Anyone who’s reading already knows that my childhood was not the best. In addition to the home life issues I had to deal with the fact that I was unpopular at school and bullied. This all occurred in the years before anti-bullying policies were even dreamt of and I was left to fend for myself almost throughout, though my mother did try to intervene one more than one occasion.
My first memories of being bullied are from when I was six and I was teased over my glasses and poor eyesight. I have the condition called Amblyopia in addition to having both a long and short-sighted eye and have worn glasses since I was three. For years I had to attend the hospital and endured patching and drops and trying to put the parrot in the cage or the dog in the kennel as the opthalmists tried to train my lazy eye. Along with my mad hair and my already book wormish nature it made me an obvious target and by the time I was seven I had alopecia, a typical monk’s tonsure. My mother noticed it one day across the dinner table (how I had covered it up for so long escapes me) and I remember a blur of doctor’s visits and lotions and pills but I wouldn’t tell them what was wrong.
Naturally she went to the school and made a fuss and things settled down for a while but it never stopped completely and when I was nine I began to be teased persistently about being ugly and poor and wearing hand me downs and about my teeth which were far from perfect and anything else that came to their minds. I learnt never to smile in front of these people and even now I can’t believe it when I am told I have a nice smile. Then they started beating me up so I had to invent excuses for broken glasses and bruises until eventually my Mum caught me trying to jump from a bedroom window and nearly killed me anyway with her verbal tongue lashing about my selfish behaviour. And so back to school she went.
This catalogue of bullying continued on and off until we all left primary school and I had some relief as the perpetrators went to a different school so you can imagine my horror when three years later I found myself back in the same school with them.
But this time it was a little different. With everything going on at home I was on my own, my Mum couldn’t help me, so I decided that I wasn’t going to let the buggers beat me. And whilst it was uncomfortable at times and I was still beaten up from time to time I began to develop the self confidence to stand up for myself and I had a few friends who made it more bearable and so I got through it and completed my education at school and went on to university where I found a whole new life of friendships and opportunities unlike the bullies ~ losers all.
But being bullied affects your psyche in an insidious way. One that is very hard to overcome. I find it hard to accept or believe compliments and have a very low esteem. My natural self confidence was seriously battered and I don't believe my own abilities and though I have shown myself to be capable over and over again I still seek proof of it. I also am somewhat overly self reliant and as has been remarked elsewhere have hidden behind masks, hiding the me that could be hurt from view.
I still have difficulty making and trusting friends (yes they too betrayed me) and I still have very few friendships with other women as the ring leaders were all girls and regrettably I seem to still have a sign around my neck that says ‘Bully Me’ as it followed me into the workplace. But that is another tale for another time.
Alyss posted on Aug 18, 2006
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Comments
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leon3625 said on Aug 18, 2006....
like you, I also get tease of my looks or what so ever, i started got teasing from friends just like the time u started dyours but i seldom got punch like you, mostly i just get insults. I can get insults from the way I smile to the way I walk. Weirdly enough but it happen, I got used to it. Then my self-esteem is low even until now. Yes, there was a few times where I stand up for myself, I had never talk to the teacher or my mom about these things. I just take my revenge myself, hurting them myself. friends, hmm, who knows what their intentions are, they might stab you in the back. from my point of view, i think 'firendsi are those who stick with u, no matter who low u sink or how high u rise. about your eyesight, have u heard about the bates method? it's like a kind of glasses, I'll tell u more if your intrested, it works, i have one for my own. don't take whatever i said too serious, i'm just 15, although i'm young in age, I experience enough about this society. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 18, 2006....
seems to me, alyss, that how people weather their difficulties tells of their character. and what i've learned about you has been nothing but positive. :>
ed
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secretlife said on Aug 18, 2006....
Alyss- you've survived an awful lot.
It's no wonder you have self esteem issues when you explain your childhood to us. But the way I see it is, if you are smart enough to recognize the things you have to overcome, you've already done the first hard step.
You've got to learn how to love yourself first, before someone else can love you. I truly believe that. You have got to believe that you are worth loving.
Do me a favor. And you don't have to post it-
Get out a sheet of paper and write down 10 things you like about yourself. Do not get up until you have 10.
Now write 10 things you want to improve about yourself Those are the things you will work on.
One at a time; little steps; baby steps.
I agree with silver - how you weather what life gives you tells alot about your character.
ps - my twin sis had that lazy eye thing. Plus she was always the 'chubby' twin...then turned into the 'fat' twin. I know how horrible childhood taunting, teasing, bullying can hurt. And I know how it scars you.
But you can change. Those days are past and you are a grown woman now. You have the power to change right in your own hands and in your own mind.
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silvio said on Aug 19, 2006....
Alyss.
I to have been bullied some outsiders but mainly by my parents. If you read my surviving my father. than you can undrestand why feel for you.,I have removed it now and it will not be told again.
There many people in this world who don't know any better,
strengthen your character and learn to blow these people off
words are just words, if you take it personal, then you are letting them win ignore them and they should go away.
And if that does work you can always try this
this an oldie but a goody, If you can not manage to do then get some to help.
Ready now pay attention,
see what kind of car they drive,
look at the size of the tail pipe
find a potatoe and cram it
as far as you can up the tail pipe.
do not let it fall in the muffler.
Now this what will happen
when the person starts their car
it will hesitate. but then when they keep trying
to start. the pressure will build in the muffler
and split the seams and make a real loud noise.
enough to scare, the beans right out of them.
and also they will have to buy a new muffler
what goes around comes around (instant Karma)
Out of my hand for Dont get made
when getting even can be more fun.
I do not promote violence of any kind.
Silvio
Ps in high school I wrote the advice column in the in our paper for 2 years. give my tag a read
if you liked are there any koolaid kids in your house,let me know I have lots funny kid stories. all you have to do is ask
and I will deliver.
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missfickle said on Aug 19, 2006....
Alyss, in opening up your memories, you have touched my soul, I too was bullied a very long time ago, I wouldn't tell anyone, and used to have fantasies about plotting my revenge! One day whilst with one of my friends, I was again bullied. The bully had ordered me to kiss her feet, I refused, and because I refused I was thumped. My friend ran home and told my mother who told my father. My father ended up beating the bullies older brother, who had tried to assualt me too; my dad ended up being given a sespended prison sentance. I felt so ashamed that I had caused my father this problem. He was angry with me for being too soft, and spent years trying to toughen me up! In some ways I understand why, however he changed the person I was, just like the bullies had tried to do.
I did learn to stick up for myself, and I was never bullied again, however I carried around a lot of anger for a very long time and this affected me in everyway.
Respect to you Alyss for revealing yourself, you helped me today, and I am very greatful.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Amalia said on Aug 19, 2006....
Alyss,
I owe you an apology for some comments I made somewhere else. I guess, sometimes I do treat people with superficiality, and I regret thereafter. I'm just amazed that people are so complex, and I do not always have enough patience or talent to get to know and understand them...
It is not too late to gain your self-confidence, and you seem smart and strong enough to make the changes you want in your life.
I don't know if this offers you any comfort, but my guess is that all of us are sometimes lied to, cheated on, or betrayed, and not because of us, but because lie, cheat, or betrayal are part of our lives...
Truly,
Amalia
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Alyss said on Aug 20, 2006....
Thank you all for your comments.
Leon; do not suffer in silence. Talk to someone you can trust.
SW; it is reassuring to hear that. For a while I was wondering you'd think otherwise.
SL; yours is a good suggestion. I have done similar excercises in the past.
Silvio; I am long past the desire for revenge but the potato up the exhaust pipe made me laugh.
MissFickle; do you read the Mr Men books? I love your username! Your father was doing what anyone would. He was trying to protect you. You should not feel shame for his behaviour nor should you feel shame for needing to be protected. I suspect your father said those things in response to his own shame for behaving the way he did.
Amalia; I haven't come across the things you feel the need to apologise for but if I do I shall try to keep this in mind.
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