymore." I cut him off and say, "at least I won't send you any vitamins anymore." He replies, "because it's so much trouble."

I just realized what conflict avoiders and "trouble"-avoiders my parents are. I think my mom had a fantasy that somehow Fedex would just give them the package with no problems, or that I would straighten it out for them without their input, but that's not how the world works! Sometimes these things happen, and it's not anyone's fault, really. You just have to deal with it. What's so hard about that?

My husband says that he's changed his mind about having my mom live with us when my dad passes. He thinks it would be better for us to take care of her from afar.

Maybe I'm tired and grumpy, or maybe I've developed more of a no-nonsense approach to things ever since I started blogging this year. But I simply don't have time to pussyfoot around and whine about why and grumble about the situation.

After 20 minutes, my dad called back. This time, he tried to give me that stern, fatherly tone, and asked me what I said to Mom to make her so upset, because she was going to be "sick." The whole time I could hear her in the background, angry, trying to tell him what to tell me. I calmly explained my side of the situation, and apologized for upsetting her, of course. But responded that she misunderstood. I insisted that I not talk to her while she was upset. He sort of hung up on me after awhile.

Then 15 minutes later, he calls back again, trying to ask again what I said to Mom to make her so upset. I tell him that I told him already. That I didn't mean to upset her but that it wasn't my fault. He tries to address my "attitude" problem. He asks if I would tell her myself that I'm sorry, because otherwise, how was I going to pick up the pieces? "At 70 years old, we shouldn't be getting upset over something our daughter said." I agree, and I ask him to tell her that I am very sorry for upsetting her, but it was all just a misunderstanding, and that I didn't do anything wrong. I was just trying to solve a problem. I ask him to let me talk to her after she has calmed down, because I am trying to put my son to bed. Thankfully, he agrees to it and the conversation ends.

I'm sure that my mom is now trying to hyper-analyze my attitude, motives, etc., and complaining to him about it. She used to do this all the time whenever I tried to have an honest conversation with her, which upset her. She would try to pull the "how could you do this to me! I'm gonna be sick," routine, just like Ray's controlling mother on "Everybody Loves Raymond."

I wonder if there are other issues of resentment going on inside her. Maybe she resents the fact that I didn't make it home in time when my dad had his heart surgery. In either case, I hate to say this, but even though she complained of Fedex being unreasonable, she was being unreasonable herself. I should have never called them. I should have known better than to try to honestly resolve something with her. She is a master at turning your words around on you and attributing motives to your words, even when you had none. No wonder my parents have no friends.